Legal Writing: Destroyer of Dreams

As the first paper assignments are being handed back with professor’s comments written on them:

3L #1: I got a ‘Good’
3L #2: I got a ‘Drop out of law school’

a little crack never hurt anyone....

Crim Pro class talking about search warrants.

2L: well, if there was crack cocaine they couldn't just go looking for that...
Prof: Well, let's put the crack cocaine aside - you can keep your crack cocaine for now....crackhead.

one way or another

Discussing loss of consortium claims in the context of wrongful termination.

3L: Wait, how can you get loss of consortium for the spouse when the employee's not injured, just out of a job?
2L: Maybe emotional distress leads to ED...which leads to loss of consortium?
3L: ED causing ED. I like it.
2L: Better than ED causing VD.

don't try this in civ pro, kids

The scene: dinner, where people are relating goofy stories about their childhood.

Woman: When I was in elementary school, I brought my father's bong to school for show and tell. It was glass, and pretty, and had butterflies swirling all around it. I thought it was beautiful, so I brought it in and said I didn't know what it was. I was very confused when they sent me to the office and called my parents to come fetch it and me.

3L: Wait, the school administration let your father take his bong back?

Man: Sure, they're perfectly legal for smoking tobacco. You're a law student and you don't know this?

Announcing the iStrudel

2L #1: i think apple should buy volkswagen. they have the same clientele.
2L#2: good call.
2L#1: but what should their name be? how about strudel? it combines germany and apples!

Vote Early, Vote Often, and Become a Judge

Prof: "Just so you know, being a good judge has nothing to do with being a good lawyer...especially in Cook County"

Exploding Toasters, Pharmaceuticals and Bears - Oh My!

3L #1: Is Products Liability a good class?
3L #2: Oh yeah. It's gory like Torts. People are always getting mauled by bears and stuff.
3L #1: Um?
3L #2: Wait. Probably not, since bears aren't products. ...but mechanical bears are.

Overheard by Friend of Dorothy

Forward Thinking

3L: "I wonder if the suicide rate goes up during the Bar Exam period?"

what if you are singing to the toilet?

Criminal Procedure class discussing whether there is an expectation of privacy in a bathroom stall.

2L #1: well, you expect people can see your feet - and that some sounds might be heard...
Prof: What if there are two sets of legs in there? What should the officer do?
2L #2: Knock and annouce?

How to gather fingerprints, take 1

Evidence prof: Sometimes when you drown, the skin sloughs off and then you get a floater!

freedom fries, anyone?

3L #1 (coming back from the snack bar): Anyone want some pita chips and hummus?
3L #2: No thanks.
3L #3: No, I do not want any of your Islamofacist food.

is kevorkian out yet?

law student #1: Oh, that's sad, they euthanized Barbaro this morning.
law student #2: isnt it strange that when they euthanize animals it's sad, but when they do it to people everyone gets pissed off?

Is a fetus unfair prejudice?

2L: well, you might have things on the table from other cases...
Evidence Prof: Yeah, you don't want them to show a picture with items from other cases, like hand grenades and dead babies....

Lesson Learned?

Evidence Prof: I cut my finger working in my woodshop the other day on my jointer, you can bet I won’t do that again.
Student: But you still use your jointer.
Evidence Prof: Yeah, but it scares me, there’s still blood on the floor.

I've Got Nothing to Hide...Except.....

Crim Pro Prof: If you have nothing to hide do you just let the police go through your house?
Student #1: if you've got nothing to hide then who cares. Leave the windows wide open, save money on air conditioning.
Student #2: You can still have things to hide that aren't illegal.

An old quote but a good one

3L (1L at the time): If there was an earthquake, and your house fell into the crack, would you adversely possess everything in that crack?

Good to know for the bar

3L: There are no wombats in torts.

Things Heard But Not Seen

3L #1: The Professor is blind. And there are 14 people in the class.
3L #2: The class is held in a regular lecture hall for a 100 people or so, but all of us sit in the back of the class
3L #3: Why do you all sit in the back? Are you afraid that he is going to see you?

why doesn't my tuition cover dry erase markers?

3L: Would you mind writing that Latin expression on the board?

