Those chicks sure do move fast on the L-Word

1L: Why is the clock moving so slow?
1L lesbian: Cause god has a penis.

Overheard by Emma

West-Crack and LexisMeth-is

Regarding the shameless self-promotion of Lexis and Westlaw at 1L orientation.

1L#1: It's like they're taking their marketing cues from street hustlers.

1L#2: Yeah, "Psssst--hey, kid, wanna buy a statute?"

1L#1: "C'mon, first ten hits are free."


Overheard by JB3

Great 2nd Amendment argument

2L: I was thinking that maybe I should be saving my money for a new computer instead of buying more guns; but I figure there’s no one trying to make it illegal to buy a computer so I’ll just buy guns for now.

Overheard by DSE

Is it Strickland yet?

Attorney: "Your honor, I wasn't aware my client had any priors."

Judge: "Really. You represented him on that case."

Overheard by JLE

Priapism is a serious condition

Torts Professor: Party A agrees to have 'intimate relations' with party B for $20. Party B knowingly gives party A a counterfeit $20 bill. Is there harm? I mean, Party A is stiffed.

Overheard by DJB

Another great reason to spend $50K

Torts Prof: "I didn't take notes in law school. Though in some classes, I got so bored, that I figured that law school would provide me with the perfect opportunity to learn how to write with my left hand. So I did take some notes, but they were technically penmanship practice."

Overheard by KG

He meant point the finger of blame at her, clearly

Re: Bonkowski v. Arlan's Department Store

Torts Prof: Defendants may, in this case, possibly be held liable for a tort if "one holds her down while the other one fingers her."

Overheard by DF

Invest in some really big notebooks

Evidence Prof: Now the defendants have heard that their medication is causing praipism. That’s like in the Viagra and cialis commercials when they say, “If you’ve had an erection for more than four hours…” This is a serious condition. Any man knows how hard it would be to try to pee standing on your head.

Overheard by JV

You found a use for it after all!

2L, yelling: I am going to beat you to death with my UCC!

Overheard by LH

It's similar to the douchebag test

Contracts Professor: "Bastardy proceedings are interesting because you don't actually get to prove someone is a bastard."

Overheard by mn

but he did it for you?

1L #1: but a hammer and nails is not intrinsically dangerous

1L #2: i don't know, jesus was killed with a hammer and nails.

Overheard by EW

Admit it, you know this guy

Professor: "Now I remember back when I was in law school, and even in undergrad - even though that was a long time ago, that if someone asked me how much time I spent on something – I'd lie! I'd tell them I didn’t spend any time on it, or just 15 minutes, but in reality I spent three hours. Why? Because that’s the competition! I want them to only spend 15 minutes. So don’t trust other people I guess is what I’m trying to tell you. Think about it! If I spend 3 hours working on something and they spend 15 minutes, guess who lives in the bigger house!"

Overheard by LegalBuffy

On the count of three, everybody vomit

Prof walks in, shows the bloodstains on his shirt from his neck: "Hold on while I get a towel but don't worry, I'm not canceling class."

Overheard by MJG

yes please!

Criminal Law prof: "You can still consent to have a good wrestle with your buddy on the floor … assuming guys still do that."

Overheard by ML

Character and fitness is overrated

The Dean: "Don't let bar nights bar you from the bar."

Overheard by I could be sleeping...

thank you, I'm here all week

Torts professor: "Sex for money is prostitution… so the only harm is if you got stiffed."

Overheard by I could be sleeping....

Maybe not so bad after all

Civ Pro Prof: "You know, extortion has such a negative connotation."

Overheard by without reason

But we paid $50K for it!

Prof: How many of you think this year [3L] is totally unnecessary?

*Everyone raises their hand*

Prof: IT IS!!

Overheard by Melanie

R. Kelly gives two thumbs up

Associate Dean: "Yes, urination is always a treat."

Overheard by AK

processed

Torts Professor on first day of class: "Welcome to Torts R Us, an introduction suing everyone for just about everything. Learning to sue the bastards should be fun!"

Overheard by Newly Minted 1L

Rules are for wusses.

Torts prof: "Rules are a starting point... and often an annoying impediment."

Overheard by Sara

Figures.

From a firm sponsored mini-golf outing:
Summer Associate #1(shouting from hole 4 to hole 5): Summer Associate #2, are you guys winning?
Summer Associate #2 (shouting back): I don't know, we're cheating.

