the best things in life are free

3L to very drunk woman at a bar: Are you all right?
Woman: Yes, yes. Are we bothering you? Do you want money?
3L: No, no. Just making sure everything's okay.
Woman: I can give you money! I have my corporate credit card.

this guy walks into a bar...

The scene: a group of 2L and 3Ls are drinking together at the new swanky bowling alley downtown and watching corporate holiday parties.

Very drunk male manager to very drunk female co-worker: Mewwy Cwistmas! *smooch*
VDFC-W: *smooch* You're drunk.

3L onlooker: My inner labor law attorney is screaming right now. Stop, stop! Sexual harassment!
2L: Eh, it looks consensual.
3L: But it doesn't matter! There are other employees there! That's a hostile work environment!
2L: 3L, we're taking away your drink.

Especially when the game's on

Tax Prof: The IRC (internal revenue code) is just like your boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it just doesn't deliver.
overheard by a law bitch

Worst test ever

One foreign first year student to another after the 1L Property exam: “It was so bad. I wish I was back in China.”

overheard by kw

cause: alcohol

on causation:

Torts Prof: You know when you were a teenager having a fight with your parents and you would go "I never asked for me to be born" - what a stupid comment, of COURSE you didn't. The correct answer to that is "Neither did we, you were a drunken mistake."

overheard by susie law school

Probably more useful that way

while taking a practice exam, 1L#1 consults with 1L#2 on AIM:

1L#1: Are you working on #17?
1L#2: No I used my test to pick up a roach 30 minutes ago.

overheard by SA

the slippery slope

2L: I just want to get laid. I even thought about [shady fellow law student at the party the other night].
3L: But you have standards.
2L: No, I don't have standards. I just didn't feel well.

Mmm, buttery tasting

3L male, drunk: I need sex but popcorn will suffice.

With an attitude like that, they already won

3L#1: What final do you have left?
3L#2: Counterterrorism.
3L#1: Ew. That sounds awful.
3L#2: What, are you a terrorist?

A cross between Scrooge and Learned Hand

while sitting and studying in an empty classroom and hearing a noise...

3L#1: This place is haunted.
3L#2: Yeah, by the ghost of our hopes and dreams.

First and last time I think we'll hear that...

Cashier: What are you studying at x-university?

3L: Law.

Cashier: Thanks for protecting America.

3L: [Stunned silence] Ummm...no problem.

I summon to me spirits!

2L: I don't mind Prof X's exam policy. We can bring in anyone except another person.
1L: Well, what if you're a medium? Can you channel someone during the exam? Say, Cardozo?
2L: Yeah, but not Cardozo. Prof X *hates* Cardozo. Also, I have no idea what he's saying.

It's Good That Your School Offers Free Professional Therapy...

1L: I wasn't aware I still had emotions 'til last week. I thought law school killed them all
3L: The trick is being able to bottle them up and slowly begin the march to a midlife crisis.
1L: I've be bottling them up for a long time then...a midlife crisis is a long way away for a 22 year old.
3L: That's what second year is for

R. Kelly, esquire

3L (pointing to her Lipton Green Tea): I thought this would taste like what I imagine pee would taste like.
2L: Oh, I really like that tea. I like things that are tart and kind of surprising... I guess maybe I would like urine?

That'll happen...

3L #1: Yeah, I realize now why we never noticed him. He is a really non-descript guy.

3L #2: I wouldn't notice him unless I had fucked him.

Perfect your gansta...

3L: If there one thing that 2Pac can get you through, it's secured transactions.

This is what we've been training for...

[Two library employees discussing the renovation of a balcony area in the library.]

Library employee #1: Well, we are going to replace that with a temporary railing.

Library employee #2: For that short period of time? Doesn't seem worth it.

Library employee #1: Have you met the kids here? You really trust them NOT to fall off?

Library employee #2: We are so going to get sued for this conversation.

Which Is Why You Need 100 More Bed Posts

2L #1: I'm going to start a Facebook group entitled "I've been let down by 2L #2."
2L #2: How about "I've been shot down by 2L #2?"
2L #1: There is nobody in the world that could join that group.

How on earth did Scalia go in the first round of the draft?

2L: "My fantasy football team is just like law school. Good on paper but sucktacular in practice."

Overheard by a LawBitch www.lawbitches.blogspot.com

Ohhh... GANJA!

(3L's #1 and #2 are eavesdropping on a conversation about addictive board games)

3L #1: Did you just say that Jenga is a drug?
3L #3: It IS a drug! It's super-addictive!
3L #2: ...I never knew that Jenga could be considered a drug.
3L #4: No, you're thinking of ganja.

procrastinate with me!

If Supreme Court Justices were rock stars!

Only One Of Them Is Virus Free

Female 2L: Wow, someone keeps a clean inbox.
Male 2L: Well, one of us needs to keep a clean box.

A face that only a mother (or a cat) could love

Property professor: Tell us about the case.
1L: There was a crazy cat lady…
Property prof directs class to turn to picture of plaintiff and her cat
Property professor: How could you not love that face?
1L: It's not the cat I have a problem with.
Overheard by DSE

You don't have to read in law school?

3L (starting by reciting the facts of the case): "Just like everyone read."
Prof: "What do you mean everyone read? Don't be delusional."

Overheard by There's No Competition in Law School

takes a licking and keeps on ticking

In trial advocacy

Law Student, regarding a professor: "He's such a fucking cunning linguist."

Overheard by EN

sw33t

1L: Where were you?
2L: I was working on a guy's D&D case. (drinking and driving)
1L: Dungeons and Dragons?
2L: ...Yes. A Paladin battered an Elf and stole his Sword of a Thousand Truths.

Overheard by JDM

Stress relief

Counselor (to the class): There are four stress related problems for law students: alcohlism, drug abuse, gambling and promiscuity.
1L: Beer, No-Doz, Poker and...working on it.

Overheard by JDM

Zing!

Male 2L #1: Evidence sucks.
Female 2L: I'm not doing it.
Male 2L #1: Well, you're a better woman than I.
Male 2L #2: Nobody's a better woman than you.

Well, you must be pretty flexible...

During study group:
1L: Don't worry. I gave myself a vasectomy with my teeth when I was 12.

Overheard by MS

In All Fairness, The Internet Is For Porn

2L: I just did the "forgot password" thing and it e-mailed me a new password and that doesn't work, either...even cyber-career services sucks.

It's Finally Come To This

3L: I just passed a moment in class where the professor officially sounded like the muted trumpet from Peanuts...I have no clue what he's saying anymore...I'm even listening.


Overheard by Old Cowhand

a/s/l?

3L: What are you wearing?
2L: pink pants and a sweater
3L: i am wearing corduroy pants with a striped shirt
2L: and underneath?

has paternity been established?

2L: I am thinking about taking a class with Prof X, but he scares me. He looks like Conan O'Brien's corpse.

always investigate strange noises in your most revealing lingerie

Crim Pro Prof: You all watch Law and Order. When they ask the suspect if they can search his house, what are you all screaming at the TV? Don't consent! Don't consent! Bad things will happen! It's like horror movies. Don't have sex! You're gonna get killed!

Watch your step...

in business law class.
2L#1 (who studied religion before law school): He says "profits" and i hear "prophets"
2L#2: yeah, i walk outside and see torts...my sister sees broken ankles.

a fine line...

2L (talking about prof): He doesn't hate homosexuals, he just doesn't think they should have rights.

What's the thing between the dick and the a-hole?

Crim Pro Prof: You have to purge the taint!

Not all beliefs are up in smoke

Con Law Prof: What's to stop people from saying "I belong to the Church of Weed and need to be exempt from the drug laws?"

Religious Judgment

Liberal-minded 2L: Evolution is a theory, and a great example of scientific method. How can anyone feel that it affronts their religion? I don't see how it can.

Conservative Christian 2L: That's because you're not religious.

so punny

2L: surprise, a bathroom at law school exploded
3L: ours?
2L: yep, there is an email
3L: hahahaahahhaa
2L: i'm pissed, its the one i usually use because noone is ever in there
3L: pissed, good one

I'm sure parts of Oklahoma are...um....nice?

Business Law Prof: For example, let's say you buy a dry dusty piece of land in Oklahoma - well, that's redundant - let's say you buy a piece of land in Oklahoma...

something we should all strive for?

1L: How's your paper coming?

2L: Oh yeah, i'm all over it like an anorexic girl at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

1L: i don't have enough will power to be anorexic. i admire that.

Big Fish in a Small Pond or Little Fish in a Big Pond

On transferring from a Top 100 Law School to a Top 5 Law School

2L: I think about the smartest thing that I can say, I raise my hand to say it, and as soon as I am done talking I know what I have said is so so wrong. I feel like a first grade Special-ed student who has been placed into 5th grade honors math.

he used to work for the city

Property Prof: You look like the kind of guy who knows something about plumbing.

1L: I know how to lay some pipe.

Overheard by DSE

subpoena sluts

re: who to subpoena

Professor: "If you can't get them in the door voluntarily, they probably won't give the most favourable testimony. Lesson learned, class, don't be promiscuous with your subpoenas."

Overheard by Ali

Perjury isn't just for bulimics anymore

Civ Pro Professor: What are you going to do if you know that the statements you take are going to be given over to the other side?

1L: Make false statements!

Overheard by SA

Just like the rest of law school

re: another course he will be teaching in the Spring

Tenured Antitrust Prof who has lost all passion for teaching: “And if you haven’t figured it out by now, you will have to teach it to yourself.”

Overhead by Anonymous

Whatever floats your boat

re: Predicting economic trends based on performance of suburban retail stores.

Biz Orgs Prof: "Some people get their kicks from playboy. I get my kicks from strip malls."

Overheard by KW

that'd explain it!

3L: "We didn't learn evolution in class..."
(silence)
3L: "I'm from Kansas."

Golddiggers: 1, Bleeding Hearts: 0

2L #1: Do you know where diamonds come from?
2L #2: Yes.
2L #1: They come from the sweat and blood of children and slavery.
2L #2: No, they come from coal.

And Now They're Both Frigid

At 2L #1's House for Thanksgiving

2L #2: That's the thing about the Wisconsin accent...it's really easy to pick up and hard to get rid of.

2L #3: Like 2L #1.

You sound like my mother...

3L: But does that make this true because he is lien creditor? [Legitimate Question]

Professor: NO!

(awkward 10 second silence.)

Professor: Would you care for me to elaborate?

At least we know where you're going.

