Sure, blame it on the old guys...

Professor: Well, but that really depends on what the optimal amount of sexual harassment is. It's definitely above zero.

(Class laughs nervously.)

Professor: Damn! I mean that's what the court thinks! [Then very seriously] THE COURT. NOT ME.

Assault with a pregnant mouse?

To 1L Torts class about practice exams:

Torts Prof: I presume that none of you did this under realistic under fire conditions, with someone chewing gum, someone making this [sniffling/snorting] noise, someone coughing, and you want to beat them with a pregnant mouse.

-Overheard by MS

They must work in the little shed in the back...

Student asking question of professional athletic team's in-house counsel.

Law Student: So, how much does the outhouse counsel do?

Only if you commit a crime?

Crim prof: If you act according to what God tells you, you're insane.

Overheard by EM

The younger, the better

Federal Income Tax Prof.: The tax code is like a page, Congress can't keep it's hand off of it.

Overheard by Ex.Coll.

ouch

Re: a particularly brutal rape case

Crim Law Prof: You can see that this isn't the candles and the chardonnay.

overheard by 1LG (1lg.blogspot.com)

There's plenty of time to be an asshole

While discussing Bak-a-lum v. Alcoa:

Contracts Prof: Yeah, you can terminate at will, but c'mon; you can't be an asshole about it!

Overheard by Nova

In Good Company

Prof: Alabama has been known for its racism.
1L: You know Alabama isn't the only racist state, Mississippi is also very racist.

Overheard by anonymous

You know you're a law student when...

2L: "Oh my god! So Denise Richards was in a casino for a party and got pissed off at a paparazzi. She grabbed their laptop and threw it off a balcony and, I shit you not, she hit an 80 year old woman in a wheelchair. Could you imagine what a great torts case this would be?"

Overheard by El Creel

Close enough

3L: Yeah, I think I found that information on that crazy conservative organization's webpage, Americans for the Family Way?

She meant Focus on the Family.

Can we pick the people?

RE: computer hackers performing tests on other networks, which the court found to not cause any actual damage

"It's sort of like the velociraptors testing the weaknesses of the security fence. (pause) I had a Jurassic Park craving this weekend that was not satisfied, so if you come up to my office later on, you may find me watching the DVD. Do people get that or is it just me? Do you sometimes just want to see dinosaurs eating people?"

Overheard by TI

Definitely a four letter word...

Professor (after a student used fairness as a factor in a balancing test): Did you just use the f-word? You DO NOT use that language in polite company.

a sticky situation

1L Male: Law school is a lot like having sex without a condom. You're happy you got it, but pretty bummed you came.

Sad But True

IP Prof: Can anyone tell me what fantasy baseball is?
Student: The Cubs winning the World Series.

so thats where that is...

Evidence Professor: Do you know where this case is from?

3L: Uh...the 5th circuit?

Evidence Professor: It's from Tex-Ark county . Do you know where that is? It's scary place, probably the only place where the Bushes and Clintons can inter-marry. On a side note, there are two things I hate. Incompetence and people from Tex-Ark county.

Which Is Why I Teach Corporations

3L: Can you speak to the constitutionality of including spouses and children?
Corporations Prof: I can’t speak about the constitutionality of anything!

Your Tax Dollars At Work

Prof: Do I have an answer to your question? No. But I can talk for a long time, because I’m a professional. I’m paid to talk when I have nothing to say.

Something smells fishy!

Class is coming back from a break and many have gotten sushi that was being served by a student group.

Sports Law Prof: Does anyone not have their mouth full of raw fish and can tell me about this case?

On discussing Rhode Island v. Innis and manipulating suspects by appealing to their better nature.

Student: But he just blew a cabbie's head off!
Prof: Oh, he's not all bad.

Let us know how you really feel.