Prof: Let me see if there's a marker. No, no markers. Hrm. I could write it in Chap Stick...

Unless, Of Course, He's Paid For It

Crim Pro Prof: Rehnquist doesn't mind his garbage being searched, but he doesn't want his bag being squeezed when he travels.

Was THAT What You Call A Pep Talk?

Professor: When you take the Bar Exam, you're going to leave feeling like you missed half the questions. And guess what? You probably did.

just a little, tiny bit

Discussing Mers v. Dispatch Printing:

Employment Prof: So tell us about Mers. What happened to him?

2L: He was working as a traveling representative for Dispatch. And then he got into a little bit of legal trouble: rape, kidnapping, and gross sexual imposition.

Prof: Right. Just a little bit.

really, I'm far too weak to execute another convict

Legislation prof explaining the historical context of the rule of lenity: Most crimes used to be capital offenses. The rule of lenity was basically an out. Well, we weren't as specific as we should have been, so we won't hang you. It upsets us when we drink our port at night.

Make sure you wash the tails

2L: Take this class instead, I promise it's going to be more fun.
3L: Lots of things sound more fun than the class I'm in right now; this is of course including bath time in the monkey house at the zoo.

O

3L female: That girl smiles like a donut.

The Secret Lives of Our Parents

Gay 3L: And somewhere over there is that new bath house; it apparently has the largest sauna in the world.
Straight Male 3L: The largest Sauna? or the largest sauna full of gay men?
Gay 3L: Both.
Straight Female 3L: Oh yea. I think my dad inspected their plumbing................Oh, in a nonsexual way!!!!

genuflect!

Wills and Trusts Prof: One of the more famous cases involves brother and sister fighting over a family Bible. Years of litigation.

3L: How very Christian of them.

And who says we're not considerate?

2L female #1: I hate wearing this tank top because I feel like the girls might be popping out at any time.
3L female #1: Yeah, that's how I feel in mine, too... It's like 'Hey boobs, go back where you belong!'

2L female #2 looks up from her reading, distracted.

2L female #2: Boobs?
3L female #2: Guys, quit it with the boob talk, lesbian at the table trying to read. Have some consideration!

Nope, saw her on Jerry Springer

Tort Professor: Who in here has children?
Female 1L Raises hand
Professor: Okay. Imagine that your daughter reaches 15 and becomes incredibly sexually charged and curious and begins experimenting.
Female 1L: Oh, you knew her?

Overheard by SB

Your zodiac sign leads you astray

3L on Winter Break: "...actually, I'm in my third year of law schoolat [name of school]."

3L's old friend from high school: "Really? That's interesting; I've often considered law school for myself... because I'm a Sagitarius."

Overheard by TI

Police indiscretion

Law student (who is also a Police Officer): When I am dealing with parolees I tell them "rectify the situation or I will violate you."

Overheard by Inert Child

Anybody have a tampon? Anybody?

Re: A class entitled "Sex, Gender, and the Law," with a severely disproportionate number of females enrolled.

3L#1: I'm afraid this class is going to be too touchy-feely.
3L#2: I love touchy-feely! I'm going to hug everybody before each class and give them a chocolate covered Midol!

is SCOTUS really like law school?

The skeletons in Rehnquist's closet: prescription drug addiction.

So much for equality.

Crim Pro Prof: But if we're all treated unfairly equally...well, it sucks.

sign me up for the Teamsters!

Employment Law Prof: Historically, trade unions have been segregated by ethnic groups, some of which is sort of funny if you have a weird sense of humor. Concrete and stone masons are Italian, carpenters are Jewish.

Law School Teaches Life Skills

Professor: In this class, I'm going to teach you a skill that will positively benefit you for the rest of your professional lives…
3L: Falling asleep with your eyes open?

Scene- Women's lawyer association even with Women's law student group.
Female Attorney #1 (discussing events the Association hosts): The Judicial Luncheon is amazing. It's almost as if Judges are human.

Female Attorney #2 (discussing maternity leave): You can't go asking your boss what to do. They'll say "Drop the baby and get back on the blackberry!"
It's just a guy mentality: "What'll you need? one day? two?"


Overheard by Jaime

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing

Male 2L: We can do the externship in D.C. for the Fall, and then do the semester abroad in London for the Spring together. And we can do it all the time since we'll be in a different country so it won't count.