3L: What I lack in planning, I make up for in arrogance.

Professor on Love

Family Law Professor: I agree with you, 3L, it is possible to find love when you're old. ...But it's unlikely.

Are You Sure You're Not A 1L?

2L: I'll do anything I can to not focus on the pain...because when I focus on the pain, I throw up.

Salesmen run when they see me coming...

Business Writing Prof (talking about fee when returning a leased car): Never pay a fee to return a car, cross it right off. No one is going to kill a deal cause you won't pay a $150 fee...People don't like doing business with me.

Fine, I'll do the dishes.

3L: Oh come on, my kitchen is not that bad.
2L: 3L, I've seen swimming holes full of retards that are more sanitary than your kitchen.

Time to go for older women?

2L #1: pregnant chicks freak me out, i try to avoid them.
2L #2: i try to avoid chicks who can get pregnant. granted this doesn't do much for my romantic life...

ew, not like that!

Prof, while discussing jail house snitches and when they violate Massiah: So the snitch is sucking up to you. In the metaphorical sense.

*class groans*

Prof: Oh, come on! You all know what goes on in prisons.

Good Taste Police!!

Prof, while discussing Lynch v. Donnelley: The description of this holiday display sounds incredibly tacky. It's too bad that we can't make a legal claim on the basis of poor taste.

Elwood and Jake would be proud

Con Law prof: We like Christianity and Judaism! Country and western! All together!

looking for love in all the wrong places

The scene: Bioethics class is looking at an egg donor website on the Smartboard.


Prof: Okay, this one here actually provides a picture.
2L guy: Is she hot?
Prof clicks on picture.
2L: Well, maybe after a couple of beers.

Sure, blame it on the old guys...

Professor: Well, but that really depends on what the optimal amount of sexual harassment is. It's definitely above zero.

(Class laughs nervously.)

Professor: Damn! I mean that's what the court thinks! [Then very seriously] THE COURT. NOT ME.

Assault with a pregnant mouse?

To 1L Torts class about practice exams:

Torts Prof: I presume that none of you did this under realistic under fire conditions, with someone chewing gum, someone making this [sniffling/snorting] noise, someone coughing, and you want to beat them with a pregnant mouse.

-Overheard by MS

They must work in the little shed in the back...

Student asking question of professional athletic team's in-house counsel.

Law Student: So, how much does the outhouse counsel do?

Only if you commit a crime?

Crim prof: If you act according to what God tells you, you're insane.

Overheard by EM

The younger, the better

Federal Income Tax Prof.: The tax code is like a page, Congress can't keep it's hand off of it.

Overheard by Ex.Coll.

ouch

Re: a particularly brutal rape case

Crim Law Prof: You can see that this isn't the candles and the chardonnay.

overheard by 1LG (1lg.blogspot.com)

There's plenty of time to be an asshole

While discussing Bak-a-lum v. Alcoa:

Contracts Prof: Yeah, you can terminate at will, but c'mon; you can't be an asshole about it!

Overheard by Nova

In Good Company

Prof: Alabama has been known for its racism.
1L: You know Alabama isn't the only racist state, Mississippi is also very racist.

Overheard by anonymous

You know you're a law student when...

2L: "Oh my god! So Denise Richards was in a casino for a party and got pissed off at a paparazzi. She grabbed their laptop and threw it off a balcony and, I shit you not, she hit an 80 year old woman in a wheelchair. Could you imagine what a great torts case this would be?"

Overheard by El Creel

Close enough

3L: Yeah, I think I found that information on that crazy conservative organization's webpage, Americans for the Family Way?

She meant Focus on the Family.

Can we pick the people?

RE: computer hackers performing tests on other networks, which the court found to not cause any actual damage

"It's sort of like the velociraptors testing the weaknesses of the security fence. (pause) I had a Jurassic Park craving this weekend that was not satisfied, so if you come up to my office later on, you may find me watching the DVD. Do people get that or is it just me? Do you sometimes just want to see dinosaurs eating people?"

Overheard by TI

Definitely a four letter word...

Professor (after a student used fairness as a factor in a balancing test): Did you just use the f-word? You DO NOT use that language in polite company.

a sticky situation

1L Male: Law school is a lot like having sex without a condom. You're happy you got it, but pretty bummed you came.

Sad But True

IP Prof: Can anyone tell me what fantasy baseball is?
Student: The Cubs winning the World Series.

so thats where that is...

Evidence Professor: Do you know where this case is from?

3L: Uh...the 5th circuit?

Evidence Professor: It's from Tex-Ark county . Do you know where that is? It's scary place, probably the only place where the Bushes and Clintons can inter-marry. On a side note, there are two things I hate. Incompetence and people from Tex-Ark county.

Which Is Why I Teach Corporations

3L: Can you speak to the constitutionality of including spouses and children?
Corporations Prof: I can’t speak about the constitutionality of anything!

Your Tax Dollars At Work

Prof: Do I have an answer to your question? No. But I can talk for a long time, because I’m a professional. I’m paid to talk when I have nothing to say.

Something smells fishy!

Class is coming back from a break and many have gotten sushi that was being served by a student group.

Sports Law Prof: Does anyone not have their mouth full of raw fish and can tell me about this case?

On discussing Rhode Island v. Innis and manipulating suspects by appealing to their better nature.

Student: But he just blew a cabbie's head off!
Prof: Oh, he's not all bad.

Let us know how you really feel.

Religion & Law Prof: (while discussing City of Boerne) This is the worst constitutional ruling in recent years. It’s just so poorly reasoned and dishonest. As if I didn’t have enough reasons to dislike Justice Scalia.

love me tender

1L #1- What is "legal tender"?
1L #2- It's when you develop a special kind of relationship with your lawyer...
1L #3- It's when you start spooning.
1L #4- What about illegal tender?
1L #2- That's when you start spooning with the other guy's lawyer...
1L #1- It's like "ex parte" tender...

Overheard by hick narcissus

He's a Republican?

Re: Doing trust work for a murderer (This professor also defended German banks in Holocaust litigation.)

Civ Pro Prof: "It's one of the reasons why my resume reads like an application to hell."

Overheard by Bruski

Typical virgin mistake

3L: All sex is prostitution.
Prof: Well, that's an interesting way to end class.

Overheard by JW

if I were in high school, i'd be crying

Overheard at a job interview:

Senior partner: this firm is a cross between a gym class, a sweatshop, and a locker room.

Overheard by Ex.Coll.

At least it wasn't Gilbert Godfrey opening the box...

Re: 404(a)

Prof: Does anyone know what Pandora's Box is? Who's Pandora anyway? I imagine Angelina Jolie opening the box, and all this shit coming out! And we're talking about really bad shit here!

Overheard by EN

That's gotta hurt

In Civil Procedure (taught by the dean of the law school):

Dean: Do you see any good lawyers in this room?

1L: (looking around at classmates) No.

Dean: Well, thanks the hell a lot!

Overheard by AB

They charge extra for waterboarding

2L #1 was complaining about the 30 hours she had spent working on the authority checks for a law review article.
2L #2: "Well at least you're paid well for that."
2L #1 (looking blankly at the other 2L): "You mean I'm paying for that measly credit."
2L #2: "You have to pay to do that shit? That's like getting a bill for your stay at Gitmo."

Overheard by The LawBitches

Biological clocks do tick

Crim law prof: "You can't ever wait too long to get married. Well, unless you're a woman."

Overheard by Nova

Zoning restrictions

Property Prof: "Ok, are you ready? I'm going to throw a hooker at you!"

Overheard by Mel

On Rehnquist

Re: Locke v. Davey

Con Law Prof: This is such a poorly written opinion ... He was just getting sloppy in the end.

Honesty: Not ALWAYS The Best Policy

Guest Speaker: You know, your careers are going to be what you make of them, so make them count.

Smart-ass 3L: *in a singsong voice* I smell disbarrment....

More MPRE Fun...

MPRE Instructor discussing avoiding appointment: Pretty much any reason works. Like, 'You're poor? That's disgusting!'

****

MPRE Instructor discussing restrictions on advertising: You can't tell people your father is on the Illinois Supreme Court. People will ask, 'So are you retarded too?'

paging Dr. Freud

MPRE Review Instructor: Regarding sleeping with your clients, if you start sleeping with them *after* the attorney-client relationship is formed, that's a no-no and you have to pull out. I mean withdraw. Crap. Okay, you can't be their lawyer anymore.

I Hope They're Not Discussing Halloween Costumes

2L#1: But the ATCA is jurisdictional. It doesn't create a federal cause of action.
2L#2: Well it does create a federal cause of action in some limited situations...like piracy.
2L#1: But piracy would already be under federal jurisdiction, since it's maritime law.
2L#2: Not necessarily. What about music pirates? Or internet pirates? Or butt pirates?

...

2L#2: Why do they call them butt pirates?
2L#1: Because when you put your penis in their butt, they go, "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

The Distinction is Ever So Fine

A Professor on Depositions: "I can't suborn perjury, but I can engage in truth engineering"

making law school sexy...

Prof is writing initials of people on white board after a simulated negotiated.

Prof: okay, Scott and Markus (writes S/M) ... maybe i'll write out the names...

stereotypes shmereotypes

Prof: you're going to get a very different type of voter at a NASCAR race than you would at, I don't know, a bio-diesel rally.

The Better Question Is "Why's That Smell?"

2L#1: What's that smell?
2L#2: We're in New Jersey.
2L#1: Oh.

The life of poor law students...

Prof (passing out powerpoint packets): Does anyone else need handouts?
3L: Like money or food?

How are you defining 'we'?

Secured Transactions Professor, discussing LBOs: Well, they must have done this for a reason. We don't think all MBAs are stupid.

Only If You Sing Like Yoko

On the way to The Dakota, where John Lennon was shot.

3L: Do you think it would be in bad taste to reenact the murder?

dumb as rocks, I tell you!

Prof's old friend: What do you teach?
Prof: Oh, well, idiots mostly.

Quit

Overheard at a job interview:

Potential employer: What would you do if your client banged a 5 year old and there is DNA evidence in his anus?

Very inclusive definition

Metro sign in DC: Give up your seats for somebody with a disability

3L#1: What counts as a disability?
3L#2: The test for a disability is "would the reasonable person feel bad for you?"

