the best things in life are free

3L to very drunk woman at a bar: Are you all right?
Woman: Yes, yes. Are we bothering you? Do you want money?
3L: No, no. Just making sure everything's okay.
Woman: I can give you money! I have my corporate credit card.

this guy walks into a bar...

The scene: a group of 2L and 3Ls are drinking together at the new swanky bowling alley downtown and watching corporate holiday parties.

Very drunk male manager to very drunk female co-worker: Mewwy Cwistmas! *smooch*
VDFC-W: *smooch* You're drunk.

3L onlooker: My inner labor law attorney is screaming right now. Stop, stop! Sexual harassment!
2L: Eh, it looks consensual.
3L: But it doesn't matter! There are other employees there! That's a hostile work environment!
2L: 3L, we're taking away your drink.

Especially when the game's on

Tax Prof: The IRC (internal revenue code) is just like your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it just doesn't deliver.
overheard by a law bitch

Worst test ever

One foreign first year student to another after the 1L Property exam: “It was so bad. I wish I was back in China.”

overheard by kw

cause: alcohol

on causation:

Torts Prof: You know when you were a teenager having a fight with your parents and you would go "I never asked for me to be born" - what a stupid comment, of COURSE you didn't. The correct answer to that is "Neither did we, you were a drunken mistake."

overheard by susie law school

Probably more useful that way

while taking a practice exam, 1L#1 consults with 1L#2 on AIM:

1L#1: Are you working on #17?
1L#2: No I used my test to pick up a roach 30 minutes ago.

overheard by SA

the slippery slope

2L: I just want to get laid. I even thought about [shady fellow law student at the party the other night].
3L: But you have standards.
2L: No, I don't have standards. I just didn't feel well.

Mmm, buttery tasting

3L male, drunk: I need sex but popcorn will suffice.

With an attitude like that, they already won

3L#1: What final do you have left?
3L#2: Counterterrorism.
3L#1: Ew. That sounds awful.
3L#2: What, are you a terrorist?

A cross between Scrooge and Learned Hand

while sitting and studying in an empty classroom and hearing a noise...

3L#1: This place is haunted.
3L#2: Yeah, by the ghost of our hopes and dreams.

First and last time I think we'll hear that...

Cashier: What are you studying at x-university?

3L: Law.

Cashier: Thanks for protecting America.

3L: [Stunned silence] Ummm...no problem.

I summon to me spirits!

2L: I don't mind Prof X's exam policy. We can bring in anyone except another person.
1L: Well, what if you're a medium? Can you channel someone during the exam? Say, Cardozo?
2L: Yeah, but not Cardozo. Prof X *hates* Cardozo. Also, I have no idea what he's saying.

It's Good That Your School Offers Free Professional Therapy...

1L: I wasn't aware I still had emotions 'til last week. I thought law school killed them all
3L: The trick is being able to bottle them up and slowly begin the march to a midlife crisis.
1L: I've be bottling them up for a long time then...a midlife crisis is a long way away for a 22 year old.
3L: That's what second year is for

R. Kelly, esquire

3L (pointing to her Lipton Green Tea): I thought this would taste like what I imagine pee would taste like.
2L: Oh, I really like that tea. I like things that are tart and kind of surprising... I guess maybe I would like urine?

That'll happen...

3L #1: Yeah, I realize now why we never noticed him. He is a really non-descript guy.

3L #2: I wouldn't notice him unless I had fucked him.

Perfect your gansta...

3L: If there one thing that 2Pac can get you through, it's secured transactions.

This is what we've been training for...

[Two library employees discussing the renovation of a balcony area in the library.]

Library employee #1: Well, we are going to replace that with a temporary railing.

Library employee #2: For that short period of time? Doesn't seem worth it.

Library employee #1: Have you met the kids here? You really trust them NOT to fall off?

Library employee #2: We are so going to get sued for this conversation.

Which Is Why You Need 100 More Bed Posts

2L #1: I'm going to start a Facebook group entitled "I've been let down by 2L #2."
2L #2: How about "I've been shot down by 2L #2?"
2L #1: There is nobody in the world that could join that group.

