freudian blackboards

Noticed on a blackboard following a property review:

Standard
Jurisprude

At least you have a way to pass the time?

Law School Grad (waiting for bar results): oh good, i was hoping for bar results before i left, but luckily i got an ad for butt plugs so i'll still be able to be f***ed in the ass!

Don't make me get my belt!

Prof (who is also a practicing criminal law attorney): Everytime I go in there I give my credit card to one of the public defenders who comes to watch, because one of these days Judge X is going to throw me in jail.
3L: Why?
Prof: We got him spanked by daddy....Posner spanked him.

Northwestern University College of Law and Microbrewery

Overheard at an expansive Liquor Store in Chicago:

Female #1: Do you work here?
Employee: Yes
Female #2: We hate you.
Female #1: Kidding!
Employee: How can I help you?
Female #1: We are looking to buy beer, but we don't know what to get
Female #2: We don't want Frat Party beer
Female #1: And we don't want something that screams 'Snob!'
Employee: You want Law Student Beer.
Female #1 and #2: YES!

Does this smell like torts, oranges, or pine trees?

Recent Grad: [State's] bar is apparently scratch 'n' sniff, because [other recent grad] passed!

Those chicks sure do move fast on the L-Word

1L: Why is the clock moving so slow?
1L lesbian: Cause god has a penis.

Overheard by Emma

West-Crack and LexisMeth-is

Regarding the shameless self-promotion of Lexis and Westlaw at 1L orientation.

1L#1: It's like they're taking their marketing cues from street hustlers.

1L#2: Yeah, "Psssst--hey, kid, wanna buy a statute?"

1L#1: "C'mon, first ten hits are free."


Overheard by JB3

Great 2nd Amendment argument

2L: I was thinking that maybe I should be saving my money for a new computer instead of buying more guns; but I figure there’s no one trying to make it illegal to buy a computer so I’ll just buy guns for now.

Overheard by DSE

Is it Strickland yet?

Attorney: "Your honor, I wasn't aware my client had any priors."

Judge: "Really. You represented him on that case."

Overheard by JLE

Priapism is a serious condition

Torts Professor: Party A agrees to have 'intimate relations' with party B for $20. Party B knowingly gives party A a counterfeit $20 bill. Is there harm? I mean, Party A is stiffed.

Overheard by DJB

Another great reason to spend $50K

Torts Prof: "I didn't take notes in law school. Though in some classes, I got so bored, that I figured that law school would provide me with the perfect opportunity to learn how to write with my left hand. So I did take some notes, but they were technically penmanship practice."

Overheard by KG

He meant point the finger of blame at her, clearly

Re: Bonkowski v. Arlan's Department Store

Torts Prof: Defendants may, in this case, possibly be held liable for a tort if "one holds her down while the other one fingers her."

Overheard by DF

Invest in some really big notebooks

Evidence Prof: Now the defendants have heard that their medication is causing praipism. That’s like in the Viagra and cialis commercials when they say, “If you’ve had an erection for more than four hours…” This is a serious condition. Any man knows how hard it would be to try to pee standing on your head.

Overheard by JV

You found a use for it after all!

2L, yelling: I am going to beat you to death with my UCC!

Overheard by LH

It's similar to the douchebag test

Contracts Professor: "Bastardy proceedings are interesting because you don't actually get to prove someone is a bastard."

Overheard by mn

but he did it for you?

1L #1: but a hammer and nails is not intrinsically dangerous

1L #2: i don't know, jesus was killed with a hammer and nails.

Overheard by EW

Admit it, you know this guy

Professor: "Now I remember back when I was in law school, and even in undergrad - even though that was a long time ago, that if someone asked me how much time I spent on something – I'd lie! I'd tell them I didn’t spend any time on it, or just 15 minutes, but in reality I spent three hours. Why? Because that’s the competition! I want them to only spend 15 minutes. So don’t trust other people I guess is what I’m trying to tell you. Think about it! If I spend 3 hours working on something and they spend 15 minutes, guess who lives in the bigger house!"

Overheard by LegalBuffy

On the count of three, everybody vomit

Prof walks in, shows the bloodstains on his shirt from his neck: "Hold on while I get a towel but don't worry, I'm not canceling class."

Overheard by MJG

yes please!

Criminal Law prof: "You can still consent to have a good wrestle with your buddy on the floor … assuming guys still do that."

Overheard by ML

Character and fitness is overrated

The Dean: "Don't let bar nights bar you from the bar."

Overheard by I could be sleeping...

thank you, I'm here all week

Torts professor: "Sex for money is prostitution… so the only harm is if you got stiffed."

Overheard by I could be sleeping....

Maybe not so bad after all

Civ Pro Prof: "You know, extortion has such a negative connotation."

Overheard by without reason

But we paid $50K for it!

Prof: How many of you think this year [3L] is totally unnecessary?

*Everyone raises their hand*

Prof: IT IS!!

Overheard by Melanie

R. Kelly gives two thumbs up

Associate Dean: "Yes, urination is always a treat."

Overheard by AK

processed

Torts Professor on first day of class: "Welcome to Torts R Us, an introduction suing everyone for just about everything. Learning to sue the bastards should be fun!"

Overheard by Newly Minted 1L

Rules are for wusses.

Torts prof: "Rules are a starting point... and often an annoying impediment."

Overheard by Sara

Figures.

From a firm sponsored mini-golf outing:
Summer Associate #1(shouting from hole 4 to hole 5): Summer Associate #2, are you guys winning?
Summer Associate #2 (shouting back): I don't know, we're cheating.