Federal Rules of Ego

Trial Ad Prof: You people need to know the rules of evidence! It's like you are playing a game of chess without knowing how the pieces move!
3L: My evidence prof was useless. I don't know the rules well enough.
Trial Ad Prof: Get a Gilberts. Read Mauet. Read the rules. That's what I did. My professor didn't teach us evidence and as a trial lawyer you really need to know them.
3L #2: [Lamenting] My evidence class didn't help me at all...
Trial Ad Prof: I had Laurence Tribe. Big Name. Big Ego. Couldn't Teach Evidence. In class, it would be like, "Thanks Larry, we'd love to hear more about your time in front of the Supreme Court."

She smells funny, afterall

Crim prof: "If we don't join the cases, he'll have to do probation with 3L. And nobody wants to probation with 3L."

Come on, the job search isn't that bad...

Legal Writing Professor: “I don’t want to die choking on Donald Rumsfeld!”
Overheard by AE

clearly the aneurysm

Civ Pro prof: "Did I just have a mild aneurysm or did you change your answer halfway through that?"

Overheard by this1Lgirl

You can't be in our study group.

1L in Civ Pro: "Can you review what a forum is?"

Overheard by this1Lgirl

can you spot the res gestae?

While discussing res gestae (Excited Utterances or Spontaneous Exclaimations):

Professor asks a question loudly, angrily, and suddenly to tiny 2L girl who was obviously trying to disappear in her seat.

2L: Fuck, I don't know! He was stressed? He was scared?

Prof: Oh, did I scare you?

2L: Kinda, a little, yeah.

Prof: Awwwwww, I'm sorry. Here. VIRTUAL HUG. Don't be scared. Give me an answer.

Overheard by RS

Everybody likes excessive cologne

Constitutional Law Professor: So, how can we make U.S. v. Lopez a sexy case about individual rights?

2L: Spray the book with cologne and tell us we don't have to read it?

Overheard by RS

more potty humor

Contracts Prof: "Assent is the bathroom of contracts. The sooner we wash our hands of it and leave, the better off we are."
Overheard by hick narcissus

You never have to grow up

Contracts Prof: So, in Holman Erection v. Orville, defendant was a general contractor who...[Prof. starts snickering]
Contracts Prof: [muttering to himself] Damnit! I promised myself I wouldn't laugh.

Overheard by basic thesis

Shearing Is Caring

3L: I think I could shave a stranger's balls...but not yours.

Prosecutorial discretion

Some advice from your friendly bloggers at Overheard: do not walk around your office naked, especially if you're a prosecutor in a government building.

Depends on who you talk to

3L: Crack in your sock is better than a sock in your crack, am I right?

Are you Jewish or something?

3L: We have an ethnical duty!

analogy time, kids!

Crim Pro Prof (discussing Terry stops): Either you're seized or you're not. It's like being pregnant. You either are or you're not. You can't be a little bit seized.

Desperate. Like the Housewives.

Professor: What do you think about the woman in this case, 3L #1? Personally, what do you think of a woman who contracted away half her fortune to keep a marriage together?

3L #1: (pauses) Well, it's not really for me to judge. People do crazy things in the name of love, and I don't think it's my place to judge them for it.

3L #2: I'll judge her. She was desperate.

Tell Them What They Wanna Hear

Elder Law Professor: What do you do when faced with an elderly person who lacks capacity, yet decides they want to get married?

Student: Can't you just tell the elderly person that they're already married?

she said penis!

Health Law Prof: Well, in this case, you'd use the Woodcock-Johnson test to evaluate...
Students snicker
Prof: You know, I'm not that old. I do get the joke.
3L guy #1: Wait, is that one person or two people?
Prof: Two people.
3L guy #2: Can you just imagine if it was one person? Peter Woodcock Johnson?
Students giggle some more
3L guy #3: Wait, what's so funny?
3L girl: The fact that Guy #3 is 10 seconds behind everyone else.

Torts: An Introduction to Ambulance Chasing

Torts Prof: Law isn't about the way things really are. It's about money.

Overheard by Natalie

What if you fall asleep?

Crim prof: Reading statutes is like having sex; you can't stop in the middle.
Overheard by JV

Because slapping white ass is fun!

African American Civ Pro prof talking about a discrimination case from 1974 where they joined women and African Americans in the same class action suit

Civ Pro Prof: So you're telling me that if this were 1974, you would group me and my family, after all we have suffered through, with a bunch of white women gettin' their asses slapped in the workplace?
1L: No, not at all.
Civ Pro Prof: That's right... Because if this were 1974 and you said yes, I would have shot you son...shiiiit.

Overheard by AC

Mulder agrees

2L: You mean aliens have rights under the constitution?

Overheard by Progressio Veritas

hungrily?

Civ Pro professor, while trying to explain an issue of Subject Matter Jurisdiction: You all are looking at me like MULES at a NEW FENCE!!

Overheard by AH

Copyright laws don't bother me

During a discussion for movies that could be shown instead of The Corporation:
Business Associations Prof: The only problem with showing this movie is that everyone would have to come to the classroom and watch it because it is not readily available for rental on Netflix or Blockbuster.
2L: You could make copies of it.
BA Prof: Not without violating several different copyright laws. I had to pay licensing fees to even show The Corporation in such a large public forum. I'm not even allowed to put it on reserve in the library.
2L: I could make copies of it.

Overheard by The LawBitches

That was an insult, eh?

Immigration prof: Say your client is Canadian, so he speaks English almost like you do!

the law school casting couch

1L girl: Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

1L guy: Sure. We were just talking about sex with professors in exchange for grades.

The word you're looking for is "Smart"

Crim law professor: If the ignorance of the law defense were allowed, what kind of criminals would use it?
1L: Guilty ones?

Overheard by SA

I hate lawyers and butt boys too?

During a discussing about a trial in which an expert witness was on stand

Torts prof: And then the lawyer said, 'Isn’t it true, Doctor X, that you are nothing but opposing counsel’s BUTT BOY?'

Torts prof: I hate both those guys. I wish they’d both just die.

Overheard by Nova

What are you going to do about it?

E-mail from tax prof that has a no e-mail no internet policy during class time, sent at 9:45 am (the middle of tax class) to the students:

If you are reading this email before 10:15 am on Friday, September 29th, then you shouldn't be.


Overread by Bored in the Back Row

Lawyers shouldn't procreate with other lawyers

1L Male: So what do we include when we submit our declaration to study law?
1L female: The declaration... your birth control... and the check.

Overheard by OneHell

Is that causa, or consideration?

"What better way to secure a contract than over a steaming penis fondue."

(from the BBC)

I gotta get her number

2L guy to 3L girl: So you and that 1L were really going at it in the middle of the bar.

3L: I can't help it, I take my pants off automatically

Law School Commercials

Attorney:
Lawschool education: $50,000
Bar exam prep and test: $4,000
Four attempted assaults in your first year of practice: Priceless

Happy Yom Kippur!

3L #1: Kosher hot dogs are really bitchin'!
3L #2: They're Jewlicious!

That boring.

3L: These SBA minutes read like my Civ Pro outline!

girls gone wild

2L: I don't understand. What is the point of covering just the nipple? You're already seeing the whole breast. What difference does it make?
Non-law student: Well, clearly it matters to the FCC.
2L: But why?! Nipples are boring.
3L: My nipples aren't boring. They're *awesome*.

This hand smacks with love!

Immigration prof: You guys are like abused children.

Way to deflect a gunner comment!

Torts Prof: Was that Aristotle you just quoted?
1L: No, it’s the nutshell.

Overheard by DSE

Then what does "surf's up" mean?

Contracts Prof (discussing Undue Influence defense): The translation of "trust me" from Californian to English is "fuck you."

Overheard by hick narcissus

That's not the way to talk about your wife!

Torts prof: You oughta see my hoe. It's rusty old and tired.

Overheard by Nova

Generally it wasn't even when I started

During a Mock Deposition:

3L: Was it ever wet in there when you were finished?

Like Really, Really Bad Morning Breath

2L Guy: If I'm that relaxed when I have balls in my mouth that I'm falling asleep, I have bigger problems than the fact that I have balls in my mouth.

abort, retry, fail?

Life's Lessons

(While discussing Illinois v. McArthur)

Crim Pro Prof: Another Life Lesson: Don't piss off trailer trash.

Why buy the cow?

3L: People who are living together and having sex aren't presenting themselves as being married, they are presenting themselves as living together and having sex.

Overheard by JW

...and I'm spent.

Tax prof: You're sitting here in class paying over a $1 a minute. Have you ever paid more than a $1 a minute for anything else? Some of you might have done that for the services of doctors or lawyers. (pause) And some of you might have for paid that for some other sort of "professional."

Overheard by the LawBitches

Dry cleaning gets the blood right out

Criminal Procedure professor: I don’t know if I want to put the mic on this tie. A man who killed his brother gave me this tie. It’s a nice tie. It’s one of the benefits of being a lawyer.

Overheard by Jedidiah

Cornholio needs lots of TP if it's broken

Torts prof: You have no idea what kind of damage a broken bunghole can cause.

Overheard by Nova

It's not indoctrination, It's education

Civ Pro Prof: Now remember class--Who do we sue?
1Ls [in unison]: EVERYBODY!
Civ Pro Prof: When do we bill?
1Ls: EARLY AND OFTEN!

Overheard By Cristey

yes, your shit does smell like roses

3L: How pure and innocent are we talking here?
Non-law student: She farts Disney.

totally kills the buzz

2L: I hate smoking before war crimes.

finally, an analogy everybody understands

Con Law Professor (re: United States v. Nixon): It's like an S&M relationship where one party lets the other party dominate him, and they play until he says the code word. Only in this case, the special prosecutor didn't stop after Nixon said the code word, and that's why we have this case.
Overheard by NW

Having to pay in cents

Torts prof: It's sort of a kiss your sister kind of situation. It sounds real good, but you always end up having to pay.

Overheard by Nova

I can't wait to abuse that power!

Estate and Gift Tax prof: He did have the power to divorce his wife. That's a power that gets a lot of people through the day.

Overheard by NRN

Is that a resume in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2L Guy: I'm frustrated with OCI. I interviewed with a lot of firms, but haven't been getting any callbacks. It's like having a lot of girlfriends, but not getting any ass. The most frustrating ones are the ones that don't reject you or call back. It's blueballs to the umpteenth degree.

Overheard by Kai

That's Code for "You're a Jackass."

Guest Speaker: (to Gunner) You're just great at breaking up rhythm aren't you?
Gunner: (Proceeds to make pointless statement, which is of course, wrong).

We Can Safely Assume She's Not Talking About Elmo

2L: No...don't lick it...just tickle it.