Religion & Law Prof: (while discussing City of Boerne) This is the worst constitutional ruling in recent years. It’s just so poorly reasoned and dishonest. As if I didn’t have enough reasons to dislike Justice Scalia.

love me tender

1L #1- What is "legal tender"?
1L #2- It's when you develop a special kind of relationship with your lawyer...
1L #3- It's when you start spooning.
1L #4- What about illegal tender?
1L #2- That's when you start spooning with the other guy's lawyer...
1L #1- It's like "ex parte" tender...

Overheard by hick narcissus

He's a Republican?

Re: Doing trust work for a murderer (This professor also defended German banks in Holocaust litigation.)

Civ Pro Prof: "It's one of the reasons why my resume reads like an application to hell."

Overheard by Bruski

Typical virgin mistake

3L: All sex is prostitution.
Prof: Well, that's an interesting way to end class.

Overheard by JW

if I were in high school, i'd be crying

Overheard at a job interview:

Senior partner: this firm is a cross between a gym class, a sweatshop, and a locker room.

Overheard by Ex.Coll.

At least it wasn't Gilbert Godfrey opening the box...

Re: 404(a)

Prof: Does anyone know what Pandora's Box is? Who's Pandora anyway? I imagine Angelina Jolie opening the box, and all this shit coming out! And we're talking about really bad shit here!

Overheard by EN

That's gotta hurt

In Civil Procedure (taught by the dean of the law school):

Dean: Do you see any good lawyers in this room?

1L: (looking around at classmates) No.

Dean: Well, thanks the hell a lot!

Overheard by AB

They charge extra for waterboarding

2L #1 was complaining about the 30 hours she had spent working on the authority checks for a law review article.
2L #2: "Well at least you're paid well for that."
2L #1 (looking blankly at the other 2L): "You mean I'm paying for that measly credit."
2L #2: "You have to pay to do that shit? That's like getting a bill for your stay at Gitmo."

Overheard by The LawBitches

Biological clocks do tick

Crim law prof: "You can't ever wait too long to get married. Well, unless you're a woman."

Overheard by Nova

Zoning restrictions

Property Prof: "Ok, are you ready? I'm going to throw a hooker at you!"

Overheard by Mel

On Rehnquist

Re: Locke v. Davey

Con Law Prof: This is such a poorly written opinion ... He was just getting sloppy in the end.

Honesty: Not ALWAYS The Best Policy

Guest Speaker: You know, your careers are going to be what you make of them, so make them count.

Smart-ass 3L: *in a singsong voice* I smell disbarrment....

More MPRE Fun...

MPRE Instructor discussing avoiding appointment: Pretty much any reason works. Like, 'You're poor? That's disgusting!'

****

MPRE Instructor discussing restrictions on advertising: You can't tell people your father is on the Illinois Supreme Court. People will ask, 'So are you retarded too?'

paging Dr. Freud

MPRE Review Instructor: Regarding sleeping with your clients, if you start sleeping with them *after* the attorney-client relationship is formed, that's a no-no and you have to pull out. I mean withdraw. Crap. Okay, you can't be their lawyer anymore.

I Hope They're Not Discussing Halloween Costumes

2L#1: But the ATCA is jurisdictional. It doesn't create a federal cause of action.
2L#2: Well it does create a federal cause of action in some limited situations...like piracy.
2L#1: But piracy would already be under federal jurisdiction, since it's maritime law.
2L#2: Not necessarily. What about music pirates? Or internet pirates? Or butt pirates?

...

2L#2: Why do they call them butt pirates?
2L#1: Because when you put your penis in their butt, they go, "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

The Distinction is Ever So Fine

A Professor on Depositions: "I can't suborn perjury, but I can engage in truth engineering"

making law school sexy...

Prof is writing initials of people on white board after a simulated negotiated.

Prof: okay, Scott and Markus (writes S/M) ... maybe i'll write out the names...

stereotypes shmereotypes

Prof: you're going to get a very different type of voter at a NASCAR race than you would at, I don't know, a bio-diesel rally.

The Better Question Is "Why's That Smell?"