Overheard by KW

Only $10 on iTunes

Crim Professor: Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina! Are you over it yet?
(pause)
Crim Professor: Oh shit, this class is recorded for iLecture.

Overheard by Frangipani

Drug Test This

Business Crimes Prof: "Don’t take notes on this… But if I was in Michael Vick's situation, I’d be getting stoned regularly too."

Overheard by anonymous

Priorities

1L #1, before the property final: "My four-year-old stepdaughter helped me study. We had a nice talk about abandoned, lost and mislaid property, and about interests in the land of others. A few hours later she asked whether shipwrecks could have appurtenant easements."

1L #2: "And how did you answer?"

1L #1: "I told her I didn't know, after several minutes of over-thinking the problem. I think, at that moment, I would have rather explained how babies were made or why her mommy and her daddy can't live together."

Overheard by SR

E.T. has rights too

1L: I don't care if she thought they were aliens, she's still intending to harm an alien.

Overheard by PM

Ye of little faith

2L #1, during a Professional Responsibility study session: "I give myself five years before I'm
disbarred."

2L #2: "Really? You think it will take that long?"

Overheard by EW

I can be bought!

Contracts Prof: Your employer wants to change your employment from only firing for cause to employment at will. Would you agree to that?

1L: I would never do that.

Contracts Prof: But what if they promised to double your salary?

1L: I would totally do that.

Overheard by SR

Kids on Drugs

Crim Law Prof: Marijuana is a gateway drug!? Listen, breast milk is the real gateway drug, okay?

Overheard by CD

Well, there was a handshake...

Contracts Prof: "Contracts aren't masturbation; two people are required for a valid contract."

Overheard by AM

Candy is Dandy...

Eccentric Torts professor to frightened 1L class, while on a tangent about rape:

Eccentric Torts professor: "Because it's so utterly dull to go through the game of romance, am I right guys? All men know that candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

Overheard by VB.

and liquor is quicker!

Prof: You can never unilaterally f#ck your spouse....oh wait, somehow I have three children running around so maybe it is possible.

Overheard by AM

Useless takes on a whole new meaning.

Career Planning Counselor: Well sometimes it helps me to imagine the worst case scenario. So what's the worst case scenario?

3L Looking for Job Advice: Not getting a job when I graduate in two months so I'm unable to meet my living expenses or pay back student loans, and have to live in a cardboard box in Central Park.

Career Planning Counselor: Yes, but at least you'll have your health.

3L: --Dumbfounded Silence--


Overheard by KDB

Best Little Whorehouse in the Country!

Con Law Prof: Would it surprise you to find out that the government was running a whorehouse?

1L: You mean other than Congress?

Overheard by LM

That's a costly return

Professor, talking about why a real estate contract can be canceled by an attorney: "You've heard of buyer's remorse... some of you are married."

Overheard by JS

The truth behind Craig v. Boren

Prof: And why would the state want to allow 18 year old women to buy beer, but not allow men to buy beer until they were 21?

2L: So girls would actually buy beer for once?

Overheard by JHC

bathroom definitions

In the bathroom...

3L #1 in a stall: I've been peeing a lot lately. I guess it's all the fluids.

3L #2 in next stall: It must be the tea, tea is a diuretic

3L#1: No, "diuretic" means it makes you poop, but I've only been peeing.

3L#2: No, "diaretic" means it makes you pee, that's why you're peeing, from drinking the tea.

overheard by: bitch you're peeing because it's a liquid

She was thanking him for last night

In the midst of Student #1 answering questions about a Property case, student #1's cell phone rings in class:

Student #1: Sorry, it was my mom.
Student #2: Oh, was it for me?

Overheard by LH

NOTICE!

Hi everybody. As you've probably noticed, Overheard was on virtual hiatus for quite some time. I've graduated and my third year didn't give me enough awesome class time to eavesdrop.

However, I've come to the conclusion that Overheard is going to stay open even though most of my original posters are no longer in school to lurk in corners overhearing your greatness. I've got quite a few contributions from readers to start with this week. The people who have posting privileges can continue to post, but otherwise, I am going to be posting the contributions every SUNDAY EVENING. Please use overheardinlawschool@gmail.com to submit your contributions.
If you want to be a permanent poster, write me a paragraph about why you think you're funny.

Love,
LiserDoesLaw (a.k.a. Overheard In Law School's admin)

cruel and unusual?

Law School Grad waiting for bar results: My dog needs to get three shots around the same time bar results come out. So if it goes badly, i guess i can ask the vet to put me down...

zap!

Crim Pro Prof: What is your biggest fear when a cop pulls you over?
3L: Getting tased...

at least he isn't rush limbaugh

Labor Law Prof: I should stop, i'm like the Ann Coulter of the left.
3L (via im): Yeah, but he looks more like Bill O'Reilly...

Two Years Ago "Three L" Meant Ass Hole.

3L #1: I just realized, "two L" is really close to "tool," and "three L" is really close to "thrill."

3L #2: What are one L's?

3L #1: Who cares.

3L #2: Exactly.

Continuing The Theme

County Prosecutor to intern: One thing you won't find in last year's criminal code is that bestiality is now a crime in this state...much to the disappointment of some of my rural police officers.

i think your goat is sexy...

Law School Graduate talking to another Grad and 3L
"A law against bestiality is not what prevents people from fucking goats"

Because Of This Job, Only A Thick One Fits

Attorney 1: After we finish that, I can give you the [name of case] file. It's a thick one.