How on earth did Scalia go in the first round of the draft?

2L: "My fantasy football team is just like law school. Good on paper but sucktacular in practice."

Overheard by a LawBitch www.lawbitches.blogspot.com

Ohhh... GANJA!

(3L's #1 and #2 are eavesdropping on a conversation about addictive board games)

3L #1: Did you just say that Jenga is a drug?
3L #3: It IS a drug! It's super-addictive!
3L #2: ...I never knew that Jenga could be considered a drug.
3L #4: No, you're thinking of ganja.

procrastinate with me!

If Supreme Court Justices were rock stars!

Only One Of Them Is Virus Free

Female 2L: Wow, someone keeps a clean inbox.
Male 2L: Well, one of us needs to keep a clean box.

A face that only a mother (or a cat) could love

Property professor: Tell us about the case.
1L: There was a crazy cat lady…
Property prof directs class to turn to picture of plaintiff and her cat
Property professor: How could you not love that face?
1L: It's not the cat I have a problem with.
Overheard by DSE

You don't have to read in law school?

3L (starting by reciting the facts of the case): "Just like everyone read."
Prof: "What do you mean everyone read? Don't be delusional."

Overheard by There's No Competition in Law School

takes a licking and keeps on ticking

In trial advocacy

Law Student, regarding a professor: "He's such a fucking cunning linguist."

Overheard by EN

sw33t

1L: Where were you?
2L: I was working on a guy's D&D case. (drinking and driving)
1L: Dungeons and Dragons?
2L: ...Yes. A Paladin battered an Elf and stole his Sword of a Thousand Truths.

Overheard by JDM

Stress relief

Counselor (to the class): There are four stress related problems for law students: alcohlism, drug abuse, gambling and promiscuity.
1L: Beer, No-Doz, Poker and...working on it.

Overheard by JDM

Zing!

Male 2L #1: Evidence sucks.
Female 2L: I'm not doing it.
Male 2L #1: Well, you're a better woman than I.
Male 2L #2: Nobody's a better woman than you.

Well, you must be pretty flexible...

During study group:
1L: Don't worry. I gave myself a vasectomy with my teeth when I was 12.

Overheard by MS

In All Fairness, The Internet Is For Porn

2L: I just did the "forgot password" thing and it e-mailed me a new password and that doesn't work, either...even cyber-career services sucks.

It's Finally Come To This

3L: I just passed a moment in class where the professor officially sounded like the muted trumpet from Peanuts...I have no clue what he's saying anymore...I'm even listening.


Overheard by Old Cowhand

a/s/l?

3L: What are you wearing?
2L: pink pants and a sweater
3L: i am wearing corduroy pants with a striped shirt
2L: and underneath?

has paternity been established?

2L: I am thinking about taking a class with Prof X, but he scares me. He looks like Conan O'Brien's corpse.

always investigate strange noises in your most revealing lingerie

Crim Pro Prof: You all watch Law and Order. When they ask the suspect if they can search his house, what are you all screaming at the TV? Don't consent! Don't consent! Bad things will happen! It's like horror movies. Don't have sex! You're gonna get killed!

Watch your step...

in business law class.
2L#1 (who studied religion before law school): He says "profits" and i hear "prophets"
2L#2: yeah, i walk outside and see torts...my sister sees broken ankles.

a fine line...

2L (talking about prof): He doesn't hate homosexuals, he just doesn't think they should have rights.

What's the thing between the dick and the a-hole?

Crim Pro Prof: You have to purge the taint!

Not all beliefs are up in smoke

Con Law Prof: What's to stop people from saying "I belong to the Church of Weed and need to be exempt from the drug laws?"

Religious Judgment

Liberal-minded 2L: Evolution is a theory, and a great example of scientific method. How can anyone feel that it affronts their religion? I don't see how it can.

Conservative Christian 2L: That's because you're not religious.

so punny

2L: surprise, a bathroom at law school exploded
3L: ours?
2L: yep, there is an email
3L: hahahaahahhaa
2L: i'm pissed, its the one i usually use because noone is ever in there
3L: pissed, good one

I'm sure parts of Oklahoma are...um....nice?