2L#1: What's that smell?
2L#2: We're in New Jersey.
2L#1: Oh.

The life of poor law students...

Prof (passing out powerpoint packets): Does anyone else need handouts?
3L: Like money or food?

How are you defining 'we'?

Secured Transactions Professor, discussing LBOs: Well, they must have done this for a reason. We don't think all MBAs are stupid.

Only If You Sing Like Yoko

On the way to The Dakota, where John Lennon was shot.

3L: Do you think it would be in bad taste to reenact the murder?

dumb as rocks, I tell you!

Prof's old friend: What do you teach?
Prof: Oh, well, idiots mostly.

Quit

Overheard at a job interview:

Potential employer: What would you do if your client banged a 5 year old and there is DNA evidence in his anus?

Very inclusive definition

Metro sign in DC: Give up your seats for somebody with a disability

3L#1: What counts as a disability?
3L#2: The test for a disability is "would the reasonable person feel bad for you?"

Federal Rules of Ego

Trial Ad Prof: You people need to know the rules of evidence! It's like you are playing a game of chess without knowing how the pieces move!
3L: My evidence prof was useless. I don't know the rules well enough.
Trial Ad Prof: Get a Gilberts. Read Mauet. Read the rules. That's what I did. My professor didn't teach us evidence and as a trial lawyer you really need to know them.
3L #2: [Lamenting] My evidence class didn't help me at all...
Trial Ad Prof: I had Laurence Tribe. Big Name. Big Ego. Couldn't Teach Evidence. In class, it would be like, "Thanks Larry, we'd love to hear more about your time in front of the Supreme Court."

She smells funny, afterall

Crim prof: "If we don't join the cases, he'll have to do probation with 3L. And nobody wants to probation with 3L."

Come on, the job search isn't that bad...

Legal Writing Professor: “I don’t want to die choking on Donald Rumsfeld!”
Overheard by AE

clearly the aneurysm

Civ Pro prof: "Did I just have a mild aneurysm or did you change your answer halfway through that?"

Overheard by this1Lgirl

You can't be in our study group.

1L in Civ Pro: "Can you review what a forum is?"

Overheard by this1Lgirl

can you spot the res gestae?

While discussing res gestae (Excited Utterances or Spontaneous Exclaimations):

Professor asks a question loudly, angrily, and suddenly to tiny 2L girl who was obviously trying to disappear in her seat.

2L: Fuck, I don't know! He was stressed? He was scared?

Prof: Oh, did I scare you?

2L: Kinda, a little, yeah.

Prof: Awwwwww, I'm sorry. Here. VIRTUAL HUG. Don't be scared. Give me an answer.

Overheard by RS

Everybody likes excessive cologne

Constitutional Law Professor: So, how can we make U.S. v. Lopez a sexy case about individual rights?

2L: Spray the book with cologne and tell us we don't have to read it?

Overheard by RS

more potty humor

Contracts Prof: "Assent is the bathroom of contracts. The sooner we wash our hands of it and leave, the better off we are."
Overheard by hick narcissus

You never have to grow up

Contracts Prof: So, in Holman Erection v. Orville, defendant was a general contractor who...[Prof. starts snickering]
Contracts Prof: [muttering to himself] Damnit! I promised myself I wouldn't laugh.

Overheard by basic thesis

Shearing Is Caring

3L: I think I could shave a stranger's balls...but not yours.

Prosecutorial discretion

Some advice from your friendly bloggers at Overheard: do not walk around your office naked, especially if you're a prosecutor in a government building.

Depends on who you talk to

3L: Crack in your sock is better than a sock in your crack, am I right?

Are you Jewish or something?

3L: We have an ethnical duty!

analogy time, kids!

Crim Pro Prof (discussing Terry stops): Either you're seized or you're not. It's like being pregnant. You either are or you're not. You can't be a little bit seized.

Desperate. Like the Housewives.

Professor: What do you think about the woman in this case, 3L #1? Personally, what do you think of a woman who contracted away half her fortune to keep a marriage together?