The secret to dealing with 1Ls

(I'm a TA for a Torts I prof. I asked him about some minor issue that a 1L was having the first week of classes)

Prof: "You need to realize that you are dealing with beginners. To them EVERYTHING is a crisis."

a little practical advice.

Prof. on his days defending criminals...

Prof :"They [prosecution] always called an insanity defense, 'a slow plead of guilty'."

Weekend plans...

1L : "I've decided. No matter what is happening on Friday i'm drinking ... ALOT."

what is it with you rapists?!

3L: So I'm taking the dog outside last night, and I realize there's a guy in the bushes. And I think: "Fuck, I really don't want to be sexually assaulted right now. I so do not have time for that and all that emotional fallout shit."

That's exactly why

1L: I don't like small group work.
1L2: Yeah, well, you're a whore.

Overheard by LCS

Until she leaves, and then a thank you text

Prof: What if a girl consents to have sex with a man only if he tells her he loves her?

1L: How long exactly would he have to love her?

Overheard by JK

Consortium is legalese for sex

2L: I suppose he could recover for loss of consortium if he was unable to go hiking with his wife as a result of his injuries.

Tax Prof.: That's not what loss of consortium means.

Overheard by NG

Like a true champion

2L Guy: Hey, aren't you proud of me?
2L Girl: For what?
2L Guy: I read for once today.
2L Guy #2: It was 4 pages!
2L Guy: Whatever. Don't take away from my achievement. I think I'm going to ditch class to celebrate.

Overheard by Kai

That's not true, think of Wickard.

Con Law Prof: You're unlikely to lean anything in this class that will help you pass the bar.

Overheard by Sparky

Damn right

Law Prof: Is the reasonable person ever drunk?

1L: Uhh... I think he should be.

Overheard by PG

Al Sharpton Did Not Endorse This Message

Prop Prof: The liberals aren’t usually the ones saying, “Efficiency! Efficiency!”... they’re saying other things...they’re saying, “Civil rights” and other stuff...other crap.

The candyman can

Crim Pro Prof: What's the best way to get things into a jail?....
Get arrested for driving without a licence, cover yourself in heroine gelcaps, open your coat and... "Hey guys. The candy store's open!"

Professors Want Excitement

Professor to 2L: How are you? Anything new or exciting?
2L: Well, if by 'exciting' you count losing electricity last night and reading Tax by flashlight...

Overheard by Emily

A venue transfer to the weight room

Civ Pro Prof: What does 1441 say?
1L: I don't know. My bookbag was too heavy to bring that book today.
Civ Pro Prof: Anybody stronger know the answer? Perhaps someone under 100 lbs who can shame him?

Overheard by Natalie

Quid Pro Quo???

Waiting for court hearing:
Client: So, do you come here often?

Oh God! That's what people say when they are hitting on someone!
Attorney: Just don't ask me my sign and we're okay.

So, what's new?

2L on phone: I'm taking Federal Income Tax and that's the most exciting thing in my life right now.

So that's why they teach classes on Con Law!

1L #1: And that's why the Patriot Act is unconstitutional.
1L #2: But Congress doesn't pass acts that aren't constitutional.

Overheard by JM.

Overheard Not in Law School

The scene: first and second year public health graduate students discussing the recent opening of a local Trader Joe's and their excitement over Two-Buck Chuck.

1st year: I can only drink two glasses of Two Buck Chuck. After that I start to feel sick.
2nd year: Why don't you just have two glasses and enjoy it then?
1st: Clearly you don't know me very well. I drink to get drunk.
2nd: What's wrong with having two glasses of wine?
1st: If I'm just going to have one beer, I rather skip it and not feel sick when the buzz wears off. I'd rather have five.
2nd: Oh, you binge drink.

constitutional protections

3L: I have to run. We're supposed to be watching a video in class.

2L: Oh? What about?

3L: The right to die.

2L: How appropriate for law school.

Silent Bob Speaks for the First Time

Usually very quiet 2L during discussion about whether to dress down or wear suits for simulations.

2L: Why don't we say we don't wear suits and if people want to be tools and wear suits they can be TOOLS!

It's all about Class

A hurried 1L with a ginormous backpack walks in and bumps one of the 3Ls standing in an elevator:

1L: Sorry about that...it's just so big and bulky
3L: Well better that then your ass.

What to do when STUPID gets to you...

3L: people are dumb and i want a blunt.

Yes.

Nonprofits prof: Stoned professors are better than straight professors.

Crim Pro definitions

Crim Pro Prof: If you can figure out what curtilage is, that's where you plant your pot.

Overheard by EW

Vicarious bicuriousity

1L #1: I'm so excited for the weekend! I already did the reading for Tuesday and I am all done with my memo.
1L #2: Oh my god, I hate you! I guess I have to live bi-curiously through you while you're having nothing but fun!

Overheard by AC

More reasons to go to Nevada

Con Law Prof: Nevada is a very libertarian state. If you want to build a nuclear power plant, near a bordello, with blackjack in the back, it will fly.

Overheard by Without Reason

good solution, BETTER solution

2L girl #1: I'm gonna go jogging at 6pm to relieve some tension. You want to come?
2L girl #2: No thanks. I'm gonna go have the shit fucked out of me at 7pm to relieve some tension.

Overheard by sign me up

Kids will be kids

Torts Prof: "In the past we saw cases where children were battering each other in typical child-like ways. You know, paperclips...shotguns..."

Overheard by Curable Triteness

Job Choices

2L #1: How did it go?
2L #2: [Just returning from an interview] It went fine...it's a stupid little job. Just filing. I wouldn't have to dress up or anything, but it's only $8.50 an hour.
2L #1: You could go to Wal-Mart and make $11

Fashion faux pas

3L male: How come in The Devil wears Prada, what's-her-face wears Gucci all the time?
3L female: How come you noticed?
3L male: That's not a question! That's an insult masquerading as a question!

He meant that ridiculously ugly sweater and tote bag set

Prof: “What was the offensive contact on the dog?”
1L: “You mean besides the bullet?”

Overheard by SA

Curiosity kills many kittens

legal writing prof: "I apologize for answering the question by saying, 'You'll know what to do when the time comes'... I suppose if that's all it took to satisfy human curiosity, then the porn industry probably wouldn't be so profitable."

Overheard by GL

It's also a lie

1L: Good Point
Torts Prof: Only kind I make.

Overheard by DSE

From Liberal To Conservative In The Blink Of An Eye

1L: It’s such bullshit. If you go to the White House website they have all these coloring-book photos of the Presidents. Most of them are portraits or drawings of them in the Oval Office. George W. Bush’s is him in a playground with a bunch of kids . . . Bill Clinton has his zipper down.

2L OCI Interviews #2

2L #1: Where are you interviewing?
2L #2: Lord, Bissel and Brock
2L #1: That's the firm that does half-litigation and half-vacuum manufacturing, right?

Is that Lavender?

A 2L hands his resume to his friend:

2L Guy #1: This is really nice paper
2L Guy #2: I went all out on the resume paper
2L Guy #1: You should spritz it up with cologne
2L Guy #2: My interviewer is a guy

I guess you didn't see High Fidelity

1L #1: I hate John Cusack
1L #2: How can you hate John Cusack?
1L #1: He’s a horrible human being. If it was between Death Row Inmates and John Cusack, I pick the inmates every time.

self-referential irony

The scene: sexually harassing 3L guy is attempting to chat up two attractive 1L women during the first week of class.

3L guy: You have to watch out in law school. There are lots of shady people.

Safety First

Professor: Another safety tip along with don’t have unprotected sex with prostitutes is don’t drive a motorcycle…But if you have into an accident on one, get in an accident with a car, not a tree, so you can get No-Fault benefits.

Just My Luck

Professor: The judge wouldn't even let me speak on summary disposition. So, enraged, since I didn't like this judge to begin with, I appealed and I was going to ask the Court of Appeals that judge be disqualified. I didn't have to ask that since the judge had been promoted to the Court of Appeals.

hey baby, what's your sign?

3L describing the arbitrariness of First Amendment law: "That sign is good, that one is fine, OH GOD THAT ONE IS 3" TOO BIG!"

War and Feets

2L #1: Something in this room smells like feet. I can't figure out if it's me. This is both frustrating and paranoia-inducing.
2L #2: Eww. I hate feet. Pigeons and feet are my least favorite things in the world. Oh, and war. War is bad too.

Overheard by EN

Summer Dream Sequence

Scene: A birthday party for a co-worker/friend where rising 2L was working. She happens to sit next to a law professor.

Law Professor to rising 2L: So, what do you do?
Rising 2L: (after taking a sip of wine) Oh, I'm a law student.
Law Professor: You don't look oppressed enough to be a law student.

If You Wanted To Be Her Lover...

2L#1: We went out once. We went to the Spice Girls concert.
2L#2: Really!?! Did you tell her what you want...what you really, really want?

No Means No

At Student Organization Fair
3L #1: 3L #2, want a cookie?
3L #2: You know I can't say no!
2L: That's why she's president of Law Students 4 Choice!

3L and non-lawstudent discuss a mutual friend who wants to go to lawschool:

3L: I told him how awful lawschool is- I really hope [mutual friend] takes my advice and doesn't apply.
Non-lawstudent: Nah, he won't listen, [mutual friend] is an asshole. He deserves to go to lawschool.

It's not about fairness, It's about winning

3L: As I am arguing, what if I reference a case that wasn't in my pleadings...how is my opponent supposed to know what I am talking about?
Prof: Who cares!

Judge Mentality

Appellate Advocacy Prof: "I'm a judge. I have an Article III ego. I can be stupid, you can't"

A working definition

1L: Did you see Snakes on a Plane?
3L: Not yet.
1L: I saw it with the the 'law school couple.' You know, the unattractive pair that starts dating the first night of orientation.

she didn't mean it when she said 4 pages was cute

Appellate advocacy professor, on lengths of briefs: "This isn't a big dick contest. The longest doesn't win."

Overheard by Sal.

You just want to hang out with detective Benson

2L: How would I go about becoming a Special Victims prosecutor?
Summer boss: You have a better chance of becoming a special victim.

Overheard by CS

maybe it's time to move to Nevada...

2L: I'd like to shop for carpet, but it's illegal in most states.

I can't put my finger on that definition

2L boy: I guess I just have a conceptual problem calling Miranda a prophylactic rule, you know? I mean it seems to me Miranda really embodies the Fifth Amendment itself, rather than only protects one’s Fifth Amendment rights that are separate and distinct.