Intern: I could use a thick one. Wait, that sounded really bad.

Attorney 2: I did not just hear that.

Overheard by Ken.

BarBri Snobbery

Corporate Law Speaker (Also State legislator that works down the road in the capitol building on the same water supply): Does anyone have a glass of untainted...I mean a bottle of water?

Just sign language for "I'm not happy"

Following 20 minute class discussion about a ho beaten so severely by her pimp that he had to take her to the hospital, where he again started to beat her causing her to jump out an eighth story window to her tragic demise:

Previously silent male 1L: I think it is ridiculous that men should be held responsible for the irrational actions of any crazy woman they piss off.

Same Male 1L: The pimp wasn’t “beating” his ho; he was merely communicating his discontentment with the relationship. Perhaps a better way would have been for him to simply tell her that she had become a fat old skank and he wasn’t interested anymore.

At the beginning of class the following Monday:

Prof: Where’s Male 1L? Did the girls in class get to him over the weekend?

Overheard by SS

The only thing law students like more than other law students is a lawyer

Re: Valentine's Day

Contracts prof: The law school is fertile ground for hook-ups y'all... Once you graduate you won't have time to find someone... so you only have 2 1/2 years left!

Overheard by SL

I said, jump!

2L girl: Crap. My boss at [Big Firm] just sent me an email. He's starting a summer softball league. I'm terrible at softball.

2L guy: So? Just don't play.

2L girl: Yeah...you don't understand how the big firms work. I'm going to the batting cages.

Overheard by MM

Prerequisite taint post

Professor: There are screens in place, often other lawyers, to prevent your taint from touching the rest of the firm.

Overheard by laughing in the back row

Sometimes you have to dissent to make them want you to concur even more.

1L guy #1 shakes fist angrily.

1L guy #2: reading a Scalia opinion?

1L guy #1: No, Brennan.

1L guy #2: The problem is, Brennan's never met a rule he liked. No rules for him.

1L guy #1: Seriously. If Brennan was a chick, he'd put out on the first date.

Overheard by RB

It also leaves a giant stain on the rug

Contracts Prof: This case is so difficult to disentangle that it's the legal equivalent of an orgy.

Overheard by learned hand, a 1L.

Um, burned?

Prof: I'm so on fire today, I'd cauterize you if I shook your hand!

Overheard by Hecuba

Quick, somebody check Professor Assgrabber's criminal record!

Evidence Prof: So, would it be an excited utterance, for example, if you were on a bus and I just walked by and... just.... pinched your little buttocks?! What if I were an attractive woman? You'd probably like it!

Overheard by HH

90 degrees means I know it when I see it!

Re: discussing Constitutional protection of obscenity

Con Law prof: One of my early jobs was working for some magazines and I had to read Playgirl every month... One of the things I had to determine whether it was obscene was something called the "angle of the dangle."
Overheard by KE

Shady is legalese

Bus. Orgs. Prof: Well Miss 2L, I am going to need a better legal argument than "it seems really shady," but that's a good start.
Overheard by KKS

Get on the Pole

While talking about a law student who was featured in a Playboy video, the PR professor noted that her law school and state are now wondering whether she should be allowed to be admitted to the bar because of her behavior.

2L #1: Well, when my sister and I were arrested, our story was featured in Playboy. Does that mean that I shouldn't be allowed to take the bar?
2L #1: I mean, we weren't pictured or anything…
2L #2, jumping in: Well, some people might be more likely to hire her because she was in Playboy. I know I would.

Overheard by The LawBitches

Sometimes you have to be drunk to get in the box anyway

1L: The law could say, "if you promise to stay in your box, it's okay to be drunk."

Overheard by jgg

Hopefully those aren't the only grades left

via IM

1L #1 to 1L#2, who skipped class): I have no idea what's going on in contracts right now. The only things written on the board are "1/10" and "9/10". Fuck.

Overheard by JK

Don't tell this to the guy on the subway

Torts Prof: Fondling is not automatically a battery, fondling is a perfectly permissible activity, Have you considered that some people even like it?

Overheard by DB

Are you sure that last night is out of the statute of limitations?

Sitting in class last Thursday as the snow falls outside our window (following a week of temps in the upper 70's)

Prof: If I wanted to see white powder this time of year, I'd buy some fucking cocaine! Not that I've ever bought drugs. But if I did, the statute of limitations has long passed. Ok, let's talk about bribery!

Overheard by legal lush

What about law school tuition?

Torts professor: S&M aside... You don't go out and purchase pain and suffering.

Overheard by BH

You still buy into that attendance and participation myth?

Prof: Are you still in this class? I haven’t seen you in months.

1L: I still come to class.

Prof: Apparently not when there is a brief due.

Overheard by LegalBuffy

But did he include painkillers?

RE: Clerking for Thomas during the Open Cannabis case

Prof: I tried to get him to listen to NWA but all he wanted to listen to was Rush Limbaugh. And he wouldn't include the word 'blunt' in his opinion either.

Overheard by KE

Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake.

Prof: Sir, what is the "ultimate sex act"?

Student: Well, that's a personal call, and I really don't care what these people say.

Overheard by desertvirga

On the size of your mouth

1L girl: "Are you judging me for oral arguments?"

1L guy "I'm always judging you."

Overheard by SB

After 4 drinks, it's the place to be

Con law prof: Is this case more like Buckley and Bowsher or are we in Myers, Humprhies Executor and Wiener land… Wienerland, that sounds kind of funny.
Overheard by DSE

Except law might smell less rank

1L #1: Admitting to loving the law is like admitting to necrophelia.

