first, the paternity test

3L: So is it possible that a really unscrupulous plaintiff's lawyer would say a couple was married and claim loss of consortium even if they weren't.

Pretrial Practice Prof: Well, it's possible. But at some point during discovery, you're likely to interview or depose the wife. If two people come in wearing wedding rings and say they're married, you're likely to believe them. If you have doubts, you can always ask for a copy of the marriage certificate.

3L: Oh, okay.

PPP: Well, unless you're in litigation with Anna Nicole Smith. Then get everything in writing.

Prof 1, 2L 0

A hypo involving charging a sexually molested 14 year old for murdering his captor:

2L: I don't know, maybe there is political fallout if we don't charge the kid, is it an election year?
Crim Pro Prof: God, you're such a tool!

Prosecutors are super important.

Crim Pro Prof: Nobody wins felony possession cases. If you're a felon, and you're in possession of a weapon, you lose. The prosecutor wins every time. My dog, who is eleven and has dementia, could win these cases. If only she could figure out how to open the door and get the felon on the stand, I'm telling you she could win. And she can't see.

I'd do anything for love

1L girl: So you're not seeing [girlfriend] anymore? What happened?
2L guy: Well, I kind of dicked her over.
1L girl: Of course you dicked her over. You're going to be a lawyer. That's what we do.