Female 2L: That's right, it doesn't. Bring your condoms.

Male 2L: If I still have those condoms in a year, it would be really sad.

Female 2L: Umm, yeah...bring the condoms.

Next Up: Spin The Bottle In The Library Of Congress

2L: Two days before my reunion I realized I would be seeing all these people that have been married for 8 years or have 3 kids or both, and I'm in the law school library playing the penis game . . . I can't believe I've actually gotten less mature since high school.

the best things in life are free

3L to very drunk woman at a bar: Are you all right?
Woman: Yes, yes. Are we bothering you? Do you want money?
3L: No, no. Just making sure everything's okay.
Woman: I can give you money! I have my corporate credit card.

this guy walks into a bar...

The scene: a group of 2L and 3Ls are drinking together at the new swanky bowling alley downtown and watching corporate holiday parties.

Very drunk male manager to very drunk female co-worker: Mewwy Cwistmas! *smooch*
VDFC-W: *smooch* You're drunk.

3L onlooker: My inner labor law attorney is screaming right now. Stop, stop! Sexual harassment!
2L: Eh, it looks consensual.
3L: But it doesn't matter! There are other employees there! That's a hostile work environment!
2L: 3L, we're taking away your drink.

Especially when the game's on

Tax Prof: The IRC (internal revenue code) is just like your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it just doesn't deliver.
overheard by a law bitch

Worst test ever

One foreign first year student to another after the 1L Property exam: “It was so bad. I wish I was back in China.”

overheard by kw

cause: alcohol

on causation:

Torts Prof: You know when you were a teenager having a fight with your parents and you would go "I never asked for me to be born" - what a stupid comment, of COURSE you didn't. The correct answer to that is "Neither did we, you were a drunken mistake."

overheard by susie law school

Probably more useful that way

while taking a practice exam, 1L#1 consults with 1L#2 on AIM:

1L#1: Are you working on #17?
1L#2: No I used my test to pick up a roach 30 minutes ago.

overheard by SA

the slippery slope

2L: I just want to get laid. I even thought about [shady fellow law student at the party the other night].
3L: But you have standards.
2L: No, I don't have standards. I just didn't feel well.

Mmm, buttery tasting

3L male, drunk: I need sex but popcorn will suffice.

With an attitude like that, they already won

3L#1: What final do you have left?
3L#2: Counterterrorism.
3L#1: Ew. That sounds awful.
3L#2: What, are you a terrorist?

A cross between Scrooge and Learned Hand

while sitting and studying in an empty classroom and hearing a noise...

3L#1: This place is haunted.
3L#2: Yeah, by the ghost of our hopes and dreams.

First and last time I think we'll hear that...

Cashier: What are you studying at x-university?

3L: Law.

Cashier: Thanks for protecting America.

3L: [Stunned silence] Ummm...no problem.

I summon to me spirits!

2L: I don't mind Prof X's exam policy. We can bring in anyone except another person.
1L: Well, what if you're a medium? Can you channel someone during the exam? Say, Cardozo?
2L: Yeah, but not Cardozo. Prof X *hates* Cardozo. Also, I have no idea what he's saying.

It's Good That Your School Offers Free Professional Therapy...

1L: I wasn't aware I still had emotions 'til last week. I thought law school killed them all
3L: The trick is being able to bottle them up and slowly begin the march to a midlife crisis.
1L: I've be bottling them up for a long time then...a midlife crisis is a long way away for a 22 year old.
3L: That's what second year is for

R. Kelly, esquire

3L (pointing to her Lipton Green Tea): I thought this would taste like what I imagine pee would taste like.
2L: Oh, I really like that tea. I like things that are tart and kind of surprising... I guess maybe I would like urine?

That'll happen...

3L #1: Yeah, I realize now why we never noticed him. He is a really non-descript guy.

3L #2: I wouldn't notice him unless I had fucked him.

Perfect your gansta...

3L: If there one thing that 2Pac can get you through, it's secured transactions.

This is what we've been training for...

[Two library employees discussing the renovation of a balcony area in the library.]

Library employee #1: Well, we are going to replace that with a temporary railing.