1L #2: Mort main notwithstanding, I suppose.

Overheard by AT

Next time go with Glad instead of generic

CrimProf: "Babies are hard. I almost had one die on me. It was pure luck it survived."


Overheard by Citycat

After taking a final, two 3Ls debrief:

3L #1: What the hell was up with the reference to Aristotle?

3L #2: That's code for "I cordially invite you to bullshit."

Stop Trying To Bite Your Ear And Listen To Me

2L #1: I called someone retarded last night.
2L #2: I hope it wasn't a retarded kid.
2L#1: No, it was one of my friends...I don't usually call people retarded unless they're...you know...you.

Diversity is Fun!

Conflict of Law Professor: Not only is Black & White Taxicab Co. v. Red & Yellow Taxicab Co. a case demonstrating the Erie Doctrine, but it also demonstrates the ethnic rainbow.

Premature Fatherhood

Female 2L: You know how you've always said you wanted kids?
Male 2L: This has to be exactly what it's like.
Female 2L: Daddy, I'm hungry.
Male 2L: You just ate. Wait for your food to settle.
Female 2L: Dude, it's settled. I can already feel a turtle head poking out.

Whatever Helps You Make It Through Finals

2L: I accidentally dutch ovened myself.

you can fool some of the people all of the time

From oral arguments on McCain-Feingold:

Part I
Justice Souter: "So your position is that we ignore context because the voters aren't smart enough to have a context?"(Responding to attorney for the petitioner's argument that polls show most Americans don't know who the vice president is.)

Part II
Kennedy makes a plea for considering context too, but it appears to be chiefly an effort to get the words "biker bar" into the transcript.

Via Dahlia Lithwick

seppaku is painless

Prof: I would have given you this particular exam question I used last year, but I thought you might all commit hara kiri after reading it.

2L: I wouldn't kill *myself*.

maybe you can still get carded?

Wills and Trusts Prof: I have a former student who's been practicing estate planning for...well, I don't want to say how long, because I don't really want to admit how long I've been teaching. Okay, we'll say she's been in practice a very long time. And I've been teaching since I was 10.

How to write a brief

2L: I wrote more than was required
Professor: That's the kiss of death
2L: Well I wanted to address everything so you had a good feel of what I was arguing
Professor: I just hope that it doesn't burn my eyes

stop right there!

3L #1 (responding to quite possibly the most ridiculous comment made all semester long): Just stop. You're not even allowed to make that argument.

2L (under breath): It's not like telling her to stop has ever worked before.

3L #2: It's like watching Romeo and Juliet. Every time you see the end, you're hoping it'll be different. But it never is.

The Fourth Amendment According to Nino

3L #1: But if he was walking in the curtilage of his house, then he has a reasonable expectation of privacy!

3L #2: This is the ghetto, there is no curtilage, thus no reasonable expectation of privacy. Didn't you get the memo from Scalia?

hard out here for a pimp

2L guy (trying to recruit other students to a professional singles event): Are you single?
3L girl #1: What are you, a pimp or something?
2L guy: Are you looking for a pimp? Are you a prostitute?
3L girl #2: You don't want to send her out to be your prostitute. You'd wind up with nothing but a string of dead johns.

Biggest Zit EVER!

2L: I don't think pregnancy changes your life forever. You're pregnant for nine months, but that's it.
3L: It's not like a long term zit!

A different kind of traffic jam...

Gender and Law class - discussing how condoms could be banned under the Commerce Clause.
female 3L #1: How does that work with the Commerce Clause, i mean, it's not like sperm travel the interstate.
female 3L #2: we are but vessels...

That's what she said

3L #1: Michiganite? Michiganian? What do you call someone from Michigan?

3L #2: Fucking baller.

just answer the damn question!

While discussing a deposition which raised the issue of loss of consortium.

3L #1: So I asked her if her husband still showed her affection. And she said yes, he brings me flowers.
3L #2: Sadly, that's not really the relevant question.
3L #3: Seriously. The real question is "Are you getting head?"

Living Healthy Through Class Attendence

3L #1: Tell me why I bothered coming to this class?
3L #2: Because you needed to give your liver a break from all the beer you drink

you said it, not me

Student: That’s an excellent question.

Prof: You see? Normally I just offer shitty questions.

There's no such thing as a dumb question...

Prof: And why does he say this?
3L: That's an excellent question.
Prof: Because normally I ask shitty questions.

While discussing the relative roles of Circuit judges and Supreme Court justices and how Scalia and Breyer's views on being a Circuit judge changed after they were elevated to the high court:

Prof: Once you become the big pimp, you can cast off the playas.

suicide is painless

Guest lecturer: When the professor asked me to do this talk, I tried to come up with some way to keep a class of law students paying attention to an hour long lecture on employee benefits without them putting a gun to their head. I couldn't.

do lawyers have to use technology?

3L: I'm too stupid to operate the Smartboard.

Antisemite.

1L: Cardozo could write my paper, and I'd still get a B-.

Overheard by AD

The plot is serious

Discussing obscenity and Miller v. California

Student: The final prong of Miller asks whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, or scientific value.

Student: So is that why so many pornos have a plumber or a cable guy come in? So they can argue that there is an educational value? They teach valuable trade skills and THEN have sex!

Overheard by LH

not the rapey kind!

Gender prof: I don't know how you'd know by just looking at men if they're the chivalrous kind or the rapey kind.

you mean a Freedom whore

2L: I don't know what I drank last night, but my mouth tastes like a French whore today.