Overheard by KW

Only $10 on iTunes

Crim Professor: Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina! Are you over it yet?
(pause)
Crim Professor: Oh shit, this class is recorded for iLecture.

Overheard by Frangipani

Drug Test This

Business Crimes Prof: "Don’t take notes on this… But if I was in Michael Vick's situation, I’d be getting stoned regularly too."

Overheard by anonymous

Priorities

1L #1, before the property final: "My four-year-old stepdaughter helped me study. We had a nice talk about abandoned, lost and mislaid property, and about interests in the land of others. A few hours later she asked whether shipwrecks could have appurtenant easements."

1L #2: "And how did you answer?"

1L #1: "I told her I didn't know, after several minutes of over-thinking the problem. I think, at that moment, I would have rather explained how babies were made or why her mommy and her daddy can't live together."

Overheard by SR

E.T. has rights too

1L: I don't care if she thought they were aliens, she's still intending to harm an alien.

Overheard by PM

Ye of little faith

2L #1, during a Professional Responsibility study session: "I give myself five years before I'm
disbarred."

2L #2: "Really? You think it will take that long?"

Overheard by EW

I can be bought!

Contracts Prof: Your employer wants to change your employment from only firing for cause to employment at will. Would you agree to that?

1L: I would never do that.

Contracts Prof: But what if they promised to double your salary?

1L: I would totally do that.

Overheard by SR

Kids on Drugs

Crim Law Prof: Marijuana is a gateway drug!? Listen, breast milk is the real gateway drug, okay?

Overheard by CD

Well, there was a handshake...

Contracts Prof: "Contracts aren't masturbation; two people are required for a valid contract."

Overheard by AM

Candy is Dandy...

Eccentric Torts professor to frightened 1L class, while on a tangent about rape:

Eccentric Torts professor: "Because it's so utterly dull to go through the game of romance, am I right guys? All men know that candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

Overheard by VB.

and liquor is quicker!

Prof: You can never unilaterally f#ck your spouse....oh wait, somehow I have three children running around so maybe it is possible.

Overheard by AM

Useless takes on a whole new meaning.

Career Planning Counselor: Well sometimes it helps me to imagine the worst case scenario. So what's the worst case scenario?

3L Looking for Job Advice: Not getting a job when I graduate in two months so I'm unable to meet my living expenses or pay back student loans, and have to live in a cardboard box in Central Park.

Career Planning Counselor: Yes, but at least you'll have your health.

3L: --Dumbfounded Silence--


Overheard by KDB

Best Little Whorehouse in the Country!

Con Law Prof: Would it surprise you to find out that the government was running a whorehouse?

1L: You mean other than Congress?

Overheard by LM

That's a costly return

Professor, talking about why a real estate contract can be canceled by an attorney: "You've heard of buyer's remorse... some of you are married."

Overheard by JS

The truth behind Craig v. Boren

Prof: And why would the state want to allow 18 year old women to buy beer, but not allow men to buy beer until they were 21?

2L: So girls would actually buy beer for once?

Overheard by JHC

bathroom definitions

In the bathroom...

3L #1 in a stall: I've been peeing a lot lately. I guess it's all the fluids.

3L #2 in next stall: It must be the tea, tea is a diuretic

3L#1: No, "diuretic" means it makes you poop, but I've only been peeing.

3L#2: No, "diaretic" means it makes you pee, that's why you're peeing, from drinking the tea.

overheard by: bitch you're peeing because it's a liquid

She was thanking him for last night

In the midst of Student #1 answering questions about a Property case, student #1's cell phone rings in class:

Student #1: Sorry, it was my mom.
Student #2: Oh, was it for me?

Overheard by LH

NOTICE!

Hi everybody. As you've probably noticed, Overheard was on virtual hiatus for quite some time. I've graduated and my third year didn't give me enough awesome class time to eavesdrop.

However, I've come to the conclusion that Overheard is going to stay open even though most of my original posters are no longer in school to lurk in corners overhearing your greatness. I've got quite a few contributions from readers to start with this week. The people who have posting privileges can continue to post, but otherwise, I am going to be posting the contributions every SUNDAY EVENING. Please use overheardinlawschool@gmail.com to submit your contributions.
If you want to be a permanent poster, write me a paragraph about why you think you're funny.

Love,
LiserDoesLaw (a.k.a. Overheard In Law School's admin)

cruel and unusual?