Library employee #2: For that short period of time? Doesn't seem worth it.

Library employee #1: Have you met the kids here? You really trust them NOT to fall off?

Library employee #2: We are so going to get sued for this conversation.

Which Is Why You Need 100 More Bed Posts

2L #1: I'm going to start a Facebook group entitled "I've been let down by 2L #2."
2L #2: How about "I've been shot down by 2L #2?"
2L #1: There is nobody in the world that could join that group.

How on earth did Scalia go in the first round of the draft?

2L: "My fantasy football team is just like law school. Good on paper but sucktacular in practice."

Overheard by a LawBitch www.lawbitches.blogspot.com

Ohhh... GANJA!

(3L's #1 and #2 are eavesdropping on a conversation about addictive board games)

3L #1: Did you just say that Jenga is a drug?
3L #3: It IS a drug! It's super-addictive!
3L #2: ...I never knew that Jenga could be considered a drug.
3L #4: No, you're thinking of ganja.

procrastinate with me!

If Supreme Court Justices were rock stars!

Only One Of Them Is Virus Free

Female 2L: Wow, someone keeps a clean inbox.
Male 2L: Well, one of us needs to keep a clean box.

A face that only a mother (or a cat) could love

Property professor: Tell us about the case.
1L: There was a crazy cat lady…
Property prof directs class to turn to picture of plaintiff and her cat
Property professor: How could you not love that face?
1L: It's not the cat I have a problem with.
Overheard by DSE

You don't have to read in law school?

3L (starting by reciting the facts of the case): "Just like everyone read."
Prof: "What do you mean everyone read? Don't be delusional."

Overheard by There's No Competition in Law School

takes a licking and keeps on ticking

In trial advocacy

Law Student, regarding a professor: "He's such a fucking cunning linguist."

Overheard by EN

sw33t

1L: Where were you?
2L: I was working on a guy's D&D case. (drinking and driving)
1L: Dungeons and Dragons?
2L: ...Yes. A Paladin battered an Elf and stole his Sword of a Thousand Truths.

Overheard by JDM

Stress relief

Counselor (to the class): There are four stress related problems for law students: alcohlism, drug abuse, gambling and promiscuity.
1L: Beer, No-Doz, Poker and...working on it.

Overheard by JDM

Zing!

Male 2L #1: Evidence sucks.
Female 2L: I'm not doing it.
Male 2L #1: Well, you're a better woman than I.
Male 2L #2: Nobody's a better woman than you.

Well, you must be pretty flexible...

During study group:
1L: Don't worry. I gave myself a vasectomy with my teeth when I was 12.

Overheard by MS

In All Fairness, The Internet Is For Porn

2L: I just did the "forgot password" thing and it e-mailed me a new password and that doesn't work, either...even cyber-career services sucks.

It's Finally Come To This

3L: I just passed a moment in class where the professor officially sounded like the muted trumpet from Peanuts...I have no clue what he's saying anymore...I'm even listening.


Overheard by Old Cowhand

a/s/l?

3L: What are you wearing?
2L: pink pants and a sweater
3L: i am wearing corduroy pants with a striped shirt
2L: and underneath?

has paternity been established?

2L: I am thinking about taking a class with Prof X, but he scares me. He looks like Conan O'Brien's corpse.

always investigate strange noises in your most revealing lingerie

Crim Pro Prof: You all watch Law and Order. When they ask the suspect if they can search his house, what are you all screaming at the TV? Don't consent! Don't consent! Bad things will happen! It's like horror movies. Don't have sex! You're gonna get killed!

Watch your step...

in business law class.
2L#1 (who studied religion before law school): He says "profits" and i hear "prophets"
2L#2: yeah, i walk outside and see torts...my sister sees broken ankles.

a fine line...

2L (talking about prof): He doesn't hate homosexuals, he just doesn't think they should have rights.

What's the thing between the dick and the a-hole?

Crim Pro Prof: You have to purge the taint!

Not all beliefs are up in smoke

Con Law Prof: What's to stop people from saying "I belong to the Church of Weed and need to be exempt from the drug laws?"

Religious Judgment

Liberal-minded 2L: Evolution is a theory, and a great example of scientific method. How can anyone feel that it affronts their religion? I don't see how it can.