Please sit on the other side of the room

3L: I don't know about y'all, but I'm mad flatulent today.

Kids just aren't a priority...

Discussing what to do if the police want to talk to your kid.

Student #1: I'd probably tell them to go down and talk to the police if he didn't do it and he'll be exonerated.
Crim Pro Prof: Uhhhhhhhhh....what if it was your client?
Student #1: Well that's a different story.
Crim Pro Prof: I think i'd rather be your client than your kid.

a couple minutes later, same conversation.

Crim Pro Prof: What about you, what would you do?
Student #2: I'd call an attorney.
Crim Pro Prof: You ARE an attorney!

context, people, context!

3L: I mean, Rob Halford, the lead singer of Judas Priest, is the classic gay leatherman. And nobody noticed!

Prof (noticing another 3L who is beet red): Those are words you never expected to hear in class, huh? Classic gay leatherman.

I'm a Kennedy man, myself

3L: He's just irritating. He's like one of those people who masturbates to Scalia decisions.

inquiring minds want to know

Legislation Prof (discussing Boutilier v. INS): Is 'sex pervert' like a restraint on trade?

Non-law student 1, law student 0

academically-excited-2L: Check out what this guy says in the reading
for my Philosophy of Criminal Law seminar!

non-law-student: Why does it keep talking about actors?

2L: It doesn't mean film stars. It just means a person who acts.

non-law-student: Man, am I glad I'm not you.


Overheard by Criminellie

Math! The Final Frontier!

Bus. Org. class discussion on calculations for stock profits:

Student 1: Wait, I don't understand your calculations. How'd you get those numbers?
Bitchy student: Math.

Overheard by EN

maybe there wasn't enough lube

In Entertainment Law - after a discussion of right of publicity in pornography

LLM Student: This class is like missionary. It's great your first time, then it gets old.
2L: Nah, it's more like anal. You keep thinking "Is he done yet? This hurts."

Overheard by RRS

Those nerds would know, after all

After a long and non-fulfilling conversation regarding pornography and free speech protection...

3L: "I just went in the law review office to check if there's still a 1st Amendment. There is."

Law School kills creativity.

Guest speaker who is a prosecutor: I haven’t had an original thought since I left law school. And back then I didn’t really have them, I just made sure to footnote it.

but if he gets acquitted, he's OJ'd

Crim Pro Prof: If he lies, he gets Scooter Libby'd.

a better way

Prof: Well, far be it from me to tell the justices...Wait, no, never mind. It's not far from me. Academics are full of hubris. You can write an opinion and not look like an idiot. Don't concur with yourself. Use Roman numerals!

what, no day of rest?

Overheard at church...

2L: Were you listening to the sermon? He said due diligence! I thought I could come here and get away from it all.
3L: Nah, the priest is waaay too overeducated not to use the proper term.

What kind of evidence is THAT?

During class, via IM
2L#1: what the heck is that thing he drew on the board?
2L#2: the "specificity triangle"
2L#2: it's like the pubic triangle but not as fun

sex and the city and the family

Wills and Trusts Prof: Can you rescind an adoption? Is it possible to say, I'm just not that into you?

TV is more interesting

Crim Pro Prof: The doctor was like Doogie Howser, 11 years old or something. You don't get Greg House as a prison shrink; you get people right out of school.

Sir, please step away from that vagina.

Overheard while walking in the halls.
Female Law Student: I wouldn't touch him with someone else's vagina!

Yeah, we're close.

3L: He called me a bitch. Only my mom calls me a bitch.

I got shot in the butt-tocks

Mock voir dire
Crim prof #1: Where'd you get shot, sir?
Crim prof #2: In the butt! It's a recent thing! People shoot the victim in the butt!

Nothing to Hide

Crim Pro Prof: What if Dean X went and decided to open and check your locker?
Student: That's fine, i've never used my locker.

You would know...

Professor: (after long explanation of how to conceptualize a transaction) But that is probably not the law.

That's a new one.

Professor: What do you think, Mr. Student?

Student: I'm sorry, I wasn't uhhhhh...awake.

Professor: You weren't awake?!?! (stares in disbelief)

*Submitted by I'm Kind Of A Big Deal*

oh, the mistakes we make

International Trade Prof: "this may seem counter-intuitive, why would any country agree to something that would make it worse off? just like my 1st marriage, it happens."

Freedom of Speech

Guest Speaker: What are the rules for language in this class?
Professor: Go right ahead. You can say fuck all you want.

It's called senioritis

3L #1: I don't want to keep reading for school. I read most of the important chunk of one case, is that enough?
3L #2: I opened the damn book and I feel like I've done enough

Indeed, as they DO say

Property prof: "They're only on the land about 25 days a year and they get full possession? "WTF?" as they say!"

Overheard by SA

It didn't have to do with potatos and shamrocks?

Prof: Can you tell us about the conversion of Ireland?
3L: I dunno. Something about St. Patrick and a snake? I am not sure
what he did with the snake.

Overheard by JW

Aha! Big firms are for losers!

Tax Prof: I recently attended my old law school classmate's 60th birthday party. The Rolling Stones played. He wasn't a partner in a big law firm, he went into Private Equity. This has just been the most valuable learning experience you will have in my course.

Overheard by JS

Another reason why law school is like junior high school...

1L rep: Nominations will be accepted for Law School prom, but only serious ones please...

Gay 1L: Fuck that... I'm running for Queen Bitch!

Overheard by DE

I guess he disagrees.

1L #1: Civ Pro is exciting!
1L #2: I'm completely limp right now.