Business Law Prof: For example, let's say you buy a dry dusty piece of land in Oklahoma - well, that's redundant - let's say you buy a piece of land in Oklahoma...

something we should all strive for?

1L: How's your paper coming?

2L: Oh yeah, i'm all over it like an anorexic girl at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

1L: i don't have enough will power to be anorexic. i admire that.

Big Fish in a Small Pond or Little Fish in a Big Pond

On transferring from a Top 100 Law School to a Top 5 Law School

2L: I think about the smartest thing that I can say, I raise my hand to say it, and as soon as I am done talking I know what I have said is so so wrong. I feel like a first grade Special-ed student who has been placed into 5th grade honors math.

he used to work for the city

Property Prof: You look like the kind of guy who knows something about plumbing.

1L: I know how to lay some pipe.

Overheard by DSE

subpoena sluts

re: who to subpoena

Professor: "If you can't get them in the door voluntarily, they probably won't give the most favourable testimony. Lesson learned, class, don't be promiscuous with your subpoenas."

Overheard by Ali

Perjury isn't just for bulimics anymore

Civ Pro Professor: What are you going to do if you know that the statements you take are going to be given over to the other side?

1L: Make false statements!

Overheard by SA

Just like the rest of law school

re: another course he will be teaching in the Spring

Tenured Antitrust Prof who has lost all passion for teaching: “And if you haven’t figured it out by now, you will have to teach it to yourself.”

Overhead by Anonymous

Whatever floats your boat

re: Predicting economic trends based on performance of suburban retail stores.

Biz Orgs Prof: "Some people get their kicks from playboy. I get my kicks from strip malls."

Overheard by KW

that'd explain it!

3L: "We didn't learn evolution in class..."
(silence)
3L: "I'm from Kansas."

Golddiggers: 1, Bleeding Hearts: 0

2L #1: Do you know where diamonds come from?
2L #2: Yes.
2L #1: They come from the sweat and blood of children and slavery.
2L #2: No, they come from coal.

And Now They're Both Frigid

At 2L #1's House for Thanksgiving

2L #2: That's the thing about the Wisconsin accent...it's really easy to pick up and hard to get rid of.

2L #3: Like 2L #1.

You sound like my mother...

3L: But does that make this true because he is lien creditor? [Legitimate Question]

Professor: NO!

(awkward 10 second silence.)

Professor: Would you care for me to elaborate?

At least we know where you're going.

3L: What I lack in planning, I make up for in arrogance.

Professor on Love

Family Law Professor: I agree with you, 3L, it is possible to find love when you're old. ...But it's unlikely.

Are You Sure You're Not A 1L?

2L: I'll do anything I can to not focus on the pain...because when I focus on the pain, I throw up.

Salesmen run when they see me coming...

Business Writing Prof (talking about fee when returning a leased car): Never pay a fee to return a car, cross it right off. No one is going to kill a deal cause you won't pay a $150 fee...People don't like doing business with me.

Fine, I'll do the dishes.

3L: Oh come on, my kitchen is not that bad.
2L: 3L, I've seen swimming holes full of retards that are more sanitary than your kitchen.

Time to go for older women?

2L #1: pregnant chicks freak me out, i try to avoid them.
2L #2: i try to avoid chicks who can get pregnant. granted this doesn't do much for my romantic life...

ew, not like that!

Prof, while discussing jail house snitches and when they violate Massiah: So the snitch is sucking up to you. In the metaphorical sense.

*class groans*

Prof: Oh, come on! You all know what goes on in prisons.

Good Taste Police!!

Prof, while discussing Lynch v. Donnelley: The description of this holiday display sounds incredibly tacky. It's too bad that we can't make a legal claim on the basis of poor taste.

Elwood and Jake would be proud

Con Law prof: We like Christianity and Judaism! Country and western! All together!

looking for love in all the wrong places

The scene: Bioethics class is looking at an egg donor website on the Smartboard.