Law School Grad waiting for bar results: My dog needs to get three shots around the same time bar results come out. So if it goes badly, i guess i can ask the vet to put me down...

zap!

Crim Pro Prof: What is your biggest fear when a cop pulls you over?
3L: Getting tased...

at least he isn't rush limbaugh

Labor Law Prof: I should stop, i'm like the Ann Coulter of the left.
3L (via im): Yeah, but he looks more like Bill O'Reilly...

Two Years Ago "Three L" Meant Ass Hole.

3L #1: I just realized, "two L" is really close to "tool," and "three L" is really close to "thrill."

3L #2: What are one L's?

3L #1: Who cares.

3L #2: Exactly.

Continuing The Theme

County Prosecutor to intern: One thing you won't find in last year's criminal code is that bestiality is now a crime in this state...much to the disappointment of some of my rural police officers.

i think your goat is sexy...

Law School Graduate talking to another Grad and 3L
"A law against bestiality is not what prevents people from fucking goats"

Because Of This Job, Only A Thick One Fits

Attorney 1: After we finish that, I can give you the [name of case] file. It's a thick one.

Intern: I could use a thick one. Wait, that sounded really bad.

Attorney 2: I did not just hear that.

Overheard by Ken.

BarBri Snobbery

Corporate Law Speaker (Also State legislator that works down the road in the capitol building on the same water supply): Does anyone have a glass of untainted...I mean a bottle of water?

Just sign language for "I'm not happy"

Following 20 minute class discussion about a ho beaten so severely by her pimp that he had to take her to the hospital, where he again started to beat her causing her to jump out an eighth story window to her tragic demise:

Previously silent male 1L: I think it is ridiculous that men should be held responsible for the irrational actions of any crazy woman they piss off.

Same Male 1L: The pimp wasn’t “beating” his ho; he was merely communicating his discontentment with the relationship. Perhaps a better way would have been for him to simply tell her that she had become a fat old skank and he wasn’t interested anymore.

At the beginning of class the following Monday:

Prof: Where’s Male 1L? Did the girls in class get to him over the weekend?

Overheard by SS

The only thing law students like more than other law students is a lawyer

Re: Valentine's Day

Contracts prof: The law school is fertile ground for hook-ups y'all... Once you graduate you won't have time to find someone... so you only have 2 1/2 years left!

Overheard by SL

I said, jump!

2L girl: Crap. My boss at [Big Firm] just sent me an email. He's starting a summer softball league. I'm terrible at softball.

2L guy: So? Just don't play.

2L girl: Yeah...you don't understand how the big firms work. I'm going to the batting cages.

Overheard by MM

Prerequisite taint post

Professor: There are screens in place, often other lawyers, to prevent your taint from touching the rest of the firm.

Overheard by laughing in the back row

Sometimes you have to dissent to make them want you to concur even more.

1L guy #1 shakes fist angrily.

1L guy #2: reading a Scalia opinion?

1L guy #1: No, Brennan.

1L guy #2: The problem is, Brennan's never met a rule he liked. No rules for him.

1L guy #1: Seriously. If Brennan was a chick, he'd put out on the first date.

Overheard by RB

It also leaves a giant stain on the rug

Contracts Prof: This case is so difficult to disentangle that it's the legal equivalent of an orgy.

Overheard by learned hand, a 1L.

Um, burned?

Prof: I'm so on fire today, I'd cauterize you if I shook your hand!

Overheard by Hecuba

Quick, somebody check Professor Assgrabber's criminal record!

Evidence Prof: So, would it be an excited utterance, for example, if you were on a bus and I just walked by and... just.... pinched your little buttocks?! What if I were an attractive woman? You'd probably like it!

Overheard by HH

90 degrees means I know it when I see it!

Re: discussing Constitutional protection of obscenity

Con Law prof: One of my early jobs was working for some magazines and I had to read Playgirl every month... One of the things I had to determine whether it was obscene was something called the "angle of the dangle."
Overheard by KE

Shady is legalese

Bus. Orgs. Prof: Well Miss 2L, I am going to need a better legal argument than "it seems really shady," but that's a good start.
Overheard by KKS

Get on the Pole

While talking about a law student who was featured in a Playboy video, the PR professor noted that her law school and state are now wondering whether she should be allowed to be admitted to the bar because of her behavior.

