Happy Yom Kippur!

3L #1: Kosher hot dogs are really bitchin'!
3L #2: They're Jewlicious!

That boring.

3L: These SBA minutes read like my Civ Pro outline!

girls gone wild

2L: I don't understand. What is the point of covering just the nipple? You're already seeing the whole breast. What difference does it make?
Non-law student: Well, clearly it matters to the FCC.
2L: But why?! Nipples are boring.
3L: My nipples aren't boring. They're *awesome*.

This hand smacks with love!

Immigration prof: You guys are like abused children.

Way to deflect a gunner comment!

Torts Prof: Was that Aristotle you just quoted?
1L: No, it’s the nutshell.

Overheard by DSE

Then what does "surf's up" mean?

Contracts Prof (discussing Undue Influence defense): The translation of "trust me" from Californian to English is "fuck you."

Overheard by hick narcissus

That's not the way to talk about your wife!

Torts prof: You oughta see my hoe. It's rusty old and tired.

Overheard by Nova

Generally it wasn't even when I started

During a Mock Deposition:

3L: Was it ever wet in there when you were finished?

Like Really, Really Bad Morning Breath

2L Guy: If I'm that relaxed when I have balls in my mouth that I'm falling asleep, I have bigger problems than the fact that I have balls in my mouth.

abort, retry, fail?

Life's Lessons

(While discussing Illinois v. McArthur)

Crim Pro Prof: Another Life Lesson: Don't piss off trailer trash.

Why buy the cow?

3L: People who are living together and having sex aren't presenting themselves as being married, they are presenting themselves as living together and having sex.

Overheard by JW

...and I'm spent.

Tax prof: You're sitting here in class paying over a $1 a minute. Have you ever paid more than a $1 a minute for anything else? Some of you might have done that for the services of doctors or lawyers. (pause) And some of you might have for paid that for some other sort of "professional."

Overheard by the LawBitches

Dry cleaning gets the blood right out

Criminal Procedure professor: I don’t know if I want to put the mic on this tie. A man who killed his brother gave me this tie. It’s a nice tie. It’s one of the benefits of being a lawyer.

Overheard by Jedidiah

Cornholio needs lots of TP if it's broken

Torts prof: You have no idea what kind of damage a broken bunghole can cause.

Overheard by Nova

It's not indoctrination, It's education

Civ Pro Prof: Now remember class--Who do we sue?
1Ls [in unison]: EVERYBODY!
Civ Pro Prof: When do we bill?
1Ls: EARLY AND OFTEN!

Overheard By Cristey

yes, your shit does smell like roses

3L: How pure and innocent are we talking here?
Non-law student: She farts Disney.

totally kills the buzz

2L: I hate smoking before war crimes.

finally, an analogy everybody understands

Con Law Professor (re: United States v. Nixon): It's like an S&M relationship where one party lets the other party dominate him, and they play until he says the code word. Only in this case, the special prosecutor didn't stop after Nixon said the code word, and that's why we have this case.
Overheard by NW

Having to pay in cents

Torts prof: It's sort of a kiss your sister kind of situation. It sounds real good, but you always end up having to pay.

Overheard by Nova

I can't wait to abuse that power!

Estate and Gift Tax prof: He did have the power to divorce his wife. That's a power that gets a lot of people through the day.

Overheard by NRN

Is that a resume in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2L Guy: I'm frustrated with OCI. I interviewed with a lot of firms, but haven't been getting any callbacks. It's like having a lot of girlfriends, but not getting any ass. The most frustrating ones are the ones that don't reject you or call back. It's blueballs to the umpteenth degree.

Overheard by Kai

That's Code for "You're a Jackass."

Guest Speaker: (to Gunner) You're just great at breaking up rhythm aren't you?
Gunner: (Proceeds to make pointless statement, which is of course, wrong).

We Can Safely Assume She's Not Talking About Elmo

2L: No...don't lick it...just tickle it.

The secret to dealing with 1Ls

(I'm a TA for a Torts I prof. I asked him about some minor issue that a 1L was having the first week of classes)

Prof: "You need to realize that you are dealing with beginners. To them EVERYTHING is a crisis."

a little practical advice.

Prof. on his days defending criminals...

Prof :"They [prosecution] always called an insanity defense, 'a slow plead of guilty'."

Weekend plans...

1L : "I've decided. No matter what is happening on Friday i'm drinking ... ALOT."

what is it with you rapists?!

3L: So I'm taking the dog outside last night, and I realize there's a guy in the bushes. And I think: "Fuck, I really don't want to be sexually assaulted right now. I so do not have time for that and all that emotional fallout shit."

That's exactly why

1L: I don't like small group work.
1L2: Yeah, well, you're a whore.