Overheard by MM

Hey, I know that guy!

Evidence professor: "You really have no idea how stupid criminal defendants are. Imagine the stupidest person you went to high school with. Now, imagine a person that your stupid high school buddy would consider stupid. That’s your criminal defendant."

Overheard by KW

can you demonstrate?

2L: So what do you do when your potential client is not being straight with you?

Prof: If you can't get at them frontally, get at them sideways.

Overheard by Bootstraps

it's the little things in life

2L: I should have gone to University of Wisconsin. Then I'd never have to take the bar. And I could eat brats with sauerkraut all the time!

Appropriateness of response does not earn a discount.

3L #1: How much is BarBri going to cost me?
3L #2: What state's bar are you going to take?
3L #1: *shrug*
3L #2: Well, it'll between $2000-$3000, depending on state.
3L #1: (maniacal laughter)

it was so long ago

2Ls are comparing photos on their student IDs.

2L guy: 2L girl, you look nice in your picture. Like you're really happy.
2L girl: I know. I was happy. They took the picture before we started law school.

All Tax Guys Have Asperger's.

Trusts Professor: Do you know anything about tax rules?
2L: Well, I took tax last semester but I wouldn't say I know anything about it.

What'd you say Shaq?

Talking about Hearsay exceptions
Evidence Prof: When Lebron James makes a three at the end of a game is it a statement? He's not actually saying anything. Actually, often when i go to games there is a woman with downs syndrome who sits behind me. She's a lovely woman, she thinks the players are talking to her.

Legislation Prof: What is it more than anything else that keeps Justice O'Connor up at night? Bright line rules. They make her break out in cold sweats.

Pearl Necklace Anyone?

Female 2L #1: Can somebody wake me up in half an hour?
Female 2L #2: If I'm still here. If not, I'll call your cell phone.
Male 2L: I'll just stand over you masturbating.
Female 2L #2: You'll wake up with new jewelry!

poker faces, people!

Prof (after asking a long and complicated question: Mr 2L, you smirked, so you know I'm going to call on you.

a new breed

3L: You know, I've never encountered gunners on Blackboard before. This is new...

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Outside the law school, a woman is talking to a three-year-old girl: Well, you need to talk to a lawyer when you want to get married.
Overheard by DK

Can I get your undergrad friend's number?

Prof: Well, all my friends have said that if you want to be in law school and then accepted by the bar... don't EVER have more than an ounce of marijuana on you. I mean, having a quarter bag and giving it out to your friends is something you do in undergrad...

Overheard by RRS

must. keep. head. down.

Prof (after failing to get two students to answer a question): Mr. 2L, what do you think?
2L: I made too much eye contact, didn't I?

but I like big words!

Legislation Prof: This is how you tell that the author of the textbook is a professor at Yale. He starts to use words like "meta" and "exogenous". You know that when you hear the word meta, the plane has stopped in New Haven.

One night makes a hard man humble

Prof: Can he (1L #1) sell himself to me?
1L #2: Well, yeah, in the right marketplace.
Prof: Where's that marketplace?
1L #2: Maybe Bangkok?

Overheard by ANH

Congratulations on making law review

2L: We should meet in front of the journal offices.
1L: Where are the journal offices?
3L: Just follow the sound of souls dying.

Overheard by DK

God no.

Professor: Are any of you second semester 3Ls still reading footnotes?

Overheard by JW

This is where Black's comes in handy

1L: "So we were doing this case where the prosecutrix got in to trouble and the prof asked what we thought of it. Well, I said I did agree with the punishment. He looked shocked and asked why, so I said that she's a prostitute dominatrix, so what did she expect. He then gave us a lesson on the meaning of prosecutrix."

Overheard by SE

The fine nuances of tort law

Torts prof: "Death is oftentimes a lot cheaper than life. So I guess if you run someone over and you think they're going to be a quadriplegic, back up and run them over a few more times."

Overheard by Nova

step away from the knickknacks

Prof: Martha Stewart gets a little bit scary. I think that once you have more than one can of gold spray paint in the cabinet, it's time to reconsider. If your fingers start to itch when you see pinecones, it's time to have an intervention.

Honey, I'm Going to Sears to pick up an IUD...

Evidence Prof: No man can answer this question, what word would you use to describe the placement of an IUD device in a womans body? Insert?
Female 2L: Implanted
Evidence Prof: Implanted, okay. I had one student who was talking about when the IUD was "installed" and another one said that the IUD was "deployed". Do you think it was a man or a woman who wrote these? Installed, i gotta go down to Sears and get this IUD installed...

ATTENTION

Blogger made me switch to a new, google compatible interface. So if you are a poster and cannot see yourself on the poster list please e-mail me. Thank you. Also, I am taking volunteers for new posters to replace all the 3L's who graduate.

Thanks,
LiserDoesLaw

It's also scary when they fall asleep at the wheel

Re: Bush v. Gore

Con Law Prof: "Old people, when they vote, it's a scary thing."

Overheard by Without Reason

Never a truer word spoken

1L: there is no remedy for douchebaggery.
Overheard by Ineffective Assistance

People say 'yes' on the first date?

Commercial law prof: "OK, so here are the answers to the problem set, No. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes......hm, sounds like a first date."
Overheard by MDS

He spoke in tongues!

Torts Prof: "You took Contracts. Tell me, what is the purpose of Contract Law?"

1L: Well, I had [Prof. X] for Contracts, so I don't really know..."