2L #1: Well, when my sister and I were arrested, our story was featured in Playboy. Does that mean that I shouldn't be allowed to take the bar?
2L #1: I mean, we weren't pictured or anything…
2L #2, jumping in: Well, some people might be more likely to hire her because she was in Playboy. I know I would.

Overheard by The LawBitches

Sometimes you have to be drunk to get in the box anyway

1L: The law could say, "if you promise to stay in your box, it's okay to be drunk."

Overheard by jgg

Hopefully those aren't the only grades left

via IM

1L #1 to 1L#2, who skipped class): I have no idea what's going on in contracts right now. The only things written on the board are "1/10" and "9/10". Fuck.

Overheard by JK

Don't tell this to the guy on the subway

Torts Prof: Fondling is not automatically a battery, fondling is a perfectly permissible activity, Have you considered that some people even like it?

Overheard by DB

Are you sure that last night is out of the statute of limitations?

Sitting in class last Thursday as the snow falls outside our window (following a week of temps in the upper 70's)

Prof: If I wanted to see white powder this time of year, I'd buy some fucking cocaine! Not that I've ever bought drugs. But if I did, the statute of limitations has long passed. Ok, let's talk about bribery!

Overheard by legal lush

What about law school tuition?

Torts professor: S&M aside... You don't go out and purchase pain and suffering.

Overheard by BH

You still buy into that attendance and participation myth?

Prof: Are you still in this class? I haven’t seen you in months.

1L: I still come to class.

Prof: Apparently not when there is a brief due.

Overheard by LegalBuffy

But did he include painkillers?

RE: Clerking for Thomas during the Open Cannabis case

Prof: I tried to get him to listen to NWA but all he wanted to listen to was Rush Limbaugh. And he wouldn't include the word 'blunt' in his opinion either.

Overheard by KE

Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake.

Prof: Sir, what is the "ultimate sex act"?

Student: Well, that's a personal call, and I really don't care what these people say.

Overheard by desertvirga

On the size of your mouth

1L girl: "Are you judging me for oral arguments?"

1L guy "I'm always judging you."

Overheard by SB

After 4 drinks, it's the place to be

Con law prof: Is this case more like Buckley and Bowsher or are we in Myers, Humprhies Executor and Wiener land… Wienerland, that sounds kind of funny.
Overheard by DSE

Except law might smell less rank

1L #1: Admitting to loving the law is like admitting to necrophelia.

1L #2: Mort main notwithstanding, I suppose.

Overheard by AT

Next time go with Glad instead of generic

CrimProf: "Babies are hard. I almost had one die on me. It was pure luck it survived."


Overheard by Citycat

After taking a final, two 3Ls debrief:

3L #1: What the hell was up with the reference to Aristotle?

3L #2: That's code for "I cordially invite you to bullshit."

Stop Trying To Bite Your Ear And Listen To Me

2L #1: I called someone retarded last night.
2L #2: I hope it wasn't a retarded kid.
2L#1: No, it was one of my friends...I don't usually call people retarded unless they're...you know...you.

Diversity is Fun!

Conflict of Law Professor: Not only is Black & White Taxicab Co. v. Red & Yellow Taxicab Co. a case demonstrating the Erie Doctrine, but it also demonstrates the ethnic rainbow.

Premature Fatherhood

Female 2L: You know how you've always said you wanted kids?
Male 2L: This has to be exactly what it's like.
Female 2L: Daddy, I'm hungry.
Male 2L: You just ate. Wait for your food to settle.
Female 2L: Dude, it's settled. I can already feel a turtle head poking out.

Whatever Helps You Make It Through Finals

2L: I accidentally dutch ovened myself.

you can fool some of the people all of the time

From oral arguments on McCain-Feingold:

Part I
Justice Souter: "So your position is that we ignore context because the voters aren't smart enough to have a context?"(Responding to attorney for the petitioner's argument that polls show most Americans don't know who the vice president is.)

Part II
Kennedy makes a plea for considering context too, but it appears to be chiefly an effort to get the words "biker bar" into the transcript.

Via Dahlia Lithwick

seppaku is painless

Prof: I would have given you this particular exam question I used last year, but I thought you might all commit hara kiri after reading it.

2L: I wouldn't kill *myself*.

maybe you can still get carded?

Wills and Trusts Prof: I have a former student who's been practicing estate planning for...well, I don't want to say how long, because I don't really want to admit how long I've been teaching. Okay, we'll say she's been in practice a very long time. And I've been teaching since I was 10.