Overheard by LCS

Until she leaves, and then a thank you text

Prof: What if a girl consents to have sex with a man only if he tells her he loves her?

1L: How long exactly would he have to love her?

Overheard by JK

Consortium is legalese for sex

2L: I suppose he could recover for loss of consortium if he was unable to go hiking with his wife as a result of his injuries.

Tax Prof.: That's not what loss of consortium means.

Overheard by NG

Like a true champion

2L Guy: Hey, aren't you proud of me?
2L Girl: For what?
2L Guy: I read for once today.
2L Guy #2: It was 4 pages!
2L Guy: Whatever. Don't take away from my achievement. I think I'm going to ditch class to celebrate.

Overheard by Kai

That's not true, think of Wickard.

Con Law Prof: You're unlikely to lean anything in this class that will help you pass the bar.

Overheard by Sparky

Damn right

Law Prof: Is the reasonable person ever drunk?

1L: Uhh... I think he should be.

Overheard by PG

Al Sharpton Did Not Endorse This Message

Prop Prof: The liberals aren’t usually the ones saying, “Efficiency! Efficiency!”... they’re saying other things...they’re saying, “Civil rights” and other stuff...other crap.

The candyman can

Crim Pro Prof: What's the best way to get things into a jail?....
Get arrested for driving without a licence, cover yourself in heroine gelcaps, open your coat and... "Hey guys. The candy store's open!"

Professors Want Excitement

Professor to 2L: How are you? Anything new or exciting?
2L: Well, if by 'exciting' you count losing electricity last night and reading Tax by flashlight...

Overheard by Emily

A venue transfer to the weight room

Civ Pro Prof: What does 1441 say?
1L: I don't know. My bookbag was too heavy to bring that book today.
Civ Pro Prof: Anybody stronger know the answer? Perhaps someone under 100 lbs who can shame him?

Overheard by Natalie

Quid Pro Quo???

Waiting for court hearing:
Client: So, do you come here often?

Oh God! That's what people say when they are hitting on someone!
Attorney: Just don't ask me my sign and we're okay.

So, what's new?

2L on phone: I'm taking Federal Income Tax and that's the most exciting thing in my life right now.

So that's why they teach classes on Con Law!

1L #1: And that's why the Patriot Act is unconstitutional.
1L #2: But Congress doesn't pass acts that aren't constitutional.

Overheard by JM.

Overheard Not in Law School

The scene: first and second year public health graduate students discussing the recent opening of a local Trader Joe's and their excitement over Two-Buck Chuck.

1st year: I can only drink two glasses of Two Buck Chuck. After that I start to feel sick.
2nd year: Why don't you just have two glasses and enjoy it then?
1st: Clearly you don't know me very well. I drink to get drunk.
2nd: What's wrong with having two glasses of wine?
1st: If I'm just going to have one beer, I rather skip it and not feel sick when the buzz wears off. I'd rather have five.
2nd: Oh, you binge drink.

constitutional protections

3L: I have to run. We're supposed to be watching a video in class.

2L: Oh? What about?

3L: The right to die.

2L: How appropriate for law school.

Silent Bob Speaks for the First Time

Usually very quiet 2L during discussion about whether to dress down or wear suits for simulations.

2L: Why don't we say we don't wear suits and if people want to be tools and wear suits they can be TOOLS!

It's all about Class

A hurried 1L with a ginormous backpack walks in and bumps one of the 3Ls standing in an elevator:

1L: Sorry about that...it's just so big and bulky
3L: Well better that then your ass.

What to do when STUPID gets to you...

3L: people are dumb and i want a blunt.

Yes.

Nonprofits prof: Stoned professors are better than straight professors.

Crim Pro definitions

Crim Pro Prof: If you can figure out what curtilage is, that's where you plant your pot.

Overheard by EW

Vicarious bicuriousity

1L #1: I'm so excited for the weekend! I already did the reading for Tuesday and I am all done with my memo.
1L #2: Oh my god, I hate you! I guess I have to live bi-curiously through you while you're having nothing but fun!

Overheard by AC

More reasons to go to Nevada

Con Law Prof: Nevada is a very libertarian state. If you want to build a nuclear power plant, near a bordello, with blackjack in the back, it will fly.

Overheard by Without Reason

good solution, BETTER solution

2L girl #1: I'm gonna go jogging at 6pm to relieve some tension. You want to come?
2L girl #2: No thanks. I'm gonna go have the shit fucked out of me at 7pm to relieve some tension.

Overheard by sign me up

Kids will be kids

Torts Prof: "In the past we saw cases where children were battering each other in typical child-like ways. You know, paperclips...shotguns..."