2L girl: Yeah, I know…I mean, why would the judges want to name it after something that they put up their butts? Did they not like it very much?

2L boy: what?

2L girl: You know, I mean that’s what a prophylactic is, right? Those things that people put up their butt?

2L boy: god I wish I was your boyfriend.


Overheard by Jaded J.D.

Pier 1 isn't working out

Copyright Prof: "If you do work for a large size entity like Viacom work is constantly coming in, if you work for a mid-size entity, you know like Kirsty Alley, you can have more breaks between projects."

Overheard by RR

unintended consequences

1L #1: We should compare briefs later...um, you know what I mean.
1L #2: Why do all my casual hookups turn into study groups?

Overheard by RB

Cream cheese is the great equalizer

3L: I'm just interviewing with [employer] because I need interview experience. I know that I'm better than that, and that I shouldn't be working for that kind of place.
3L#2, different school: .... YOU HAVE FOOD ON YOUR FACE.

I've never passed a Bar...

In the bookstore before the first week of classes.

1L: Well, I just really LOVE the law!
2L: Yeah, I used to, now i'm an alcoholic.

dead baby jokes?

Evidence Professor: Time for a new hypothetical, let's say i kill little mort. Little Mort is the creature who lives next door to me. He's three years old. I use him in my hypotheticals because he deserves to die.

Copyright Bounty

Copyright Prof: Acording to the RIAA we are all Pirates.
2L: ARGH!!!
Copyright Prof: Yes, ARGH! Unfortunately, we're not as sexy as Johnny Depp.

seat's taken

As 2L#1 walks into class looking for a seat...

2L#2: "2L#1, you can't sit here. you can't sit next to me. and actually, could you not sit in front of me either."

Hooray war crimes

Prominent International Law Professor: "I love war crimes tribunals. I collect tribunals like kids collect baseball cards."

So, Will Anything Be On The Final?

Legal Professions Prof: Anybody else want to pick a number from the board?

2L: 0

Legal Professions Prof: 0 is what I learned in Legal Ethics in law school . . . and I went here.

Oui...

Prof: Who in here feels like I'm speaking a foreign language?
Student from France raises hand.

Shotgun play?

Sports law professors talking about Maurice Clarett and how high school basketball players can go straight to the NBA but not NFL

Prof 1: maybe he should have practiced his shooting instead of his running.
Prof 2: i think he was in his last arrest...

At Least HE'S Telling The Truth!

Professor: A lot of law professors will tell you that there is no such thing as a bad question. (pause) Yeah, they're all full of shit.

If Elizabeth Cady Stanton played Bingo...

2Ls looking at classroom assignments
2L #1: where's our class?
2L #2: A64...i feel like i'm calling out bingo
2L #1: Binga...it's like if feminists played Bingo.

Common Sensical

Professor: We now have wireless in the classroom. You aren't allowed to use it to IM, check e-mail or search the internet. So you have access to it, but don't use it.

that's actually what brain tastes like

2L: I just burped out my nose and it tasted like potatoes.

The finer points of law school

2L: my tax prof could have amazing zoomers they may even be so bodacious that she could declare them dependants on her tax return.

somebody needs to do their shirt laundry

Legal Ethics Prof: Here's some good advice: don't walk into the bar exam smelling like marijuana. You should write that down.

Overheard by MM

You mean we're not?

re: learning to address juries

Trial Advocacy Book: Forget your legal training for a minute and try to figure out how you would act if you were a real person.

Over(read) by SunCynic

Bar Talk

Talking about a classmate at the bar:

3L #1: Does he manscape?
3L #2: No, I think he's naturally hairless
3L #3: I thought I saw some razor burn one day on his chest
The 3L Who Knows All: Yes, he manscapes. And his girlfriend shaves his back.

Class Preparation

3L #1: Is that your 3rd or 4th Beer?
3L #2: 4th!
3L #3: And don't you have your first class in an hour?
3L #2: Absolutely.

The Light's On, but the Owner is Asleep

In a Thesis Seminar on Advanced Criminal Procedure
Prof: What topic are you thinking about for your Paper?
3L: Emminent Domain
Prof: That's not really on point, but I like that you're thinking.

Kind of like ketchup?

Bankruptcy Prof: “I drink tequila because I’ve convinced myself its vegetable juice.”

Overheard by Anonymous

Don't let them smell your fear!

(Prof asks first question to a 1L)

1L: I don't know. I'm scared.


Overheard by KP

B.S. Degree

Witness: She was working on her Feces.

Partner: What was that?

Witness: You know, Feces, she was getting her Masters.

Partner: You mean "Thesis"?

Witness: Ohh, umm...yeah.

At Least Your Not Anemic

4 2L's are eating burritos at Qdoba during OCI. Three are in suits and between interviews. The fourth is in shorts and a t-shirt and not between interviews

2L#1: My interview with Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe went very well.
2L#2: Yeah, I met with them this morning. They were very friendly.
2L#3: Did either of you interview with Dewar's & Rocks? I have them next.
2L#1: No, I interview with them later tonight.
2L#4: I just ate some tin foil . . . In case any of you are wondering why I didn't get any interviews, it's because of shit like that.

You don't need both hands to read Braille.

3L: Sometimes a vibrator is very necessary.
2L: But how will you study for the bar once you go blind?

Why Law Schools Don't Have Parent's Weekend

2L#1: Will you back me up!?! Jesus!
2L#2: Jesus doesn't back up girls like you.
2L#1: That's not true. He backed up Mary Magdalene.
2L#3: And she was a whore.
2L#2: True. That's an example that Jesus backs up girls exactly like you.
2L#1's Mom: Calm down, you're getting out of line.

Tell me what you really think

Attorney 1: What do you think of the boss's new haircut?
Attorney 2: I feel like he should be stealing my car not running the office

which part of this is worse?

(via IM)

3L: oh no i think i have to crap at work.
2L: hahahaha, i'm sorry
2L: that's funny
3L: it is funny to most people but i can't do the crapping in public
3L: maybe the bathroom is empty
2L: haha, i know
2L: i only crap in empty bedrooms
2L: i mean bathrooms
2L: wow

That ice cream tastes unusual

not-L: Hey, is that an abortion clinic? (Pointing to a sign that says "Tremont Family Medical Center")
3L: No, that is the abortion clinic! (Pointing to a sign that says "Tremont Scoops")

suspect classes

Recently engaged 3L: I called this girl I went to high school with, to tell her I was getting married. (And she became a born again Christian in college.) She starts telling me about this class she took at her church with her husband, and realizing that men and women are different and how you don't really figure that out until someone tells you.

3 other 3Ls in unison: Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina!

The Fact That It's Funny Makes It Less Offensive

In the elevator with 3L, on the way up to her apartment

2L#1: 3L is going to make us some pasta.
2L#2: And her food is gorgeous, I do know that.
2L#1: But how does it taste? Because I've known plenty of girls who looked gorgeous...

Sippin' on haterade

3L: yeah but i like making fun of national security
2L: national INsecurity
3L: SNAP

Maybe a Harder Career Path is in Order

2L: You want to go into Civil Rights ligitation, right?
3L: Civil Rights Defense, I want to crush the spirits of the weak
2L: That doesn’t seem like it would be much of a challenge for you, maybe you should try something a little harder

The Fact That It's Funny Makes It Less Gross

Older 2L: Listen, I've been in the business world since before any of you was even a squirt in your father's eyes.
Wiser 2L: It's a good thing none of us was a squirt in our mother's eyes because then we wouldn't be here.

God, I HATE children

Senior Trial Attorney: That groupie works for Save the Children? God, do me a favor!

--Special Court for Sierra Leone

That's just nasty

In reference to our lack of water and flushing toilets:

Senior Legal Attorney returns from restroom: I just shat on someone's shit!

--Special Court for Sierra Leone

Are You Sure You're Not American?

2:00 the day before the last final in a summer program
Italian Law Student: I am so tired. I have been studying since a quarter to seven this morning. I want to sleep, but I cannot. I must study more.
German Law Student: You can sleep tomorrow.
Italian Law Student: No, I cannot, because tomorrow I must be drunk.

America's The Best!

Discussing the "Big Ben Burger" with a German student at a pub in London
2L#1: That burger is $18 American. 2L#2, what can you get for $18 American at Steak n' Shake?
2L#2: Shit, all four of us could eat at Steak n' Shake for $18.
2L#1: And hell, three of us could have sex with the waitress.

Yet They Haven't Gotten Any Big Firm Offers

2L: Okay, I promise...no more conversations about my nuts. Except to say that my nuts are top 10% at a tier 4 law school.

Biblical Exam Directives

While the exams were being passed out for Professional Responsibility

Proctor: I know it's tempting, but don't read through the back of the paper onto the last page of the test. Keep thy x-ray vision to yourself
3L: Is that the 11th Commandment? Right after don't sleep with your clients?

I knew I should've taken latin

Gob Bluth: They're lawyers, Michael. That's latin for "liar."

Good luck!

Good luck to all recent graduates taking the bar.

Love,
Liser
(and most likely the rest of the Overheard posters, too)

while trying to deciper medical records of a plaintiff with personal injuries from a motor vehicle accident...

Articling Clerk: Umm, I'm a little confused.

First Year Associate: What does it say?

Articling Clerk: Well, it says that she got an "STI" from the collision...doesn't that stand for Sexually Transmitted Infection??? What the hell was she DOING?

First Year Associate: Wow, what else could that mean? I have no idea...

First Year Associate #2, entering office and overhearing the conversation: You guys are perverts. It stands for Soft Tissue Injury. Jeesh.

Overheard by CanadianLawStudentGoneWild

Goodbye evil book!

rising 3L: I sold my Contracts book. I think my life will get exponentially better now, kind of like it was before... You know, before that book came into my life.

my personality just makes people think I'm nuts

The scene: magistrate judge is about impose sentence on a defendant in traffic court who's been acting erratically at best, trying to sabotage her own plea agreement, and has just told the judge that the real problem is that he doesn't "understand her affect."

Judge: How long will it take you to pay the fine?
Defendant is silent.
Judge: Okay, fine, you have 60 days.
Attorney: Judge, if I may, my client is on Social Security disability and is on a fixed income.
Judge: What's the nature of the disability?
Attorney: Physical, your honor, she's had lower back sur...
Defendant (interrupting): It's a mental disability!
Judge: I can *see* that it's mental.