3L #1: (pauses) Well, it's not really for me to judge. People do crazy things in the name of love, and I don't think it's my place to judge them for it.

3L #2: I'll judge her. She was desperate.

Tell Them What They Wanna Hear

Elder Law Professor: What do you do when faced with an elderly person who lacks capacity, yet decides they want to get married?

Student: Can't you just tell the elderly person that they're already married?

she said penis!

Health Law Prof: Well, in this case, you'd use the Woodcock-Johnson test to evaluate...
Students snicker
Prof: You know, I'm not that old. I do get the joke.
3L guy #1: Wait, is that one person or two people?
Prof: Two people.
3L guy #2: Can you just imagine if it was one person? Peter Woodcock Johnson?
Students giggle some more
3L guy #3: Wait, what's so funny?
3L girl: The fact that Guy #3 is 10 seconds behind everyone else.

Torts: An Introduction to Ambulance Chasing

Torts Prof: Law isn't about the way things really are. It's about money.

Overheard by Natalie

What if you fall asleep?

Crim prof: Reading statutes is like having sex; you can't stop in the middle.
Overheard by JV

Because slapping white ass is fun!

African American Civ Pro prof talking about a discrimination case from 1974 where they joined women and African Americans in the same class action suit

Civ Pro Prof: So you're telling me that if this were 1974, you would group me and my family, after all we have suffered through, with a bunch of white women gettin' their asses slapped in the workplace?
1L: No, not at all.
Civ Pro Prof: That's right... Because if this were 1974 and you said yes, I would have shot you son...shiiiit.

Overheard by AC

Mulder agrees

2L: You mean aliens have rights under the constitution?

Overheard by Progressio Veritas

hungrily?

Civ Pro professor, while trying to explain an issue of Subject Matter Jurisdiction: You all are looking at me like MULES at a NEW FENCE!!

Overheard by AH

Copyright laws don't bother me

During a discussion for movies that could be shown instead of The Corporation:
Business Associations Prof: The only problem with showing this movie is that everyone would have to come to the classroom and watch it because it is not readily available for rental on Netflix or Blockbuster.
2L: You could make copies of it.
BA Prof: Not without violating several different copyright laws. I had to pay licensing fees to even show The Corporation in such a large public forum. I'm not even allowed to put it on reserve in the library.
2L: I could make copies of it.

Overheard by The LawBitches

That was an insult, eh?

Immigration prof: Say your client is Canadian, so he speaks English almost like you do!

the law school casting couch

1L girl: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

1L guy: Sure. We were just talking about sex with professors in exchange for grades.

The word you're looking for is "Smart"

Crim law professor: If the ignorance of the law defense were allowed, what kind of criminals would use it?
1L: Guilty ones?

Overheard by SA

I hate lawyers and butt boys too?

During a discussing about a trial in which an expert witness was on stand

Torts prof: And then the lawyer said, 'Isn’t it true, Doctor X, that you are nothing but opposing counsel’s BUTT BOY?'

Torts prof: I hate both those guys. I wish they’d both just die.

Overheard by Nova

What are you going to do about it?

E-mail from tax prof that has a no e-mail no internet policy during class time, sent at 9:45 am (the middle of tax class) to the students:

If you are reading this email before 10:15 am on Friday, September 29th, then you shouldn't be.


Overread by Bored in the Back Row

Lawyers shouldn't procreate with other lawyers

1L Male: So what do we include when we submit our declaration to study law?
1L female: The declaration... your birth control... and the check.

Overheard by OneHell

Is that causa, or consideration?

"What better way to secure a contract than over a steaming penis fondue."

(from the BBC)

I gotta get her number

2L guy to 3L girl: So you and that 1L were really going at it in the middle of the bar.

3L: I can't help it, I take my pants off automatically

Law School Commercials

Attorney:
Lawschool education: $50,000
Bar exam prep and test: $4,000
Four attempted assaults in your first year of practice: Priceless

Happy Yom Kippur!