Prof: Okay, this one here actually provides a picture.
2L guy: Is she hot?
Prof clicks on picture.
2L: Well, maybe after a couple of beers.

Sure, blame it on the old guys...

Professor: Well, but that really depends on what the optimal amount of sexual harassment is. It's definitely above zero.

(Class laughs nervously.)

Professor: Damn! I mean that's what the court thinks! [Then very seriously] THE COURT. NOT ME.

Assault with a pregnant mouse?

To 1L Torts class about practice exams:

Torts Prof: I presume that none of you did this under realistic under fire conditions, with someone chewing gum, someone making this [sniffling/snorting] noise, someone coughing, and you want to beat them with a pregnant mouse.

-Overheard by MS

They must work in the little shed in the back...

Student asking question of professional athletic team's in-house counsel.

Law Student: So, how much does the outhouse counsel do?

Only if you commit a crime?

Crim prof: If you act according to what God tells you, you're insane.

Overheard by EM

The younger, the better

Federal Income Tax Prof.: The tax code is like a page, Congress can't keep it's hand off of it.

Overheard by Ex.Coll.

ouch

Re: a particularly brutal rape case

Crim Law Prof: You can see that this isn't the candles and the chardonnay.

overheard by 1LG (1lg.blogspot.com)

There's plenty of time to be an asshole

While discussing Bak-a-lum v. Alcoa:

Contracts Prof: Yeah, you can terminate at will, but c'mon; you can't be an asshole about it!

Overheard by Nova

In Good Company

Prof: Alabama has been known for its racism.
1L: You know Alabama isn't the only racist state, Mississippi is also very racist.

Overheard by anonymous

You know you're a law student when...

2L: "Oh my god! So Denise Richards was in a casino for a party and got pissed off at a paparazzi. She grabbed their laptop and threw it off a balcony and, I shit you not, she hit an 80 year old woman in a wheelchair. Could you imagine what a great torts case this would be?"

Overheard by El Creel

Close enough

3L: Yeah, I think I found that information on that crazy conservative organization's webpage, Americans for the Family Way?

She meant Focus on the Family.

Can we pick the people?

RE: computer hackers performing tests on other networks, which the court found to not cause any actual damage

"It's sort of like the velociraptors testing the weaknesses of the security fence. (pause) I had a Jurassic Park craving this weekend that was not satisfied, so if you come up to my office later on, you may find me watching the DVD. Do people get that or is it just me? Do you sometimes just want to see dinosaurs eating people?"

Overheard by TI

Definitely a four letter word...

Professor (after a student used fairness as a factor in a balancing test): Did you just use the f-word? You DO NOT use that language in polite company.

a sticky situation

1L Male: Law school is a lot like having sex without a condom. You're happy you got it, but pretty bummed you came.

Sad But True

IP Prof: Can anyone tell me what fantasy baseball is?
Student: The Cubs winning the World Series.

so thats where that is...

Evidence Professor: Do you know where this case is from?

3L: Uh...the 5th circuit?

Evidence Professor: It's from Tex-Ark county . Do you know where that is? It's scary place, probably the only place where the Bushes and Clintons can inter-marry. On a side note, there are two things I hate. Incompetence and people from Tex-Ark county.

Which Is Why I Teach Corporations

3L: Can you speak to the constitutionality of including spouses and children?
Corporations Prof: I can’t speak about the constitutionality of anything!

Your Tax Dollars At Work

Prof: Do I have an answer to your question? No. But I can talk for a long time, because I’m a professional. I’m paid to talk when I have nothing to say.

Something smells fishy!

Class is coming back from a break and many have gotten sushi that was being served by a student group.

Sports Law Prof: Does anyone not have their mouth full of raw fish and can tell me about this case?

On discussing Rhode Island v. Innis and manipulating suspects by appealing to their better nature.

Student: But he just blew a cabbie's head off!
Prof: Oh, he's not all bad.

Let us know how you really feel.