The truth sometimes burns

Barbri Torts Prof: Amtrack - love the service - "can I enhance the smell of urine for you sir?"

Overheard by melissa

That's how I felt the first time.

CivPro Professor: We begin with personal jurisdiction. Remember that? That's all that Pennoyer crap.

Overheard by carrie

Just like gay penguins!

Domestic Relations Professor: "Cohabitation" is a euphemism--what we're really saying is that they're living together ... and they're doin' it.

Overheard by carrie

The lines between good and bad blur in law school.

Law Student: I just found out I made Law Review, and it is actually making me question whether there is a God.
Non-law Student: Why?
Law Student: Because how is it that something that good happened to me? I'm a bad person!
Non-law Student: Well, no-one said God was fair...

Overheard by MC

Somebody really likes his vacation

Prof B: See, that's what pisses me off! If I'm on vacation, I don't want to be disturbed. I had this one ass call me on my global cell phone, drunk no less, while I was in New Zealand on vacation. Just because I give out my number doesn't mean you use it. The bastard cost me $5. I mean, I don't even care if my dad dies...don't bother me. He will still be dead when I get home. Me ruining a perfectly good getaway isn't gonna bring him back. Moral of the story: Don't bother me when I'm on vacation.
-Overheard by SA

Slip of the tongue

1L: So, when a person is in a persistent vegatative state and is on a vibrator, the law just allows people to fight it out over who lives or dies? I don't think that people should be able just to remove a vibrator from someone and leave them without it when its necessary to sustain life.

Prof Z: Um, Mr. Student, you mean ventilator, right? Not vibrator?

Overheard by SA

OOOOOO Snap!

Intern #1: So, Bush vetoed stem-cell research. I guess he just doesn't care about anyone with a disease at all.
Intern #2: Yeah, Michael J. Fox was livid about it.
Intern #1: Really? Was he shaking?
Intern #3: Oooooooooo! SNAP!

it's all about antecedents, kids

Labor attorney (getting off the phone): So they kicked him out!
Consulting attorney: I don't understand. Why would they kick a contractor out of his own office?
LA: Not the contractor! The cat!
CA: Huh?
LA: They kicked the cat out of the groomer's! Have you ever heard of such a thing?!
CA: Um, no. What cat?
LA: My cat! They're kicking him out of the groomer's and I have to go get him!
CA: Okay, I really have no idea what we're talking about. I thought we were talking about this contractor who was leaving before the contract was up? And now we're talking about...your cat?
LA: Yes.
CA: Okay, we're going to have to work on that stream of consciousness thing before we go before the judge.

No Spin Zone

Professor: [In a review session] Remember the importance of fee arrangements...
3L: Professor, Why is this...important?

Reading Your Answer in Class

Rising 3L #1: The kid is literally reading the problem out of the book word for word
Rising 3L #2: That he is
Rising 3L #1: And what's worse, he can't even do that
Rising 3L #2: Education doesnt fix stupid

Lawyers and their Toys

Partner: I'm giving up on my worthless Treo. Order me a Blackberry
Senior Associate: Ooooo...it'll be new and shiny.
Partner: Can I customize the colors on that? I'm thinking the colors of Mexico
Secretary: I'll look into it
Senior Associate: You can also have the ringtone of the Mexican Song of Independence...
Partner: Can I get it in the colors of the Mexican Flag?
Secretary: I've got nail polish and time to kill

This Post Is Not About Condoms

Two 2L's wandering through the Egypt section of the British Museum in London

2L#1, looking at a giant sculpture of a head: This is Ramses II.

2L#2: He kind of looks like Ramses VII to me.

2L#1, looking at a second giant sculpture: This one is Ramses VI. You know, you're right...they do look similar. In fact all the Ramses look the same...see, that's why you can't take me anywhere...I need to stop being racist.

Now that is friendship!

Players: Plaintiff's counsel; Defendant's counsel; Plaintiff's witness; Court Reporter

Plaintiff's counsel: I'm done.

D counsel: I'm just going to ask you a few questions.

Witness: Okay.

D Counsel: Did you discuss this deposition with anyone prior to today?

Witness: Yes, your client offered me $500.00 not to show up.

Overheard by Insolvent Esq

It must be one of those goth bars

Barbri prof: "None of you are going to commit necrophila on the bar... It's just unnatural."

Overheard by MG

One Hand in My Pocket

Crim Pro Prof: If you knew that a fellow law student had a bag of coke in their pocket would you have a legal obligation to report it?

Class: ...

Crim Pro Prof: No! Don't do that. We'd lose half of our law students.

Overheard by "There's No Competition in Law School"

All graduated and you're still not cool

Plaintiff's atty #1, closing arguments: Tip the scales of justice here people. Tip all the evidence that this death was accidental (leans whole body over to the left) against all the evidence that it's suicide (leans a tiny bit to the right, but still hangs left) . Clearly my client wins, if you just look at the scale.

Defense atty #1 (whispered): What a goddamn tool. Douchebag.

Lather, rinse, repeat

Prosecutor: Look, your client can plead, that's not a problem. But there's a mandatory loss of license for a year on this charge.
Defense counsel: We can't do a 6 month suspension instead?
Prosecutor: No. There's a mandatory minimum.
Defense counsel: What about the fine?
Prosecutor: We're going to recommend the minimum, no problems there.
Defense counsel: So the fine plus a 6 month suspension.
Prosecutor: What part of mandatory minimum do you not understand?
Defense counsel: I thought this was a plea negotiation.
Prosecutor: And if he pleads, he loses his license for a year.
Defense counsel: But why not six months?
Prosecutor: I give up.

Sorry Your Honor, But My Grandmother Died...Again.

Ethics Prof: Don't tell the same judge each time you need a continuance that your grandmother died. If you need to get more time, just give him the names of different people.

Overheard Goes Abroad...

Summer Associate: So will the Czech's riot after the game?
Czech Associate: No. That's really more of a French thing.
***
Czech Associate: No, he's not gay, he's just British.
***
British Associate: You can't be American. You're not fat enough.
***
Unknown Nationality Associate: I fucking hate Italians. No, seriously, I want to physically injure them.

License to Fondle?

Legal Intern after discussing a case of a chiropractor losing license for massaging the vaginas of four clients:
"How do you do that? I'm sorry miss, but your vagina is out of alignment; I can fix that."

Clients After Law School

Ethics Professor on Advising Clients: Maybe you have lost touch with normal people while you've been in law school. When you get into practice, let's face it, many of your clients are going to be really, really stupid.

It's too late to stop now!

Barbri Torts Prof: "If you're using drugs, don't stop between now and the bar - wait until August, and then find a program."

Overheard by Melissa

It's a room full of love too!

Torts Professor (on battery): "Pretend I went up and down the aisles here, saying hi to each of you, and as I did that, I stroked your hair. That's a room full of battery. We don't pet each other, it's not normal."

Overheard by Carrie

An accidental mini PR lesson

While reading the instructions before a Property exam

Proctor: If you're gonna cheat, be smart. Don't let me catch you.

Overheard by Matt

Lexis hasn't added that feature yet

Att. 1: What are you wroking on?
Att. 2: A speech for the representative.
Att. 1: What is that?
Att. 2: The Holy Roman Bible. He wants to quote scripture for a church speech on juvenile justice reform and community building. I just threw in a scripture from Isiah.
Att. 1: Did you shepardize that?

Overheard by GP

Paralegals: What would we do without them?

Head Attorney to Paralegal: What's my cell phone number?
Paralegal: Just one second....(states number)

a very important conversation

rising 3L: Golden showers are gross. I would never want somebody to pee on me.
rising 2L: No shit!
rising 3L: DEFINITELY no shit!

I like this law school better than mine

Crim Prof: "Who here is still using drugs while they are in law school?"

Prof raises his hand but no one in the class does.

Crim Prof: "Come on, I know someone does. My first year here I used to know a lot of students who were smoking pot while they were in school. (pause) I was selling them the pot."

Overheard by There's No Competition in Law School

I have a headache

Professor: They read the suspect his Miranda rights, ask if they can question him, and the suspect replies with "Not right now." Is that an unambiguous invocation of his Miranda rights?

Class: silence

Professor: Come on, guys! It's clear! I mean, if this was an issue about sex, what would it mean? "Feel like sex?" "Not right now!" No! It means no!

-- Overheard by AT

I've got fleas?

Non-law student: I've only gotten fleas twice in my life.

Raising 2L: Really, when?

Non-law student: Once when I was in Fiji with the Peacecorps and the other time was when I lived with you.

Maybe I have hope yet!

while in Crim Law barbri class...

post-3L: "What does Larceny mean?"

-- Overheard by DEV

You couldn't play nice, could you?

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
MIDDLE DISTRICT OF FLORIDA
ORLANDO DIVISION
AVISTA MANAGEMENT, INC.,
d/b/a Avista Plex, Inc.,
Plaintiff,
-vs- Case No. 6:05-cv-1430-Orl-31JGG
(Consolidated)
WAUSAU UNDERWRITERS INSURANCE
COMPANY,
Defendant.
______________________________________
ORDER
This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff’s Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion – the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts – it is ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of “rock, paper, scissors.” The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801.

DONE and ORDERED in Chambers, Orlando, Florida on June 6, 2006.


PDF here. Hat tip: Feministe

Why Law Students Are Not Comedians: Exhibit A

Recent Law School Grad, now Lawyer: Oh, crap! The sole off of my heel came off. Now I'm going to have to take the sole off the other heel so I'm not walking around all lopsided.

Smart-ass 3L: Oh, cool! So your shoes will be "Lawyer Shoes!"

Recent Law School Grad, now Lawyer: (pause) How do you figure?

Smart-ass 3L: Well, your shoes won't have any soles. And lawyers don't have any souls, either. So now you match.

Recent Law School Grad, now Lawyer: Until then, I had no idea how unfunny you really are.

Golden Arches

Associate: Tomorrow I'm meeting that witness for lunch...At her trailer.

Summer: Ohhh? Is she making you fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches or roadkill?

Associate: Very funny. She wants to go to the McDonald's by her trailer.

First Amendment Protections by Durex

At a free speech symposium:

Law Prof: "We need to have a place where people can go at it, in a hot and heavy way, to the edge of reason..."

3L: "Is he talking about free speech or a one night stand?"

It's all we can do...

Finals Proctor: When time is called, you can stop trying...wait, no...stop typing. You should always keep trying.

The proverbial long ride...