3L #1: Kosher hot dogs are really bitchin'!
3L #2: They're Jewlicious!

That boring.

3L: These SBA minutes read like my Civ Pro outline!

girls gone wild

2L: I don't understand. What is the point of covering just the nipple? You're already seeing the whole breast. What difference does it make?
Non-law student: Well, clearly it matters to the FCC.
2L: But why?! Nipples are boring.
3L: My nipples aren't boring. They're *awesome*.

This hand smacks with love!

Immigration prof: You guys are like abused children.

Way to deflect a gunner comment!

Torts Prof: Was that Aristotle you just quoted?
1L: No, it’s the nutshell.

Overheard by DSE

Then what does "surf's up" mean?

Contracts Prof (discussing Undue Influence defense): The translation of "trust me" from Californian to English is "fuck you."

Overheard by hick narcissus

That's not the way to talk about your wife!

Torts prof: You oughta see my hoe. It's rusty old and tired.

Overheard by Nova

Generally it wasn't even when I started

During a Mock Deposition:

3L: Was it ever wet in there when you were finished?

Like Really, Really Bad Morning Breath

2L Guy: If I'm that relaxed when I have balls in my mouth that I'm falling asleep, I have bigger problems than the fact that I have balls in my mouth.

abort, retry, fail?

Life's Lessons

(While discussing Illinois v. McArthur)

Crim Pro Prof: Another Life Lesson: Don't piss off trailer trash.

Why buy the cow?

3L: People who are living together and having sex aren't presenting themselves as being married, they are presenting themselves as living together and having sex.

Overheard by JW

...and I'm spent.

Tax prof: You're sitting here in class paying over a $1 a minute. Have you ever paid more than a $1 a minute for anything else? Some of you might have done that for the services of doctors or lawyers. (pause) And some of you might have for paid that for some other sort of "professional."

Overheard by the LawBitches

Dry cleaning gets the blood right out

Criminal Procedure professor: I don’t know if I want to put the mic on this tie. A man who killed his brother gave me this tie. It’s a nice tie. It’s one of the benefits of being a lawyer.

Overheard by Jedidiah

Cornholio needs lots of TP if it's broken

Torts prof: You have no idea what kind of damage a broken bunghole can cause.

Overheard by Nova

It's not indoctrination, It's education

Civ Pro Prof: Now remember class--Who do we sue?
1Ls [in unison]: EVERYBODY!
Civ Pro Prof: When do we bill?
1Ls: EARLY AND OFTEN!

Overheard By Cristey

yes, your shit does smell like roses

3L: How pure and innocent are we talking here?
Non-law student: She farts Disney.

totally kills the buzz

2L: I hate smoking before war crimes.

finally, an analogy everybody understands

Con Law Professor (re: United States v. Nixon): It's like an S&M relationship where one party lets the other party dominate him, and they play until he says the code word. Only in this case, the special prosecutor didn't stop after Nixon said the code word, and that's why we have this case.
Overheard by NW

Having to pay in cents

Torts prof: It's sort of a kiss your sister kind of situation. It sounds real good, but you always end up having to pay.

Overheard by Nova

I can't wait to abuse that power!

Estate and Gift Tax prof: He did have the power to divorce his wife. That's a power that gets a lot of people through the day.

Overheard by NRN

Is that a resume in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2L Guy: I'm frustrated with OCI. I interviewed with a lot of firms, but haven't been getting any callbacks. It's like having a lot of girlfriends, but not getting any ass. The most frustrating ones are the ones that don't reject you or call back. It's blueballs to the umpteenth degree.

Overheard by Kai

That's Code for "You're a Jackass."

Guest Speaker: (to Gunner) You're just great at breaking up rhythm aren't you?
Gunner: (Proceeds to make pointless statement, which is of course, wrong).

We Can Safely Assume She's Not Talking About Elmo

2L: No...don't lick it...just tickle it.