Overheard by Curable Triteness

Job Choices

2L #1: How did it go?
2L #2: [Just returning from an interview] It went fine...it's a stupid little job. Just filing. I wouldn't have to dress up or anything, but it's only $8.50 an hour.
2L #1: You could go to Wal-Mart and make $11

Fashion faux pas

3L male: How come in The Devil wears Prada, what's-her-face wears Gucci all the time?
3L female: How come you noticed?
3L male: That's not a question! That's an insult masquerading as a question!

He meant that ridiculously ugly sweater and tote bag set

Prof: “What was the offensive contact on the dog?”
1L: “You mean besides the bullet?”

Overheard by SA

Curiosity kills many kittens

legal writing prof: "I apologize for answering the question by saying, 'You'll know what to do when the time comes'... I suppose if that's all it took to satisfy human curiosity, then the porn industry probably wouldn't be so profitable."

Overheard by GL

It's also a lie

1L: Good Point
Torts Prof: Only kind I make.

Overheard by DSE

From Liberal To Conservative In The Blink Of An Eye

1L: It’s such bullshit. If you go to the White House website they have all these coloring-book photos of the Presidents. Most of them are portraits or drawings of them in the Oval Office. George W. Bush’s is him in a playground with a bunch of kids . . . Bill Clinton has his zipper down.

2L OCI Interviews #2

2L #1: Where are you interviewing?
2L #2: Lord, Bissel and Brock
2L #1: That's the firm that does half-litigation and half-vacuum manufacturing, right?

Is that Lavender?

A 2L hands his resume to his friend:

2L Guy #1: This is really nice paper
2L Guy #2: I went all out on the resume paper
2L Guy #1: You should spritz it up with cologne
2L Guy #2: My interviewer is a guy

I guess you didn't see High Fidelity

1L #1: I hate John Cusack
1L #2: How can you hate John Cusack?
1L #1: He’s a horrible human being. If it was between Death Row Inmates and John Cusack, I pick the inmates every time.

self-referential irony

The scene: sexually harassing 3L guy is attempting to chat up two attractive 1L women during the first week of class.

3L guy: You have to watch out in law school. There are lots of shady people.

Safety First

Professor: Another safety tip along with don’t have unprotected sex with prostitutes is don’t drive a motorcycle…But if you have into an accident on one, get in an accident with a car, not a tree, so you can get No-Fault benefits.

Just My Luck

Professor: The judge wouldn't even let me speak on summary disposition. So, enraged, since I didn't like this judge to begin with, I appealed and I was going to ask the Court of Appeals that judge be disqualified. I didn't have to ask that since the judge had been promoted to the Court of Appeals.

hey baby, what's your sign?

3L describing the arbitrariness of First Amendment law: "That sign is good, that one is fine, OH GOD THAT ONE IS 3" TOO BIG!"

War and Feets

2L #1: Something in this room smells like feet. I can't figure out if it's me. This is both frustrating and paranoia-inducing.
2L #2: Eww. I hate feet. Pigeons and feet are my least favorite things in the world. Oh, and war. War is bad too.

Overheard by EN

Summer Dream Sequence

Scene: A birthday party for a co-worker/friend where rising 2L was working. She happens to sit next to a law professor.

Law Professor to rising 2L: So, what do you do?
Rising 2L: (after taking a sip of wine) Oh, I'm a law student.
Law Professor: You don't look oppressed enough to be a law student.

If You Wanted To Be Her Lover...

2L#1: We went out once. We went to the Spice Girls concert.
2L#2: Really!?! Did you tell her what you want...what you really, really want?

No Means No

At Student Organization Fair
3L #1: 3L #2, want a cookie?
3L #2: You know I can't say no!
2L: That's why she's president of Law Students 4 Choice!

3L and non-lawstudent discuss a mutual friend who wants to go to lawschool:

3L: I told him how awful lawschool is- I really hope [mutual friend] takes my advice and doesn't apply.
Non-lawstudent: Nah, he won't listen, [mutual friend] is an asshole. He deserves to go to lawschool.

It's not about fairness, It's about winning

3L: As I am arguing, what if I reference a case that wasn't in my pleadings...how is my opponent supposed to know what I am talking about?
Prof: Who cares!

Judge Mentality

Appellate Advocacy Prof: "I'm a judge. I have an Article III ego. I can be stupid, you can't"

A working definition

1L: Did you see Snakes on a Plane?
3L: Not yet.
1L: I saw it with the the 'law school couple.' You know, the unattractive pair that starts dating the first night of orientation.

she didn't mean it when she said 4 pages was cute

Appellate advocacy professor, on lengths of briefs: "This isn't a big dick contest. The longest doesn't win."

Overheard by Sal.

You just want to hang out with detective Benson

2L: How would I go about becoming a Special Victims prosecutor?
Summer boss: You have a better chance of becoming a special victim.

Overheard by CS

maybe it's time to move to Nevada...