Overheard by hick narcissus

Oh, to be a 2L

2L: "i hate how [the professor] keeps assuming i did the reading."
Overheard by JW

My love for you is ticking clock

Lead gunner's comment in Torts while discussing cyber harassment & assault: "Well, it's not assault if you love her."

Overheard by Jess

Yes, blame the trailer.

Discussing a case regarding a 6-year-old child who was sexually perped on twice in a trailer park by adult men while a friend of the child's mother watched.

Evidence Prof: "You know, if this case teaches me one thing it is to not raise my kids in a trailer park. That seems like that may be a bad place to raise children."

Overheard by a LawBitch

We make new countries here at law school

Property Professor: "The wife appears to speak and read English. So why does she write her
letter in Hungarian?"

1L: "Oh, because she and her husband were from Hungaria!"

Overheard by anonymous

How to cure gender discrimination

Male 3L: I demand that the government provide me a uterus. Immediately.

first, the paternity test

3L: So is it possible that a really unscrupulous plaintiff's lawyer would say a couple was married and claim loss of consortium even if they weren't.

Pretrial Practice Prof: Well, it's possible. But at some point during discovery, you're likely to interview or depose the wife. If two people come in wearing wedding rings and say they're married, you're likely to believe them. If you have doubts, you can always ask for a copy of the marriage certificate.

3L: Oh, okay.

PPP: Well, unless you're in litigation with Anna Nicole Smith. Then get everything in writing.

Prof 1, 2L 0

A hypo involving charging a sexually molested 14 year old for murdering his captor:

2L: I don't know, maybe there is political fallout if we don't charge the kid, is it an election year?
Crim Pro Prof: God, you're such a tool!

Prosecutors are super important.

Crim Pro Prof: Nobody wins felony possession cases. If you're a felon, and you're in possession of a weapon, you lose. The prosecutor wins every time. My dog, who is eleven and has dementia, could win these cases. If only she could figure out how to open the door and get the felon on the stand, I'm telling you she could win. And she can't see.

I'd do anything for love

1L girl: So you're not seeing [girlfriend] anymore? What happened?
2L guy: Well, I kind of dicked her over.
1L girl: Of course you dicked her over. You're going to be a lawyer. That's what we do.

Legal Writing: Destroyer of Dreams

As the first paper assignments are being handed back with professor’s comments written on them:

3L #1: I got a ‘Good’
3L #2: I got a ‘Drop out of law school’

a little crack never hurt anyone....

Crim Pro class talking about search warrants.

2L: well, if there was crack cocaine they couldn't just go looking for that...
Prof: Well, let's put the crack cocaine aside - you can keep your crack cocaine for now....crackhead.

one way or another

Discussing loss of consortium claims in the context of wrongful termination.

3L: Wait, how can you get loss of consortium for the spouse when the employee's not injured, just out of a job?
2L: Maybe emotional distress leads to ED...which leads to loss of consortium?
3L: ED causing ED. I like it.
2L: Better than ED causing VD.

don't try this in civ pro, kids

The scene: dinner, where people are relating goofy stories about their childhood.

Woman: When I was in elementary school, I brought my father's bong to school for show and tell. It was glass, and pretty, and had butterflies swirling all around it. I thought it was beautiful, so I brought it in and said I didn't know what it was. I was very confused when they sent me to the office and called my parents to come fetch it and me.

3L: Wait, the school administration let your father take his bong back?

Man: Sure, they're perfectly legal for smoking tobacco. You're a law student and you don't know this?

Announcing the iStrudel

2L #1: i think apple should buy volkswagen. they have the same clientele.
2L#2: good call.
2L#1: but what should their name be? how about strudel? it combines germany and apples!

Vote Early, Vote Often, and Become a Judge

Prof: "Just so you know, being a good judge has nothing to do with being a good lawyer...especially in Cook County"

Exploding Toasters, Pharmaceuticals and Bears - Oh My!

3L #1: Is Products Liability a good class?
3L #2: Oh yeah. It's gory like Torts. People are always getting mauled by bears and stuff.
3L #1: Um?
3L #2: Wait. Probably not, since bears aren't products. ...but mechanical bears are.

Overheard by Friend of Dorothy

Forward Thinking

3L: "I wonder if the suicide rate goes up during the Bar Exam period?"

what if you are singing to the toilet?

Criminal Procedure class discussing whether there is an expectation of privacy in a bathroom stall.

2L #1: well, you expect people can see your feet - and that some sounds might be heard...
Prof: What if there are two sets of legs in there? What should the officer do?
2L #2: Knock and annouce?

How to gather fingerprints, take 1

Evidence prof: Sometimes when you drown, the skin sloughs off and then you get a floater!

freedom fries, anyone?

3L #1 (coming back from the snack bar): Anyone want some pita chips and hummus?
3L #2: No thanks.
3L #3: No, I do not want any of your Islamofacist food.

is kevorkian out yet?

law student #1: Oh, that's sad, they euthanized Barbaro this morning.
law student #2: isnt it strange that when they euthanize animals it's sad, but when they do it to people everyone gets pissed off?

Is a fetus unfair prejudice?

2L: well, you might have things on the table from other cases...
Evidence Prof: Yeah, you don't want them to show a picture with items from other cases, like hand grenades and dead babies....

Lesson Learned?

Evidence Prof: I cut my finger working in my woodshop the other day on my jointer, you can bet I won’t do that again.
Student: But you still use your jointer.
Evidence Prof: Yeah, but it scares me, there’s still blood on the floor.

I've Got Nothing to Hide...Except.....