Religion & Law Prof: (while discussing City of Boerne) This is the worst constitutional ruling in recent years. It’s just so poorly reasoned and dishonest. As if I didn’t have enough reasons to dislike Justice Scalia.

love me tender

1L #1- What is "legal tender"?
1L #2- It's when you develop a special kind of relationship with your lawyer...
1L #3- It's when you start spooning.
1L #4- What about illegal tender?
1L #2- That's when you start spooning with the other guy's lawyer...
1L #1- It's like "ex parte" tender...

Overheard by hick narcissus

He's a Republican?

Re: Doing trust work for a murderer (This professor also defended German banks in Holocaust litigation.)

Civ Pro Prof: "It's one of the reasons why my resume reads like an application to hell."

Overheard by Bruski

Typical virgin mistake

3L: All sex is prostitution.
Prof: Well, that's an interesting way to end class.

Overheard by JW

if I were in high school, i'd be crying

Overheard at a job interview:

Senior partner: this firm is a cross between a gym class, a sweatshop, and a locker room.

Overheard by Ex.Coll.

At least it wasn't Gilbert Godfrey opening the box...

Re: 404(a)

Prof: Does anyone know what Pandora's Box is? Who's Pandora anyway? I imagine Angelina Jolie opening the box, and all this shit coming out! And we're talking about really bad shit here!

Overheard by EN

That's gotta hurt

In Civil Procedure (taught by the dean of the law school):

Dean: Do you see any good lawyers in this room?

1L: (looking around at classmates) No.

Dean: Well, thanks the hell a lot!

Overheard by AB

They charge extra for waterboarding

2L #1 was complaining about the 30 hours she had spent working on the authority checks for a law review article.
2L #2: "Well at least you're paid well for that."
2L #1 (looking blankly at the other 2L): "You mean I'm paying for that measly credit."
2L #2: "You have to pay to do that shit? That's like getting a bill for your stay at Gitmo."

Overheard by The LawBitches

Biological clocks do tick

Crim law prof: "You can't ever wait too long to get married. Well, unless you're a woman."

Overheard by Nova

Zoning restrictions

Property Prof: "Ok, are you ready? I'm going to throw a hooker at you!"

Overheard by Mel

On Rehnquist

Re: Locke v. Davey

Con Law Prof: This is such a poorly written opinion ... He was just getting sloppy in the end.

Honesty: Not ALWAYS The Best Policy

Guest Speaker: You know, your careers are going to be what you make of them, so make them count.

Smart-ass 3L: *in a singsong voice* I smell disbarrment....

More MPRE Fun...

MPRE Instructor discussing avoiding appointment: Pretty much any reason works. Like, 'You're poor? That's disgusting!'

****

MPRE Instructor discussing restrictions on advertising: You can't tell people your father is on the Illinois Supreme Court. People will ask, 'So are you retarded too?'

paging Dr. Freud

MPRE Review Instructor: Regarding sleeping with your clients, if you start sleeping with them *after* the attorney-client relationship is formed, that's a no-no and you have to pull out. I mean withdraw. Crap. Okay, you can't be their lawyer anymore.

I Hope They're Not Discussing Halloween Costumes

2L#1: But the ATCA is jurisdictional. It doesn't create a federal cause of action.
2L#2: Well it does create a federal cause of action in some limited situations...like piracy.
2L#1: But piracy would already be under federal jurisdiction, since it's maritime law.
2L#2: Not necessarily. What about music pirates? Or internet pirates? Or butt pirates?

...

2L#2: Why do they call them butt pirates?
2L#1: Because when you put your penis in their butt, they go, "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

The Distinction is Ever So Fine

A Professor on Depositions: "I can't suborn perjury, but I can engage in truth engineering"

making law school sexy...

Prof is writing initials of people on white board after a simulated negotiated.

Prof: okay, Scott and Markus (writes S/M) ... maybe i'll write out the names...

stereotypes shmereotypes

Prof: you're going to get a very different type of voter at a NASCAR race than you would at, I don't know, a bio-diesel rally.

The Better Question Is "Why's That Smell?"

2L#1: What's that smell?
2L#2: We're in New Jersey.
2L#1: Oh.