Bitchy proctor for final exam: If you have computer problems, don't panic. We'll take care of you. Don't ask how. You'll find out.

The correct answer is "no."

2L: I do not understand the value depriciation in a lease.
Professor: Well have you ever bought a new car?
2L: Yes.
Prof: What kind?
2L: Jeep Cherokee.
Prof: How much did you pay for it?
2L: I do not know my mom bought it for me used...
-- Overheard by KK

Another disincentive to crime...

Meanwhile in Election law

Talking about reasons why some states take the right to vote away from felons...

Election law prof: "Yeah. Because we all know that when Bob is thinking about robbing that Bank losing his vote is one of the factors."

Eternal Damnation ... as a damage?

Overheard in a class on Remedies

Remedies prof: "Ok. So assume that the Doctor says 'No one is gonna die in my hospital. I'm gonna give the blood transfusion' [to a J. Witness who doesn't want it]. Sure he committed a battery. What what are the damages? He saved his life. [Pause] I suppose the damage could be eternal damnation... but how would you plead that? And how much do you ask for?"

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Law and Order Coloring Book.
Keep an eye out for the maze that leads from the arraignment to the trial and the connect the dot of Briscoe....

(Overheard on a thread about knitted law and order placemats.)

The truth comes out

[After Graduating Students Dinner]

3L #1: So you are coming to the party, right?

3L #2: No, man, I have to get home and study.

3L #1: After 29 years of life, and 3 years of law school, you are still the lamest person I know.

That makes two of us...

Professor: So say on the exam, I tell you that [long, convoluted hypothetical about derivatives]. What's your biggest concern?

3L: Graduating.

You don't even know me...

3L: So why would I trade a stock when the derivative has lower transaction costs?

Professor: Well, who are you?

3L: Wow...that's real Socratic method...

[Awkward silence.]

Studying hard or hardly studying?

2L #1: How did your final go?

2L #2: "It's not that I didn't study hard enough, it's just that the professor didn't write a good test"

finals are to AP tests as law school is to...

After 1L finishes describing finals to his little brother, who just took the AP tests...

"Wow, that sounds exactly like my week, except larger and more absurd."

-- Overheard by MM

Procrastination and Federal Courts

2L: (one hour before the final exam) I thought that I'd glance at the hornbook before the exam. (pause) Wow, it's actually pretty good.

A Few Words From the Politically Incorrect

(Overheard during a debate about writing a legislative bill for sterilization in class)

2L #1: I don't think (professor) will like your bill. He's a DEFENSE attorney! He's going to side with the defendants!

2L #2: I'm all for the cripples, too, but....



(And a few minutes later...)

2L #3: That was a horrible case! Those poor people got totally screwed!

2L #2: But they were aliens!

That's what my mom said...

2L Passenger: I think being in the car makes me have to pee.

2L Driver: It's like you're biologically constructed to frustrate me.

Political views?

via IM
2L: Did you hear about the NSA phone bank?
2L: cnn.com
1L: wow
1L: that is absurd
1L: george bush makes me want to kick small puppies
1L: and i like puppies

1L: "Charging that guy with murder for telling his friend to go kill himself is like like telling a guy to go fuck himself and getting charged with rape."
Overheard by JP

Sounds like somebody just lost a kidney

1L: “I think there are two kinds of people who would sell their organs. First is poor people…and second is stupid people! There are a lot of people who make bad decisions. There are people who would sell their organs and put $10,000 on red 23 at Queen’s Casino.”

Overheard by nicky

i'll never forget conditions subsequent again

Professor, while miming smoking crack:“if the conveyance goes... from O to A for life, and then to B, unless B starts smoking crack... and i mean starts. When B puts the crackpipe upto his lips, he doesn't get the property.”

Overheard by nicky

So that's what the hooding ceremony involves

...during graduation rehearsal...

Dean of Students: "So you'll come over here, turn around, and bend over..."

Overheard by SB

Worst vacation trip EVER!

tourist and family walking by law school's library

Father: (says name of school outloud) Wow, look at them all, just plugging away. Kids, they're memorizing laws so they can become rich lawyers.
Kids: Ooh.

Overheard by CR

Good family values

Family Law Prof (handing out the final exam): If you open the exam before I tell you to, I will beat you...and not in the fun way!

Overheard by CR

When nerds make friends...

1L on cell: You know, I wish I was still anti-social. I wasn't any less unhappy, but at least no one cared.

The things you do to procrastinate

2L#1, walking from across the hall to see what the commotion is in the other classroom: what are you guys doing in here, studying?
2L#2: No, I’m trying to get him to watch horrible, horrible porn.

Overheard by RB

Advice to live by

Con Law Review:

Con Law Prof Extraordinaire: "I don't know what you guys know about exam writing"
IL: "we don't either."
CLPE : "you don't either, well that's good."

CLPE: "You've gotta see the forest through the trees, and there are a lot of trees you can get caught in, or..."
1L: "struck by"

CLPE: "i'm more interested in what's going on in your head…I mean not generally, I've got enough problems myself ...give me a chance to peek into your constitutional head."

CLPE: "I don't suggest people do what I did in law school…I used to smoke back then and I used to take notes on the back of matchbook covers…and then I'd get home and throw them on the dresser and find them later on…"

Overheard by TEC

Short and to the point

Crim Law Review

Crim Law Prof discussing common law crimes: "Kidnapping- we have a kid and a napping. There you go. Moving onto rape."

Overheard by KW

Nerdly virtues?

Civ Pro Review

Civ Pro Prof about Special Damages: "There is this case for special damages, if you’ve heard of this one, you won’t ever forget special damages. P got hit by a car & did all the normal damages- lost of wages, pain & suffering; but he also claimed a permanent erection, and this was before Viagra. Heck, my wife is out there pushing me in front of cars all the time…"

Civ Pro Prof: "Law school, like life itself, rewards the nerd-ly virtues."

Civ Pro Prof about Discovery: "What is your normal response when someone sues you- hey, this guy is an asshole, lets schedule him for 19 proctological exams next week."

Overheard by KW

Buyer's Remorse

2L #1: This umbrella was a good purchase.
2L #2: Yeah. It's no samurai sword, but...
2L #1: Oh yeah, I bought a samu...fuck.

Stiff competition

1L#1: I heard they don't give grades at Yale.
1L#2: Then how do they figure out the valedictorian?
1L#1: I dunno...whoever sucks the best dick?
1L#2: I would so win.

-- Overheard by MM

Forgotten PR quotes of note

2L: “I thought it was a plunger, not a broomstick.”
PR Prof: “No, because that would be gross.”

Later,
PR Prof: “You don’t remember the case? An officer shoved a broken plunger up his butt, but really, you don’t need to know that to grasp the problem. Assault is assault.”

Like a Trained Seal

Plaintiff's Attorney: Hi, how are you?

Summer for Defense Attorney: Good, and yourself?

Plaintiff's Attorney: (To Defense Attorney) You trained her well.

Defense Attorney: (Gives "you're an asshole" look) Yeah.

Plaintiff's Attorney: Now sweetie, what's your name?

Summer: (silence and look from Plaintiff's Attorney) Ohh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me dollface?

(Defense Attorney smiles like a proud father.)

Dancing + law school = magic

Coming back from a bar at 7pm

1L: That's the first time I've talked to 1L2 in a year and I just got him to piroeutte for a sobriety test on the front steps.

-------------------------

1L: I've got it! Instead of taking our notes into the exam we'll just study property through interpretive dance. (commenses dancing to show property principles)

-- overheard by piratelaw

Wisdom from the International Superstar

International Superstar professor: "that's the one common denomenator with all of these cases, someone sued! otherwise there wouldn't be court cases."

ISP: "if i can train [foreign country] judges in a week, i can make you all experts in international law in a semester!"

ISP: "what is the first line of the declaration of independence?"
1L: "'we the people'"

Overheard by TEC

Con Law contributions

Con Law Prof, Extraordinaire: 'heterosexual couples could engage in oral sex, anal sex, and any other kind of sex without breaking the law!'

CLPE in re lawrence v. texas: "the police are much more likely to come in response to a gunshot rather than...people screaming too loud."

CLPE: "there were laws against masturbation, hm, i didn't realize that...think of all the people who would be in jail! certainly all males under the age of 12!"

CLPE: "as far as i know there is no way to conceive a child through sodomy...so it's a form of contreception! what a great way to end class..."

Overheard by TEC

Note from Liser

I've been a bad admin; while I was taking finals, I didn't post any of your contributions. They will be posted over the next few days, so if you sent something in (and it's funny), you should see it soon.

Thx
Management

On Anxiety...

3L fretting over an exam the next day: "God, I'm so freaked out. I feel like I'm going to a fucking prison rape tomorrow."

Lowest common denominator

2L #1: My second wind hasn't blown away yet.
2L #2: Do you need me to pull your finger or something?

Finals time is a special time

2L #1: I hit a woman in Minnesota.
2L #2: Did you mount her on the wall?
2L #1: No, just her baby.

Sure Hunny

(Discussing Anna Nicole Ruling)

2L Girl: Who does she think she's fooling with those implants, they look so fake.

2L Guy: If you can touch them they're real.

2L Girl: I've felt fake breasts before and that is just erroneous.

2L Girl's Boyfriend: Please tell me you're referring to the shot girl who forced you to feel her up at the titty bar and not something else.

2L Girl: ...

Finals delirium, again

2L: Naked dancing makes me think of Justice Ginsburg.

Jack McCoy Taught Me Everything I Need to Know About the Law.

(During a study session for Criminal Procedure)

Prepared 2L: You never went to class, how do you know this stuff? Did you study before today?

2L Slacker: No, I just used to watched a lot of Law and Order and Law and Order SVU in undergrad while my friends and I would sit around and blaze. Jack McCoy is my hero.

Prepared 2L: I don't know if I should be annoyed or impressed.

2L Slacker: Impressed, I remember it even though I was blazed.

Right Track, Wrong Direction

After a gunner has opened her mouth and is wrong in her in answer

Professor: Well, you are sort of on the right track...

The Special Gunner: (Cutting the Professor Off) As Usual!!

Professor: But you missed [the major points]...

Monday Fun

1L#1: Hey does anybody know how the immigration boycott is going today?

1L#2: Well, I was able to get a burger at Burger King, so I haven't been affected.

-----------

1L: I spilled water on my pants and it looks like my vagina is in the wrong place . . . Don't worry, guys, it isn't.

1L's BF: Stop talking.