Conservative Christian 2L: That's because you're not religious.

so punny

2L: surprise, a bathroom at law school exploded
3L: ours?
2L: yep, there is an email
3L: hahahaahahhaa
2L: i'm pissed, its the one i usually use because noone is ever in there
3L: pissed, good one

I'm sure parts of Oklahoma are...um....nice?

Business Law Prof: For example, let's say you buy a dry dusty piece of land in Oklahoma - well, that's redundant - let's say you buy a piece of land in Oklahoma...

something we should all strive for?

1L: How's your paper coming?

2L: Oh yeah, i'm all over it like an anorexic girl at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

1L: i don't have enough will power to be anorexic. i admire that.

Big Fish in a Small Pond or Little Fish in a Big Pond

On transferring from a Top 100 Law School to a Top 5 Law School

2L: I think about the smartest thing that I can say, I raise my hand to say it, and as soon as I am done talking I know what I have said is so so wrong. I feel like a first grade Special-ed student who has been placed into 5th grade honors math.

he used to work for the city

Property Prof: You look like the kind of guy who knows something about plumbing.

1L: I know how to lay some pipe.

Overheard by DSE

subpoena sluts

re: who to subpoena

Professor: "If you can't get them in the door voluntarily, they probably won't give the most favourable testimony. Lesson learned, class, don't be promiscuous with your subpoenas."

Overheard by Ali

Perjury isn't just for bulimics anymore

Civ Pro Professor: What are you going to do if you know that the statements you take are going to be given over to the other side?

1L: Make false statements!

Overheard by SA

Just like the rest of law school

re: another course he will be teaching in the Spring

Tenured Antitrust Prof who has lost all passion for teaching: “And if you haven’t figured it out by now, you will have to teach it to yourself.”

Overhead by Anonymous

Whatever floats your boat

re: Predicting economic trends based on performance of suburban retail stores.

Biz Orgs Prof: "Some people get their kicks from playboy. I get my kicks from strip malls."

Overheard by KW

that'd explain it!

3L: "We didn't learn evolution in class..."
(silence)
3L: "I'm from Kansas."

Golddiggers: 1, Bleeding Hearts: 0

2L #1: Do you know where diamonds come from?
2L #2: Yes.
2L #1: They come from the sweat and blood of children and slavery.
2L #2: No, they come from coal.

And Now They're Both Frigid

At 2L #1's House for Thanksgiving

2L #2: That's the thing about the Wisconsin accent...it's really easy to pick up and hard to get rid of.

2L #3: Like 2L #1.

You sound like my mother...

3L: But does that make this true because he is lien creditor? [Legitimate Question]

Professor: NO!

(awkward 10 second silence.)

Professor: Would you care for me to elaborate?

At least we know where you're going.

3L: What I lack in planning, I make up for in arrogance.

Professor on Love

Family Law Professor: I agree with you, 3L, it is possible to find love when you're old. ...But it's unlikely.

Are You Sure You're Not A 1L?

2L: I'll do anything I can to not focus on the pain...because when I focus on the pain, I throw up.

Salesmen run when they see me coming...

Business Writing Prof (talking about fee when returning a leased car): Never pay a fee to return a car, cross it right off. No one is going to kill a deal cause you won't pay a $150 fee...People don't like doing business with me.

Fine, I'll do the dishes.

3L: Oh come on, my kitchen is not that bad.
2L: 3L, I've seen swimming holes full of retards that are more sanitary than your kitchen.

Time to go for older women?

2L #1: pregnant chicks freak me out, i try to avoid them.
2L #2: i try to avoid chicks who can get pregnant. granted this doesn't do much for my romantic life...

ew, not like that!

Prof, while discussing jail house snitches and when they violate Massiah: So the snitch is sucking up to you. In the metaphorical sense.

*class groans*

Prof: Oh, come on! You all know what goes on in prisons.

Good Taste Police!!

Prof, while discussing Lynch v. Donnelley: The description of this holiday display sounds incredibly tacky. It's too bad that we can't make a legal claim on the basis of poor taste.

Elwood and Jake would be proud

Con Law prof: We like Christianity and Judaism! Country and western! All together!