Crim Pro Prof: If you have nothing to hide do you just let the police go through your house?
Student #1: if you've got nothing to hide then who cares. Leave the windows wide open, save money on air conditioning.
Student #2: You can still have things to hide that aren't illegal.

An old quote but a good one

3L (1L at the time): If there was an earthquake, and your house fell into the crack, would you adversely possess everything in that crack?

Good to know for the bar

3L: There are no wombats in torts.

Things Heard But Not Seen

3L #1: The Professor is blind. And there are 14 people in the class.
3L #2: The class is held in a regular lecture hall for a 100 people or so, but all of us sit in the back of the class
3L #3: Why do you all sit in the back? Are you afraid that he is going to see you?

why doesn't my tuition cover dry erase markers?

3L: Would you mind writing that Latin expression on the board?

Prof: Let me see if there's a marker. No, no markers. Hrm. I could write it in Chap Stick...

Unless, Of Course, He's Paid For It

Crim Pro Prof: Rehnquist doesn't mind his garbage being searched, but he doesn't want his bag being squeezed when he travels.

Was THAT What You Call A Pep Talk?

Professor: When you take the Bar Exam, you're going to leave feeling like you missed half the questions. And guess what? You probably did.

just a little, tiny bit

Discussing Mers v. Dispatch Printing:

Employment Prof: So tell us about Mers. What happened to him?

2L: He was working as a traveling representative for Dispatch. And then he got into a little bit of legal trouble: rape, kidnapping, and gross sexual imposition.

Prof: Right. Just a little bit.

really, I'm far too weak to execute another convict

Legislation prof explaining the historical context of the rule of lenity: Most crimes used to be capital offenses. The rule of lenity was basically an out. Well, we weren't as specific as we should have been, so we won't hang you. It upsets us when we drink our port at night.

Make sure you wash the tails

2L: Take this class instead, I promise it's going to be more fun.
3L: Lots of things sound more fun than the class I'm in right now; this is of course including bath time in the monkey house at the zoo.

O

3L female: That girl smiles like a donut.

The Secret Lives of Our Parents

Gay 3L: And somewhere over there is that new bath house; it apparently has the largest sauna in the world.
Straight Male 3L: The largest Sauna? or the largest sauna full of gay men?
Gay 3L: Both.
Straight Female 3L: Oh yea. I think my dad inspected their plumbing................Oh, in a nonsexual way!!!!

genuflect!

Wills and Trusts Prof: One of the more famous cases involves brother and sister fighting over a family Bible. Years of litigation.

3L: How very Christian of them.

And who says we're not considerate?

2L female #1: I hate wearing this tank top because I feel like the girls might be popping out at any time.
3L female #1: Yeah, that's how I feel in mine, too... It's like 'Hey boobs, go back where you belong!'

2L female #2 looks up from her reading, distracted.

2L female #2: Boobs?
3L female #2: Guys, quit it with the boob talk, lesbian at the table trying to read. Have some consideration!

Nope, saw her on Jerry Springer

Tort Professor: Who in here has children?
Female 1L Raises hand
Professor: Okay. Imagine that your daughter reaches 15 and becomes incredibly sexually charged and curious and begins experimenting.
Female 1L: Oh, you knew her?

Overheard by SB

Your zodiac sign leads you astray

3L on Winter Break: "...actually, I'm in my third year of law schoolat [name of school]."

3L's old friend from high school: "Really? That's interesting; I've often considered law school for myself... because I'm a Sagitarius."

Overheard by TI

Police indiscretion

Law student (who is also a Police Officer): When I am dealing with parolees I tell them "rectify the situation or I will violate you."

Overheard by Inert Child

Anybody have a tampon? Anybody?

Re: A class entitled "Sex, Gender, and the Law," with a severely disproportionate number of females enrolled.

3L#1: I'm afraid this class is going to be too touchy-feely.
3L#2: I love touchy-feely! I'm going to hug everybody before each class and give them a chocolate covered Midol!

is SCOTUS really like law school?

The skeletons in Rehnquist's closet: prescription drug addiction.

So much for equality.

Crim Pro Prof: But if we're all treated unfairly equally...well, it sucks.

sign me up for the Teamsters!

Employment Law Prof: Historically, trade unions have been segregated by ethnic groups, some of which is sort of funny if you have a weird sense of humor. Concrete and stone masons are Italian, carpenters are Jewish.

Law School Teaches Life Skills

Professor: In this class, I'm going to teach you a skill that will positively benefit you for the rest of your professional lives…
3L: Falling asleep with your eyes open?

Scene- Women's lawyer association even with Women's law student group.
Female Attorney #1 (discussing events the Association hosts): The Judicial Luncheon is amazing. It's almost as if Judges are human.

Female Attorney #2 (discussing maternity leave): You can't go asking your boss what to do. They'll say "Drop the baby and get back on the blackberry!"
It's just a guy mentality: "What'll you need? one day? two?"


Overheard by Jaime

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing

Male 2L: We can do the externship in D.C. for the Fall, and then do the semester abroad in London for the Spring together. And we can do it all the time since we'll be in a different country so it won't count.

Female 2L: That's right, it doesn't. Bring your condoms.

Male 2L: If I still have those condoms in a year, it would be really sad.

Female 2L: Umm, yeah...bring the condoms.

Next Up: Spin The Bottle In The Library Of Congress

2L: Two days before my reunion I realized I would be seeing all these people that have been married for 8 years or have 3 kids or both, and I'm in the law school library playing the penis game . . . I can't believe I've actually gotten less mature since high school.