Hos (in different are codes, area codes)

Student 1: Do you think there are people who really believe those justifications about cheating, like, if it's in another state it doesn't count, or if it's in another country it doesn't count?
Student 2: Yep. It's the same reason people believe in God. Just to make themselves feel better.

More Finals Delirium

1L#1: The assignment was gratuitous.

1L#2: That's my favorite kind of movie sex...(blank stares)...gratuitous.

1L#3: Forced and awkward.

1L#1: That's my favorite kind of real life sex.

Finals Delirium

1L#1: If it's a total integration, you have to figure out if it's collateral.

1L#2: However, if it's a total eclipse of the heart...

1L#3: Then you have to get Bright Eyes to turn around.

Yeah, That Helps

1L: How are we supposed to figure out if we should apply the doctrine or not on a multiple choice test? I mean, are we gonna say, “Well, it’s either A or B and I hope to god it’s B?” Or are we gonna be able to figure out what you’re expecting?

Prop Prof.: You should be able to figure out what I’m expecting. Let me put it this way: I would be able to figure out what I’m expecting by what’s on the exam.

Tight Lawyers

Trial Ad Instructor: Lawyers are just so tight all the time. In fact, they don't let loose people into law school!

3L (totally deadpan): My mom will be happy to hear that.

--As seen on Will Work For Favorable Dicta

Truth hurts

Young-looking 2L girl on cell phone: She said what? That's really uncool of her to say, I mean, that hurts.
Passerby: High school?
2L girl: Law school.

ethical emissions

2L: I have to pee, but I think I’m gonna hold it so I can go in the middle of PR.

-- Overheard by RB

the merits of Tarantino

Evidence prof: A classic 403 issue involves pictures of the deceased as part of a murder trial. Are they too inflammatory? No! We can sensitize the jury! We can take them to the movies and show them Kill Bill 2!

Oh homonyms

2L: What's the point of Cox?

More Fun With Undergrads

1L#1: You can actually take up to 6 hours outside the law school. Just tell [Dean of Students] there's a hole in your undergrad you want to fill.

1L#2: A more accurate statement would be that there are about 15,000 undergrad holes I'd like to fill.

Size matters...

Having a discussion about the professor's exam from the previous semester:

Professor: Did you think last year’s exam was too long?

2L: You know, I’m a slow test taker and all…but I thought that this exam was overly long

3L: You are in law school, just deal with it

If we only knew before we registered...

In the middle of a classroom discussion about the final:

2L #1: You know what’s wrong with this class?
2L #2: Everything.
2L #1: Took the words right out of my mouth

why we wait in line at the airport

Infamous 1L in Property: Yeah I mean it makes sense right? When the airport security makes your take off your shirt to prove your breasts aren't bombs right?

Property Professor: Oh Mr. 1L, I will certainly miss your questions.

From an unlikely source

1L: I have a jacket that is white leather and orange sherbet suede.

wrap it up

Con Law Professor: There was a case recently filed where a father is challenging a court order to provide child support, because he did not want the child's mother to have the baby. Any thoughts on this?

1L: When I get lucky, I should probably wear a condom

Last Minute Questions?

Prof: “Now that we’ve gone through all of that, it will not be on the exam. Obviously, I wasn’t going to tell you that before we got started. . . . Questions – Well of course you’re not going to have questions.”

-- Overheard by Prof. Schwarzenegger

_______

Con Law Prof: "In order to get through all of the material today, I’m just going to lecture. I won’t ask any questions. Well, I don’t intend to ask any questions. If I ask any questions, don’t answer them."

-- Overheard by A Law Bitch

At least it's not K-Fed!

3L #1: Oh good I have 8 minutes to listen to more

3L #2: What you you listening to?

3L #1: Oh the oral arguments from Kelo v. New London I downloaded onto my ipod.

-- Overheard by MP

Law School Vocabulary Lesson

1L: What is "onerous"?
Contracts Prof.: "Onerous" means unduly burdensome. You gotta use it. It is a "law word". It comes in a little gift pack with "egregious".

-- Overheard by Blondelaw

A lake?

1L on last day of Civil Procedure: "What's Erie?"

-- Overheard by KW

I suppose calling the police was out, too

Crim Law Prof: [In discussing a North Carolina case in which a battered woman who was forced into prostitution by her husband, kills him in his sleep.] “Was this her only option? Couldn’t she just move to Durham and become a dancer?”

-- Overheard by RJG

We don't make sense to anyone but our own

1L #1: I don't have time to read, outline, do hypos, eat and sleep
1L #2: I didn't read it either. lol. But you're my back up.
1L #1: Hey, don't make me FRCP 12(b(6) you!
1L #1: PS, I own Blackacre!
1L #2: Wait, I have title to Blackacre too! What the! There's something fishy going on ...
1L #1: Why don't you pull a terry and cop a feel
1L #1: I adversely possessed your boyfriend last night
[pause]
1L #2: Damn. don't think I can top that
1L #1: score one for me

-- Overheard by EN, via AIM

hopefully law school is nicer to you than this

From Post Secret: Law School Gave Me the Discipline to Perfect My Eating Disorder.

Don't mess with Texas

Con Law Prof: "This is another case granted certiorari from Texas. You know if it wasn't for Texas, we'd have nothing to talk about."
____

Explaining MPC on Murder:

1L: would that be considered intent or reckless disregard?

Crim Law prof: Typically this would be intent, but hey case this is texas and they probably bounce it down to a misdemeanor. (in deep Texas twang) Shoot what's the matter with you boy, you only shotthat sunnufabith once!

-- Overheard by francesa

Practical Issuespotting

Crim law prof: I know you're all stressed about finals, so let me just tell you this. When I was a 1L my father died the November of my first semester. And I still took all my finals.

Student: Sure, but how did you do in them?

-- Overheard by Criminellie

You're telling me

Crim law prof: "oh the things I could do with a class full of prostitutes"

Overheard by Mr. Rule 11

The guy next to me actually cares.

How to get an A in Legal Writing:

Writing Prof: It's like that joke, you know, two men are camping in the woods and a bear comes to the campsite... One guy puts on his shoes, the other guy asks "Why are you putting on your shoes? We have to run from the bear!" The guy with shoes says, "I don't have to run faster than the bear; I have to run faster than you!" So do better than the guy sitting next to you. Good luck!

A Short History Lesson

Con Law Prof: Back then it was called the Northwest Territories. Today it’s called the Big 10.

yeah for the curve?

2L: Okay, so the first part is multiple choice. This second part. Do we just do our normal law school bullshit analysis?

More Political (In)Correctness

Evidence Professor while talking about FRE 804(a)(5):
"A colleague of mine once had a Korean witness, there was a dep taken which was favorable to my colleague and right before they were about to go to trial the guy goes...

[Professor using fake "Korean" accent]: I give false deposition.

"My colleague said he just about bought him a one way ticket back to Korea, but clearly under this rule that would not work since the proponent cannot be responsible for procuring the witnesses unavailablity."

Me (to Korean friend): Wow. So offensive and yet such a good illustration of the rule.

Korean Friend: Ehh, I'm kinda suprised he didn't call all Asians "slant eyes", that wasn't that bad for him.

That's just wrong...

CrimPro Prof: "Is it long enough to purge the taint?"

Politically (In)correct

2L girl, whining about car not starting, forgetting homework, bad hair: "I'm having a bad hair day. I must be getting punished for something I've done at this point in my life, but I have no idea what that could be... I'm not even gay."

2L boy: "You are a dirty Jew, though."
____

2L girl: What was she prosecuted under?
2L boy: A Preventing Pinko statute?

____

2L girl: What are you staring at?
2L boy: A wasp.
2L girl: In here?
2L boy: No, outside.
2L girl: Wait, are you Protestant?
2L boy: Yes?
2L girl: Then I see a WASP in here, too!

Fists of Fury

Property Professor: During the Civil Rights era, there was a "frown against discrimination" campaign - if someone made a racist comment you frowned. When I was a kid, if someone called me a "chink" I punched him.

D'oh v. Wade

Con Law Prof, talking about how preganancy affects women v. men: "I mean I have three kids and believe me, sensitive male as I may be, I didn't have much to do with those nine months..."

Con Law Prof, talking about how married people can't have abortions and failure to consummate the marriage is grounds for annulment: "there are only so many days you can have a headache...we've gotta have some levity to this conversation."

Male 1L: "but only women get pregnant, i mean - i'm pretty sure i don't have a uterus"
Con Law Prof: "well, i don't know for sure but that's probably true"

-- Overheard by TEC

Meanwhile Jack McCoy gets the spotlight...

From A Guest Speaking, Practicing, Public Defender:

On Smart Clients:
"I got my client a plea deal of 8 years for kidnapping…he refused…I was like ‘you confessed, they have it on video tape, why are you going to make me go to trial and look stupid?'"

On Plea Deals:
Student: "What tactics do you use for negotiating pleas with the District Attorney?"
Attorney: "Please. Really...Please! Other times it is like, come on, you owe me one for screwing my last client"

On Trial Tactics:
Student: "How often do you put your clients on the stand?"
Attorney: "I wish I never had to put my clients on the stand"

Civ Pro Gets Sexy

Civ Pro Prof: Sexual intercourse in our state is now sufficient to establish personal jurisdiction over an individual in a paternity matter. I’ll let you go over the minimum contacts analysis in the privacy of your own homes. Now for the best part. The name of the parties: Yankton v. Cummings. I could not have come up with this stuff myself.


--overheard by Sara

Professional [Ir]Responsibility Roundup

3L: My notes say "[Blah Blah]" do you know what it means?

Prof: No.
_____________________________________________

Professor: NEVER, NEVER, get paid in Cocaine.
_____________________________________________

(After reviewing Texas PR case making it nearly impossible to sue for malpractice in criminal cases in Texas)

"Maybe you should go do criminal law in Texas...But then you'd have to go there."
_____________________________________________

(Professor having a Jack Burns in Meet The Parents Moment)

"Can you trust your clients? No, the answer is no."

Hollywood takes over law school

Upon learning about a Corporations case with a
corporate raider who wanted to take over a company and
sell it for its parts:

Girl: So is this guy like Richard Gere from Prety
Woman?

Overheard by NS

--

Prof: How should doctors decide who gets ICU beds?
Student: Well, on Grey’s Anatomy there was this episode where they gave the bed to the patient most likely to live.
Prof: How did you feel about that decision
Student: it was a really sad episode

Overheard by maleman