2L: I'd like to shop for carpet, but it's illegal in most states.

I can't put my finger on that definition

2L boy: I guess I just have a conceptual problem calling Miranda a prophylactic rule, you know? I mean it seems to me Miranda really embodies the Fifth Amendment itself, rather than only protects one’s Fifth Amendment rights that are separate and distinct.

2L girl: Yeah, I know…I mean, why would the judges want to name it after something that they put up their butts? Did they not like it very much?

2L boy: what?

2L girl: You know, I mean that’s what a prophylactic is, right? Those things that people put up their butt?

2L boy: god I wish I was your boyfriend.


Overheard by Jaded J.D.

Pier 1 isn't working out

Copyright Prof: "If you do work for a large size entity like Viacom work is constantly coming in, if you work for a mid-size entity, you know like Kirsty Alley, you can have more breaks between projects."

Overheard by RR

unintended consequences

1L #1: We should compare briefs later...um, you know what I mean.
1L #2: Why do all my casual hookups turn into study groups?

Overheard by RB

Cream cheese is the great equalizer

3L: I'm just interviewing with [employer] because I need interview experience. I know that I'm better than that, and that I shouldn't be working for that kind of place.
3L#2, different school: .... YOU HAVE FOOD ON YOUR FACE.

I've never passed a Bar...

In the bookstore before the first week of classes.

1L: Well, I just really LOVE the law!
2L: Yeah, I used to, now i'm an alcoholic.

dead baby jokes?

Evidence Professor: Time for a new hypothetical, let's say i kill little mort. Little Mort is the creature who lives next door to me. He's three years old. I use him in my hypotheticals because he deserves to die.

Copyright Bounty

Copyright Prof: Acording to the RIAA we are all Pirates.
2L: ARGH!!!
Copyright Prof: Yes, ARGH! Unfortunately, we're not as sexy as Johnny Depp.

seat's taken

As 2L#1 walks into class looking for a seat...

2L#2: "2L#1, you can't sit here. you can't sit next to me. and actually, could you not sit in front of me either."

Hooray war crimes

Prominent International Law Professor: "I love war crimes tribunals. I collect tribunals like kids collect baseball cards."

So, Will Anything Be On The Final?

Legal Professions Prof: Anybody else want to pick a number from the board?

2L: 0

Legal Professions Prof: 0 is what I learned in Legal Ethics in law school . . . and I went here.

Oui...

Prof: Who in here feels like I'm speaking a foreign language?
Student from France raises hand.

Shotgun play?

Sports law professors talking about Maurice Clarett and how high school basketball players can go straight to the NBA but not NFL

Prof 1: maybe he should have practiced his shooting instead of his running.
Prof 2: i think he was in his last arrest...

At Least HE'S Telling The Truth!

Professor: A lot of law professors will tell you that there is no such thing as a bad question. (pause) Yeah, they're all full of shit.

If Elizabeth Cady Stanton played Bingo...

2Ls looking at classroom assignments
2L #1: where's our class?
2L #2: A64...i feel like i'm calling out bingo
2L #1: Binga...it's like if feminists played Bingo.

Common Sensical

Professor: We now have wireless in the classroom. You aren't allowed to use it to IM, check e-mail or search the internet. So you have access to it, but don't use it.

that's actually what brain tastes like

2L: I just burped out my nose and it tasted like potatoes.

The finer points of law school

2L: my tax prof could have amazing zoomers they may even be so bodacious that she could declare them dependants on her tax return.

somebody needs to do their shirt laundry

Legal Ethics Prof: Here's some good advice: don't walk into the bar exam smelling like marijuana. You should write that down.

Overheard by MM

You mean we're not?

re: learning to address juries

Trial Advocacy Book: Forget your legal training for a minute and try to figure out how you would act if you were a real person.

Over(read) by SunCynic

Bar Talk

Talking about a classmate at the bar:

3L #1: Does he manscape?
3L #2: No, I think he's naturally hairless
3L #3: I thought I saw some razor burn one day on his chest
The 3L Who Knows All: Yes, he manscapes. And his girlfriend shaves his back.

Class Preparation

3L #1: Is that your 3rd or 4th Beer?
3L #2: 4th!
3L #3: And don't you have your first class in an hour?
3L #2: Absolutely.

The Light's On, but the Owner is Asleep

In a Thesis Seminar on Advanced Criminal Procedure
Prof: What topic are you thinking about for your Paper?
3L: Emminent Domain
Prof: That's not really on point, but I like that you're thinking.

Kind of like ketchup?

Bankruptcy Prof: “I drink tequila because I’ve convinced myself its vegetable juice.”

Overheard by Anonymous

Don't let them smell your fear!

(Prof asks first question to a 1L)

1L: I don't know. I'm scared.


Overheard by KP