How to write a brief

2L: I wrote more than was required
Professor: That's the kiss of death
2L: Well I wanted to address everything so you had a good feel of what I was arguing
Professor: I just hope that it doesn't burn my eyes

stop right there!

3L #1 (responding to quite possibly the most ridiculous comment made all semester long): Just stop. You're not even allowed to make that argument.

2L (under breath): It's not like telling her to stop has ever worked before.

3L #2: It's like watching Romeo and Juliet. Every time you see the end, you're hoping it'll be different. But it never is.

The Fourth Amendment According to Nino

3L #1: But if he was walking in the curtilage of his house, then he has a reasonable expectation of privacy!

3L #2: This is the ghetto, there is no curtilage, thus no reasonable expectation of privacy. Didn't you get the memo from Scalia?

hard out here for a pimp

2L guy (trying to recruit other students to a professional singles event): Are you single?
3L girl #1: What are you, a pimp or something?
2L guy: Are you looking for a pimp? Are you a prostitute?
3L girl #2: You don't want to send her out to be your prostitute. You'd wind up with nothing but a string of dead johns.

Biggest Zit EVER!

2L: I don't think pregnancy changes your life forever. You're pregnant for nine months, but that's it.
3L: It's not like a long term zit!

A different kind of traffic jam...

Gender and Law class - discussing how condoms could be banned under the Commerce Clause.
female 3L #1: How does that work with the Commerce Clause, i mean, it's not like sperm travel the interstate.
female 3L #2: we are but vessels...

That's what she said

3L #1: Michiganite? Michiganian? What do you call someone from Michigan?

3L #2: Fucking baller.

just answer the damn question!

While discussing a deposition which raised the issue of loss of consortium.

3L #1: So I asked her if her husband still showed her affection. And she said yes, he brings me flowers.
3L #2: Sadly, that's not really the relevant question.
3L #3: Seriously. The real question is "Are you getting head?"

Living Healthy Through Class Attendence

3L #1: Tell me why I bothered coming to this class?
3L #2: Because you needed to give your liver a break from all the beer you drink

you said it, not me

Student: That’s an excellent question.

Prof: You see? Normally I just offer shitty questions.

There's no such thing as a dumb question...

Prof: And why does he say this?
3L: That's an excellent question.
Prof: Because normally I ask shitty questions.

While discussing the relative roles of Circuit judges and Supreme Court justices and how Scalia and Breyer's views on being a Circuit judge changed after they were elevated to the high court:

Prof: Once you become the big pimp, you can cast off the playas.

suicide is painless

Guest lecturer: When the professor asked me to do this talk, I tried to come up with some way to keep a class of law students paying attention to an hour long lecture on employee benefits without them putting a gun to their head. I couldn't.

do lawyers have to use technology?

3L: I'm too stupid to operate the Smartboard.

Antisemite.

1L: Cardozo could write my paper, and I'd still get a B-.

Overheard by AD

The plot is serious

Discussing obscenity and Miller v. California

Student: The final prong of Miller asks whether the work, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, or scientific value.

Student: So is that why so many pornos have a plumber or a cable guy come in? So they can argue that there is an educational value? They teach valuable trade skills and THEN have sex!

Overheard by LH

not the rapey kind!

Gender prof: I don't know how you'd know by just looking at men if they're the chivalrous kind or the rapey kind.

you mean a Freedom whore

2L: I don't know what I drank last night, but my mouth tastes like a French whore today.

Please sit on the other side of the room

3L: I don't know about y'all, but I'm mad flatulent today.

Kids just aren't a priority...

Discussing what to do if the police want to talk to your kid.

Student #1: I'd probably tell them to go down and talk to the police if he didn't do it and he'll be exonerated.
Crim Pro Prof: Uhhhhhhhhh....what if it was your client?
Student #1: Well that's a different story.
Crim Pro Prof: I think i'd rather be your client than your kid.

a couple minutes later, same conversation.

Crim Pro Prof: What about you, what would you do?
Student #2: I'd call an attorney.
Crim Pro Prof: You ARE an attorney!

context, people, context!

3L: I mean, Rob Halford, the lead singer of Judas Priest, is the classic gay leatherman. And nobody noticed!

Prof (noticing another 3L who is beet red): Those are words you never expected to hear in class, huh? Classic gay leatherman.

I'm a Kennedy man, myself

3L: He's just irritating. He's like one of those people who masturbates to Scalia decisions.